Living the Questions

I Moved...

2011-03-27T09:42:00.000-05:00

My new blog location: brittanybettger.wordpress.com

Past

2011-03-14T17:21:00.003-05:00

I keep deleting what I am going to say. I took a free Enneogram thingy last night and I think I am number 4: "The Individualist" which could explain why I rarely write on here or share my true self with that many people:

The Individualist: The introspective, romantic type. Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity. At their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.

Who knows if anyone reads this. While I write, I simultaneously and desperately hope and fear that people will read this.

I am in Wausau, Wisconsin visiting my parents. In the last few days, old things have come in to haunt me. In many ways I am healthy, thanks be to the Only One who can turn Ugliness into Beauty. I praise my Savior for changing me, even though I highly doubt anyone in my life really notices. For the first time in 9 years, I am not on an antidepressant and have felt more emotionally and physically healthy than I can ever remember! (Although maybe not a lot of people realize it because I unfortunately tend to complain a lot...at least I am aware of it!)

Despite my freedom (overall) from depression, things from my past still have their wretched claws gripping my heart. It seems everywhere I look I hear and see babies, engagement rings, people kissing, and white dresses. Is that ever going to be me? I feel like a few different people because while I have no desire to date and could not imagine having a couple of kids and being forced to cook and clean for a man...I am aching to at least HAVE THE OPTION of doing those things. And I don't. At least at the age I am now...because if any of that happens I know in my heart it won't be for at least 5 years. What's wrong with that you might ask. Most of the time, I encourage myself with that very thought: "It's not too late." and "It WILL happen for you. It just may be ten years later than you've always dreamed." But then some weird thing inside me says, "Look at how you have failed. It won't happen." Then my combating answer, "You're right-it won't if I keep repeating history. But with God's hand, there will be a miracle. I will learn how to love." (Because that's what I think the problem is with me and men. Granted I know, I am not totally to blame in my failed relationships but there's one common denominator in all of them: me. And for some reason I can't love a guy because of all my negative thoughts toward him and it needs to change!)

I feel like I am going in circles. Today in my personal journal I was reflecting on how I don't want to open my past because it's too painful, but yet I NEED to in order to figure out what my problem is...because it will just come out and continue to haunt me if/when I decide to date again (it already does and I'm not even dating).

I felt like I was getting closer to being free of this lie that my self-worth is dependent on my marital status. Overall, I am. But the last few week old memories have fluttered in (being in my hometown does not always help) and I've been feeling angry at myself for not being "over this" and content with who I am. But does being content mean stuffing the crap in your closet? In comparison to what others in my life are dealing with and the disaster in Japan, why would anyone freaking care about my problems?

If you don't see this posted, it's because I deleted it. I am "withholding [myself] from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective" but hopefully one day I won't be this way.

Happy Love (and Joy) Day!

2011-02-14T20:27:00.005-06:00

I have not written in a while and I don't know if it matters much, but I guess I will share a little bit of my heart. God has shown up in so many powerful ways...extremely visibly ways in my life the last couple weeks. Sometimes I just do not feel worthy of all of His blessings. Among my trillion other thoughts, I've been wondering, why now? After so many years of depression and now for the first time in 9 years I am Rx free...I feel like my depression is perhaps behind me. I had a rough few weeks of withdrawal because that's really what it is... I think I am finally free of every one of those tiny white beads-it has now been three weeks! I don't know if I can say I am depression-free. I am tempted every day to go back to the darkness, especially with all the stress I am under that always affects me emotionally. Sometimes I don't even believe I had an illness, that it was all in my head. But I have been reading some of my old journals and I know it WAS real. I am in TOTAL AWE of our AWESOME GOD in seeing how far He has brought me! I've been struggling with this thought: did I contribute to my healing or is it selfish to think that? I have been working hard to stay healthy-physically, emotionally and spiritually-and I know that for many years, I was too ignorant to make quality decisions about my health. I wonder, if I had made better decisions, would I have not been struck with depression. Did the meds even do anything for me? But I guess it does not help to analyze it. Even if I did make good decisions, God has been my strength in making them and I praise him with all that I am.

There's so much more on my heart. As I said, depression is a huge temptation in my life-my tendencies toward anxiety, negativity and a bitter, critical spirit are things I have been working on. It seems every minute I have to stop and refocus my thoughts...it's hard to explain. I want to continue basking in the wonderful gifts God has given me...why did he allow my depression to ease among tons of other blessings? I am not a special person. Why now and not many years ago? And what about everyone in my life who is struggling. I continue to try and take on their burdens and discount every good gift I have received. Because of guilt usually. I don't feel worthy of joy and happiness a lot of times. I somehow continue to believe that lie and the lie that if others are struggling, I don't care about them if I am rejoicing in my blessings. Through God's strength and truth and with my counselor's help I am able to accept the truth: I am worthy of joy. And God wants me to be joyful! As easy as that is for some people, I have always struggled to believe that. I thought maybe He's preferred me somber and sad, thinking of everyone in the world (including myself) who is suffering. I can think of them...but then let them go into our Savior's hand. After all, He is the Savior not me. And He does not need me but He can use me...

I hope you have enjoyed this special day with people you are close to, and especially that you never forget how much you are loved! Thanks for listening, whoever you are.

Random Thoughts During my School Day

2011-01-07T11:00:00.002-06:00

I am feeling quite discouraged by everything around me. I've tried to ask for help. My anxiety has decreased and now this blanket of sadness…if I close my eyes and just allow my emotions to take over, I probably would not be able to contain these tears. Outside the snow falls soft, barely there. That’s how I feel: barely there. I’m not going down into the hole. It’s almost like I am at peace in this sadness because I am not alone. There’s a woman at my school who I’m really worried about. I wish I could tell her how I feel, how I know how it is. I’m still recovering from the black days, from the time where hope was buried so deep there was no way to unleash it. When breathing was a task. So much of a task I didn’t even realize it. I can’t talk to her…yet. I don’t even really know her yet my heart is breaking when I can sense her desperation.

And there’s the students. And this occupation. Everyone’s talking about it. Why are we in this field again? Does what we do make any sort of difference? Sometimes I am so disconnected from what I always that I was, what I could do. I sit and stare at my class of kids and think, this is what I always wanted. So why do I feel empty, so utterly barren in the depths behind my shaken heart. I almost get to the point I want to be. I can feel excitement build, anticipation because my real creative loving self is trying so desperately to be the teacher I always dreamed I’d be. But then frustration which, thank God, does not lead to rage like it once did. But rather disenchantment. I just sit there and all my hope is extinguished because these kids are so needy, desperate, searching, hungry. The way they express this is with their disrespect, their disruptiveness, their meanness to classmates, their obnoxious comments and actions. I do not feel anger toward them. Just sadness for them, their classmates, me. There’s something missing in their lives that makes them think they can do whatever they want. And as every day passes, it only seems to get worse. That kids are becoming harder and harder to teach because of their messed up home lives, our poisoned environment. The questions about why children are the way they are…as compared to a few decades (even a few years) ago…they never end. My mind is bleeding trying to catch my breath, fill up my spirit with answers.

Oh God sometimes I cannot breathe in this world. I am so desperate for your healing. The people around me don’t realize how desperate they are for Your touch, Your life. Especially these innocent kids. But the world just gets worse and worse. I don’t know for sure why I have chosen teaching as a career. It has rarely been what I always dreamed it would be. But I’m not sure I would be confronted with a different picture of the world if I had a different career. In fact, I know I wouldn’t. The world is messed up. The older I get, the more I realize it and the more I long for heaven.

Behind every smile, I see tears and the realness behind the plastic. I want to believe the person is really happy. Maybe he or she is or maybe they think they are. I’m not sure my sadness is really wrong yet. It hasn’t brought me to a blackness where I can’t think about going on. I praise God for my ability to get up when I’m down, which I couldn’t do just a few years ago. And there’s so much to thank Him for in this job. I’m not trying to just survive anymore…I am really working on myself. I generally have hope…well, lately it has been slipping a bit. But I remind myself of all the things working against me that affect my outlook: my history of serious depression, getting off my meds, it’s winter and this is when I’m usually the lowest, my stress levels, and more. The fact that I am still this positive makes me marvel at how God is working through me.

I don’t feel I am getting out what I wanted to say. I guess when talking with (listening to) some of my coworkers this morning, I realized everyone’s having similar thoughts as me but they only let their guard down just a bit. It’s easy to see how they use good things-humor, friendships, food, etc.- to boost themselves up, to cover up what’s really going on, which I think is good-something I need to do more. Otherwise these teachers wouldn’t be able to do their job. They would end up in the hospital like me.

But I just feel for them…for the students too and wish You could do some sort of miracle to help us out of our misery, to clear up this devastating confusion, to wipe the tears, to instill strength, inspiration.

Love and dedication is not enough. I cannot change these kids’ circumstances with just these. Nothing is changing it seems. But I want to believe what I am doing is making some small difference.

I am kind of going through the motions when it comes to my job. I plan and plan and it seems all this agonizing does nothing. No matter the kids’ behaviors, I still tend to blame myself…Don’t really want to get into this. Maybe I can observe some of the other Spanish teachers to get some inspiration.

I am down but not defeated. If anything I feel kind of comfortable underneath my blanket of sadness.

I want to do more than just long for heaven in this life. I live here right now so teach me what that means. Is this world ugly or beautiful? Beautiful because it is Yours and You are in control. Beautiful because of the beautiful people I meet and engage with every day. Your creations. Beautiful because of the colors, the skies that take my breath away. The crisp white against a spectacular blue sky. Winter’s hues are truly amazing. When I can soak in these beauties, I can escape the other reality. The reality of ugliness. This reality seeps into my conscious and invades my veins and I can barely breathe because of the stench. Somehow we are to live and breathe in the moment. And that moment is in this hideous world, where somehow I am still able to see indescribable beauty. I can feel indescribable pain at the same moment as I sense unfathomable peace and security. Lord, help me live in Your love in this dichotomous world, hanging onto hope despite an aching heart, shaky spirit and downtrodden soul.

2010 in Retrospect

2011-01-02T16:56:00.002-06:00

I know I haven't written in a while... Here's a little about my year.

1. what did you do this past year that you’d never done before?
a. went ice skating! (March)
b. became an Auntie to Callum and Corryn (June)
c. started a grad school program (Aug)
d. became an elementary Spanish teacher (Aug)
e. became extra concerned about my health
f. tried a gluten free diet (among many other diets)
g. began seeing a chiropractor regularly
h. was part of an untraditional but beautiful wedding of my dear brother Nate and sis-in-law Kat on the Oregon coast! (Sep)
i. saw the West coast (Sep)
i. did not buy material gifts for Christmas and (mostly) didn’t feel guilty about it

2. did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I did not explicitly make a resolution but it was probably something about being healthier physically, emotionally and spiritually and I think I have achieved those goals! (Of course I have a LONG way to go!)

3. did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes! Dallas & Brandon = Jacob (March); Zach & Beth = Jude (April); Greg and Sarah = Callum & Corryn; Bethany & Jesus = Armando (Oct.)

4. did anyone close to you die?
a friend of mine died last week. She was a wonderful woman with disabilities I had the pleasure of working with for several years. I am so glad she is free of pain and in peace now but we will miss her dearly!

There were several tragic deaths of people extremely close to some of my friends and family members. It was and still is very hard to see my loved ones go through these painful losses.

5. what countries did you visit?
Just the west coast of the U.S.

6. what would you like to have this year that you lacked last year?
more peace, patience and hope

7. what date from this year will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
June 10-Callum & Corryn were born! Sept 18-Nate & Kat got married!

8. what was your biggest achievement of the year?
making choices that support my health; developing in my character; not going into a major depression (so far) this winter!

9. what was your biggest failure?
messing up another relationship

10. did you suffer illness or injury?
I was blessed to be mostly healthy this year! Thanks, God!

11. what was the best thing you bought?
good, wholesome food from the Earth!

12. whose behavior merited celebration?
my dear friend and roommate Theresa, who has been such an encouragement to me and has taken the brunt of my actions
my beloved parents who continue to support me unconditionally

13. whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
mine, mostly in the way I treat the guys I date and my closest friends

14. where did most of your money go?
food (I don't buy cheap grub!), loans, grad school

15. what did you get really, really, really excited about?
I don’t get really (x3) excited about much, just excited period. Probably having Greg & Sarah moving back to MN and being a part of my niece and nephew’s lives!

17. compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
Neither, I would say more hopeful!

18. thinner or fatter?
Same, thanks God!

19. richer or poorer?
Poorer in the monetary sense. More loans have been taken out so I’m MORE in the hole! Richer in that I am a better, stronger person because of another year of life.

20. what do you wish you’d done more of?
•Playing piano and violin!
•Staying in touch with people close to me better, sending more cards, etc.
•Writing more, especially blogging, not being afraid to share my thoughts with others to possibly help them!
•Exercising regularly.
*Volunteering or missions trips

21. what do you wish you’d done less of?
•Worrying and analyzing and trying to be perfect, I’m at pro at that!
•Eating sweets
•Watching depressing and violent TV shows

22. how will you be spending your birthday? No idea!

23. how will you be spending the holidays?
Hopefully with my family, maybe a few of my brothers will be home this year. And I will have a new niece or nephew by that time! Yay!

24. did you fall in love this past year? nope, not that I know of

25. how many one-night stands? none

26. what was your favorite TV program? At the beginning of the year, I watched a lot of Law & Order: SVU and CSI. Not good for someone so sensitive and especially before bed!

27. do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No, I’ve been able to be more understanding of people thanks to God working in me

28. what was the best book you read?
So many!!! Here are just a few of the books that really influenced my thoughts and actions this year:

•The Soul Tells a Story by Vinita Hampton Wright
•Seeing is Believing by Greg Boyd
•The G-Free Diet: A Gluten Free Survival Guide by Elizabeth Hasselbeck
•Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes by Therese Borchard
•The Antidepressant Solution: A Step-by Step Guide to Safely Overcome Antidepressant Withdrawal, Dependence and “Addiction” by Joseph Glenmullen
•Lincoln's Melancholy: How Depression Challenged a President and Fueled His Greatness by Joshua Wolf Shenk
•An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison
•Down Came the Rain by Brooke Shields
*Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Piccoult
•The Help by Kathryn Stockett
•Born on a Blue Day by Daniel Tammet
•Expecting Adam by Martha Beck

I recommend ALL of these! Ask and, with delight, I will tell you how they changed me!

29. what was your greatest musical discovery?
Kari Jobe, Meredith Andrews, Michael Gungor, Michael Buble, George Winston

30. what did you want and get?
•A job! Thanks God!
•Healthy babies for my brother/sis-in-law and friends! Thanks God!
•To be an auntie
•Strength, endurance and personal health and healing!
•To be (mostly) depression free! Woot!

31. what did you want and not get?
•A man to fall in love and spend my entire life with
•Clarity for my future career path
•To be married with children
•To be anxiety free (this'll never happen in this life, I guess.)
•To not be dependent on my antidepressants

32. what was your favorite film of this year?
Probably Toy Story 3! So sweet, I cried!

33. what did you do on your last birthday, and how old were you?
Twenty-flippin-siX! Crazy! I had a horrible HORRIBLE migraine. While medicated, I worked a shift at the group home, I came home to find my room decorated by my sweet roomies. Then I went to bed despite a lot of hammering and drilling (a friend was working on our house on the other side of the wall where I was desperately trying to rest!) BUT I celebrated two days later with a karaoke party which I set up. I was so blessed to have a large group of friends show up! What a memorable day!

34. how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
I’ve been told I’m good at accessorizing my jewelry with my outfits! (Luckily, I have a mom who makes amazingly cute jewelry)

35. what kept you sane?
Writing/journaling
Reading! (got me through so many days!)
Counseling was always helpful-talking to someone who is pretty much a perfect stranger, no biases… etc. I’d highly recommend it.
My beloved roommate Theresa and other friends and family members

36. which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

37. what political issue stirred you the most?
I don’t understand it…but the health care stuff really hits close to home.

38. who was the best new person you met?
my friend Nike from Nigeria I “met” on my blog. She’s been such an encouragement to me. I look forward to getting to know her more this year!

39. tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
A few things I’ve concluded (based on my 3-18-10 journal entry):
-You have no right to judge another’s experience.
-People are never as they appear on the outside.
-Pain is pain.
-You can always find joy even in the hardest times.
-You can never get this moment back.
-Faith is dead without action.
-You can choose to feel differently about any situation.
-People rarely notice you (the way you think they do) and that’s quite freeing!
-Always assume the best but be aware of the worst.
-Christ is incarnate; He is found in anything beautiful of the world, most often the day-to-day things you forget to acknowledge.
-Hope is living in the moment but knowing one day everything will be perfect.
-You may mean little to the world, but to one person, you may mean the world (and that’s a great reason to stay alive!)
-My body is not my own; it is my Creator’s that’s why I am a sacred and beautiful person.
-People come and go from our lives; I strive to learn from each one, knowing that the one conversation we have may very well be the only one.
-Each mistake is a chance to learn more about yourself and become a better person.
-Self-hate is a sure way to make yourself look ugly.
-Striving for perfection takes away this moment to be completely you.

40. quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

“you make beautiful things
you make beautiful things
out of us
all around
hope is springing up from this old ground
out of chaos life is being found in you
you make beautiful things
you make beautiful things
out of the dust
you make beautiful things
you make beautiful things
out of us” ~ Beautiful Things by Michael Gungor

Where is my hope?

2010-10-24T20:32:00.003-05:00

The other day I had a nice post written about my measly self and life. I thought, "Oh this is actually pretty good. I should save it just in case." But I didn't. Then the power suddenly went out. So much for that.

I am hurting for loved ones right now. Especially my beautiful cousin Becca who lost her third baby. I can't imagine what pain she must feel so I am crying out to God to comfort her like no one can. Then there's my friend Kat whose brother was murdered a week ago. I was reading some tributes to her brother Leo this morning. He was only 22 years old. I just can't believe what kind of f'ed up world we live in. And I am trying to hang on to hope. If not for me, at least for my sweet dear cousin who doesn't deserve any of this crap. Or for a family whose wonderful brother and son was violently, tragically ripped from their lives...

I was feeling pain earlier. But now it's deadness. Like it's not even me writing. I don't really know if I am sad. Because it is kind of no emotions. None of the stress I am dealing with can compare to the pain of these two wonderful women and the people closest to them. But comparing doesn't help I suppose.

I don't really want to talk about me and my drama with messed up relationships and lack of knowledge of self.

When listening to some of my favorite songs, I, like I often do, wondered: Do I even believe this? "He has been there before/He will be there again" and other songs with a similar Jesus-will-never-forsake-you theme. Sometimes I wonder if I am Christian, because when Greg Boyd (my pastor) says to imagine Jesus in your head, I can't. How am I supposed to know what he looked like? And I wonder if maybe Jews could get into heaven even they don't believe in Jesus. That makes me feel like a heretic.

I want to turn the world off and focus on hope and life. The only way I can do that is if I have Someone to hope in. For all my life, I've hoped in Christ because I was told to; I always wondered if I was doing it right. I don't want to hope because I'm told to. I want to hope because it's all I can do. I don't know if it's my own evil self or something evil putting thoughts in my head that I can't trust Jesus. Because look at all the people that kill themselves who were Christians...

Okay sorry for that tangent. It's like this: I trust God but Jesus is kind of distant. I know they are one and the same and Jesus is supposed to be "God visible" but I don't feel that. All I see is his Awesomeness in nature and his Beauty in people. I don't feel Him right now in this moment. Jesus. Sitting next to me as I cry for everyone who is hurting, yelling at Him: Where are you?????

My Life Right Now

2010-10-21T12:39:00.003-05:00

I haven't fallen off the face of the earth, but I have been busier than I can remember being in many years.

I had been doing really well, confident, joyful, and positive amidst my stress and busyness of life. Until the last few days. I could go into detail about why I think that is...but what's the point?

I woke up this morning to a very disturbing text. The brother of a friend of mine was murdered in Minneapolis by one of his tenants. I am very sad and pained to hear this. What kind of f'ed up world do we live in, I wonder sometimes? I don't even know how to pray for Kat and her family. Please pray for the Kohorst family if you think of it.

I also seemed to be doomed to fail at my relationships with men. I have been suffering a lot in this regard. But I am trying to get my mind off of it.

In a more positive light, I am enjoying my teaching job as a part time elementary Spanish teacher. It's crazy of course, because I have to plan the curriculum myself (with some help from other Spanish teachers in the district) but I am SO blessed to finally have a community to call my own and a principal who actually supports me and believes in me, rather than the opposite (like my last teaching job). Oh not to mention students who I actually can teach and who I enjoy teaching! God thank you for this amazing job!

Grad school is a little discouraging. I am not even sure if I want to do special education anymore and with the days getting shorter and my depression setting in again, I don't know if I can handle the stress of school and work (not to mention all the other crap). So who knows...

I am off work today and tomorrow. It's so nice to have a break. My roomie and I are going shopping so that's exciting. I will try to post more...if there's ever time!

Much love to all (even if you don't read this)!

New Things

2010-09-06T15:59:00.003-05:00

My mind is busy as always. The last two weekends were pretty fun. I went to IL to see family. Got to stay with my beloved cousin, Becca and her husband Dan. It was refreshing to get away. Then, on Monday, my first day of Teacher Workshop Week, a really bad cold hit, from which I am still recovering.

My parents came this past weekend, as well as some friends from out of town. Although a little overwhelmed with thoughts and discussions with my parents about theology, my weekend was, for the most part, refreshing.

Tomorrow I start my first day of teaching at my new job. I also started my Special Ed grad program last week. Lots of thoughts are floating around about faith, God, and Christianity; getting back into teaching; people with disabilities and why I decided to go into special education; depression/mental health; my upcoming trip to OR for my brother's wedding; relationships with friends; and an important decision I must make about a particular relationship with a good friend who happens to be a guy.

I am feeling mostly at peace about all of these new things. But the dreariness outside has put me in a strange mood. I feel tranquility that is on the edge of a kind of nothingness, blah-ness. I want to be ready for my week but it's like there is a strange something blocking my path toward awareness. I would like to get out of this funk but I am not sure where to turn or what to do.

Smile

2010-08-13T11:31:00.007-05:00

This is me and Ru (short for "Rufus") the dog I am taking care of. He makes me smile with his wagging tail and crazy excitement for life. The family he is a part of is such a great family and I smile thinking about them too. I hope they are enjoying their vacation. Their daughter Maddie is a wonderful young woman I PCA for (I talked about her on a different post.)

I am feeling awake and rejuvenated unlike last evening. MY body is ripping apart realizing the days are getting shorter. I know it could have been due to thunderstorms going through, but seriously yesterday it was dark already at 8 pm. :( It's amazing what my neurotransmitters do when the sun goes down at the end of each day.

This morning Ru and I got a nice walk in. I am not used to big dogs but luckily the leader collar helps. Sometimes he'll suddenly lurk forward in pursuit of a squirrel; there was one close call.

I feel very proud of myself because I have been getting ready for the fall by lesson planning (yes, already!) This morning I received an email with the "Specialist's schedule" (Specialists are non-classroom teachers like Art, Music, PE, and Spanish-me). IT looks like there are 4 first grade classes and 3 classes of grades 2-5. Whew! But the nice thing is I will only have them for 30 minutes at a time. Each class will see me every 2 to 3 days. I am really starting to (allow myself to) get excited.

Probably my biggest struggle in life is allowing myself to experience joy, excitement and fun. It has a lot to do with my melancholy personality. I am more of a negative person, but of course I can be quite positive too. I am also quite hard on myself and I hate to fail. Plus, change is hard for anyone, but especially me it seems. So that's why this new job and grad school coming up are scary.

In my struggles with loneliness, worry and physical discomfort lately, I have been feeling even more drawn to my Savior and the Healer of my body. I have met Him primarily through music. One of my favorite artists is Meredith Andrews. All of her songs are amazing. I especially love "Can Anybody Hear Me?" It speaks to me because it's just how I feel. I'll share it with you:

I’m staring at these empty walls
Wondering when You’ll visit me again
When will You come?
If there is anything at all
Coming in between our love
Please show me, ‘cuz I am barely hanging on

Can anybody hear me?
The silence is deafening
Why do You feel so far away?
When I know You’re here with me
But I just need faith to see
Nothing can separate me from Your love

Believing what I can’t see
Has never come naturally to me
And I’ve got questions
But I am certain of a Love
Strong enough to hold me when I’m doubting
You’ll never let go of my hand

Can anybody hear me?
The silence is deafening
Why do You feel so far away?
When I know You’re here with me
But I just need faith to see
Nothing can separate me from Your love

I will trust in You, even in the moments
I can’t find you, and I will hold on to
Your promises of love
You’ve never failed before

I know You can hear me
When the silence is deafening
Even though You seem far away
And I know You’re here with me
But I just need faith to see
Nothing can separate me from Your love

Hope you were blessed by these words. Now off to to see my beloved niece, nephew, bro and sis-in-law! Oh how I love them.

Lonely but at Peace

2010-08-11T19:26:00.008-05:00

A few weeks ago I had the deepest feelings of loneliness I remembered having in a very long time. I cried and cried my heart out to God. I did feel sad but it didn't feel like depression as much as just this aching emptiness. I was supposed to go to this event with a friend and she backed out of it at the last minute. It was a "Wellness Picnic" hosted by the chiropractor/wellness place I go to. And it was too last minute to ask anyone else, beside the fact that not very people in my life are interested in this sort of thing. For almost nine weeks I have battled internally if I should even be going to this place. Since I started going my anxiety and OCD tendencies (obsessive thoughts) have gotten way worse. I have been extremely ambivalent and pulled in two different directions, wondering if on the one hand I am going overboard with my health concerns (that are now obsessions) but yet wanting to take care of this body God has given me and seek solace and freedom from my many maladies. I have felt utterly ALONE in this process because everyone in my life is on one side of the fence or the other (the majority thinking this place has made me more anxious and obsessed and I should stop going).

SO the Saturday of the picnic when my friend (my one "health nut" friend who lives nearby) backed out, I was torn. My parents were in town and I knew I'd see them tomorrow but felt I "should" be with them instead of going to some thing where I didn't know anyone. I did end up going and it was okay. The talk on "Spine Fitness" was good and I picked up some tips. But I didn't meet anyone my age in my situation as I'd hoped. In fact there weren't very many people there at all. I quickly got over my extreme sadness after the event and during work at the group home that evening.

But I still struggle with this intense loneliness off and on. Mostly due to this health battle, depression/anxiety battle, and what faith/God has to say about it. Feel quite misunderstood and discouraged by both the people who seem to know me and care about me best AND by these new people who I feel have some hidden knowledge and I'm struggling whether or not to trust them. Also because I don't have a significant other with which to share these intense struggles. :(

I don't feel lonely very often because I am an introvert. Being alone is something I love. Even when I was seriously dating I had to be alone many nights a week (this drives a boyfriend mad, I realize.) I am so dragged down when I am around lots of noise, commotion, and chaos also because I am an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) (See one of my links to right if you're wondering what that is.)

A blog friend of mine said to talk about my birthday party. I wanted to put up pics but I am house sitting so I don't have them handy. I had a really crazy weekend (half of the events I'd planned ended up being cancelled due to a 3-day migraine--my body's way of telling me "too much!" I suppose). But Sunday I was feeling better and had a birthday get together at a nearby place called Chatterbox Pub (I planned the event myself). I had written to God in my journal earlier, "I am going to have caffeine and maybe a little alcohol because I want to be like my outgoing, extroverted friends." And, being that I am extremely sensitive to caffeine because I no longer have it, my one cup of tea had me wired for the evening! We had a great time. I couldn't believe about twenty of my friends showed up. Less than two years and a few months ago, I knew only two of these people. I am very blessed that God directed me to the church I am at now (Woodland Hills) and these wonderful people. We had yummy food, played games and of course the best part: karaoke! Only a very few people were actually interested so that was a bummer, but we still had a good time. After there was only me and few people left, we decided to leave, but I still felt insatiable like I wished I could keep singing the whole night. I knew it had to do with caffeine and my love for singing, but this energy and desire kind of scared me. That night I ended up awake until 4:30 a.m. the next day but I didn't even have a migraine the next day. Thank you God!

During my party I didn't have any of the obsessions about food or health and really was able to relax with my wonderful friends. Even the food I had didn't affect me negatively (like most restaurant food does). Hallelujah!

After that night, I felt a bit of a let down. Because as always I was searching for something to fill me up. Of course it wasn't wrong to go out and have fun...but I can't really get into that here. I spent a few days with my parents in WI and that was good. Now I am house/dog-sitting for some friends of mine and again feel kind of lonely but at the same time glad to have it quiet and relax some.

Lots of thoughts and some neck and hand pain (from typing) but I am so glad to be at peace now.

Alone

2010-08-10T12:21:00.003-05:00

A beautiful song that has really spoken to me the last few days and weeks. (All of Meredith Andrews' songs are amazing.)

You're Not Alone
~Meredith Andrews

I search for love
When the night came and it closed in
I was alone
but you found me where I was hiding
and now I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name
saying

You're not alone
for I am here
let me wipe away your every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the one who's loved you all your life
All of your life

You cry yourself to sleep
cause the hurt is real
and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost
With heartache your closest friend
and everyone else long gone

You've had to face the music on your own
but there is a sweeter song that calls you home
saying

You're not alone
for I am here
let me wipe away your every tear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest nights
And I'm the one who's loved you all your life
All your life

Faithful and true... Forever
For my love will carry you....

You're not alone
for I... I am here
let me wipe away every fear... Oh yeah
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through your darkest night
Your darkest night
And I'm the one who's loved you all your life
All of your life

Frustrated with Google and Blogger

2010-07-13T11:46:00.003-05:00

Is there any blogger out there who can answer my questions???

1) I am quite frustrated right now with Google. I switched to a different gmail and have not figured out how to transfer my new blog with it. Instead my blog ONLY opens up under my old gmail address. (Hence, I constantly have to SIGN OUT of blogger and sign in AGAIN with my OLD EMAIL. ANNOYING!!!!!) I went online for an answer and they said you can add a blog to the "Contributors" section. Well, that did not help because I still cannot access my blog directly from my current "brittanybettger@gmail.com" account. HELP!

2) I am wondering if I should switch to wordpress. Is that better? Could I have all my stuff from this blog transfer to the new one? Any recommendations. Does anyone even read my blog???????????????

How Change Affects Me

2010-07-10T13:25:00.005-05:00

I haven't written in a while because mostly, I think, what's the point? I barely understand myself, why should I even try to put it into words for other people to try and understand me, that is, IF people even read what I write.

I am an extremely sensitive person (Elaine Aron's book The Highly Sensitive Person is amazing, describes me well and has really made an impression on my life) and lately I have been very touched by life's changes.

I was talking to my counselor the other day and explaining how in the last couple weeks all this stuff happened: my bro Greg and sis-in-law Sarah suddenly had twins and moved from Texas to my neighborhood; my younger bro Tim came back suddenly from Germany for surgery and went back a few days ago; I got a teaching job for the fall; I am beginning grad school; my oldest brother Nate and his fiancée are getting married in a few months and want to start having kids ASAP; I found out my dog is dying and how that's affecting my parents is really tearing my up (not to mention how I already worry about them); within a few hours of each other, I found out a dear person in my life had a second miscarriage AND that a couple who I led youth with at my old church were involved in a horrific incident in which they were both shot (the wife died)...and it goes on.

Not to mention how much has happened over the last few years that I am still trying to get a handle on, both with me AND the people close to me in life. One thing with me is that I feel SO deeply and this has proven a blessing and curse.

I was so sick after hearing about my friend who lost his wife that I went through a phase (few days) of feeling guilty if I even tried to make myself happy. The thought: ("How is it okay that I am happy when my friend is suffering so much?") I struggle with this immensely when I hear of tragedies. That's why the news is so hard to watch. What's the point? I can DO NOTHING so I feel horrible and guilty a lot.

The good news: I have been feeling better after these incidences and have started to reframe my thoughts. I know my friends and loved ones wouldn't want me to suffer like that. And as my counselor said, we will all have horrific things in our life. That makes me remember when my brother Tim had his life-threatening motorcycle accident. While I felt the worst pain of my life, I felt I had a role so that's how I kept going. I knew I had to be there for my family. But with others' tragedies, I somehow feel it is my role to suffer because they are suffering and if I stop going crazy, then that is not fair to them.

I know it's messed up; that's what depression and anxiety can do to a person. (See how it's kind of an extreme form of empathy?) And I know it is spiritual too. My Lord doesn't want me to suffer this way and he can comfort people more than I ever could. That alone is a good thought and eases my burdens. Satan definitely wants me to be depressed about all these tragedies and wants to spur on all these lies in my head. Yes, yes I know all this. But for some reason, as I get older, I realize life isn't getting any better as far as bad news goes.

Jesus, can you please come back soon?

And now I am in over my head with the "sad state of American health care" (a new obsession: good or bad, I am not sure, but that's for another entry...)

My Wonderful Day

2010-06-15T17:03:00.005-05:00

Many wonderful things have happened today this first day in weeks (?) of delightful sun. I had taken a deep dip inside of myself this past weekend and it was not fun. I cannot explain how the depression gripped me like an eagle's talons grabs its prey. I was overtaken by uncontrollable crying spells, horrible thoughts, painful and uncomfortable physical symptoms, and literally had a hard time breathing.

Thanks be to the LORD for a new day. I woke up and had an interview this morning and it went a lot better than anticipated! It was for a Spanish elementary teaching position-actually there are four positions available but they might combine a few because they are less than full time. But i am interested in taking them BECAUSE they are less than FT because i will be starting grad school. I would like to teach but I am very concerned about my mental and physical stability if I begin a brand new FT teaching job AND grad school! So we will see what God has in store. There were only 2 interviewers so not too intimidating. The questions were not hard. As anticipated one person asked me questions in Spanish and they were easily understood. I stumbled quite a bit (in my opinion). One of the questions in Spanish was to describe how to teach 2nd graders about a "Family" theme. Well, it just so happens that I did JUST THAT in Guatemala but to Mayan girls in English so i was able to show them an example of the puppets I used in the lesson! Even if my Spanish wasn't great, hopefully they are impressed. Anyway, they will narrow it down to 5 people (out of 10) for the 2nd interview-which will be with more people! So I should find out tomorrow if I made it to the next round. I would like to make home made thank you cards for the interviewers if I can keep this enthusiasm up!

After my interview, I came home and found that an electrician was working in my room so it had turned into a tornado. No worries. I grabbed my undergarments without him looking and changed from my suit coat into work out clothes to go for a walk on this gorgeous day. Then for about 5 minutes I got to talk to my friend Becca in El Paso who i haven't talked to in FOREVER. After a refreshing walk, I made myself a nice frozen drink with this amAAAZing goji berry juice i bought. The electrician had left so that gave me the opportunity to straighten and clean my room. Then my roomie Jenn and I went to the library where it was horrendously busy with all the kids on summer break and an in-house juggler. I got some yoga videos, a yoga book and a book called the Sugar Solution.

We then went to my favorite store ever Fresh & Natural Foods where I bought stuff to make a delightfully yummy organic (mostly) gluten free pasta salad. So that's what I did when I got home AFTER mowing the front yard even though the mower made me so annoyed that I cursed at it (really loudly because I had my music blaring on my ipod). After making the pasta, I blared the rock music on pandora and cleaned and sanitizing while squashing tiny little black ants in the process (they have now somehow gotten up in my cupboard and have found my organic ginger and honey!)

Now my pasta salad is cooling. It is for my small group get- together tonight--with some of my best friends in the world. Anyway, it has been a great day so far. (I even had a headache and it went away!)

Trip Down Memory Lane

2010-06-03T10:05:00.004-05:00

Lately I have been in good spirits, thanks be to God. The last few weeks I have been enjoying a variety of substitute teaching assignments! As this is one of the last few days of school, there is a LOT going on in the schools, so it has been exciting to be a part of end of year activities. Today and tomorrow I am subbing for a high school band teacher. This particular district is one of my favorites in which to sub. Unfortunately the teacher has some health concerns and cannot be here today OR tomorrow. I was reluctant at first to pick up the job, but it's been fun so far. It has definitely brought back a TON of wonderful memories from high school.

For me high school was NOT one of my favorite times of life. But what DID keep me going was the music I was involved in at school, particularly choir. It was such a cultural experience. I learned and laughed and had more fun than in any other classes. I got really close to some people since we had done music together since 7th grade. That's what I am reminded of here. Students just come in to the room and go as they please. You can tell they really have built a relationship with the teacher. I remember the choir room being my "safe haven" in high school. I would come in and eat my lunch there, do my homework and, of course, practice piano on the nice pianos!

I have the privilege of observing a combined rehearsal this morning of their big end of the year concert for graduation. Also, he has students coming in for lessons which I get to observe/listen, that is, IF they show up! I just talked to one graduating senior who told me today is her last day of school and she is having bittersweet feelings. Also, she will be going to Bethel where I attended! So it was positive.

That's what I love about what I do. I get to meet so many people. Who knows if I will ever see them again. But I am changed by individuals who I meet and these wonderful varying experiences God has given me! I hope I have made a small difference in the lives maybe a few of these kids (and adults) with whom I have worked!

A New Way to Live

2010-05-26T20:31:00.004-05:00

As you can see I changed my blog title and "About Me." More about that later (or maybe you will begin to understand after this entry).

I have been in a weird place lately, physically and spiritually, and consequently, emotionally. Last Saturday at church, I felt God telling me to go up and get prayer which, of course, I was very nervous about doing. After a kind man name Lawrie/Lori prayed for me, I guess I didn't know what to expect. Sudden restoration?

You may be wondering exactly what it is that is bothering me. Well, overall I am doing pretty well. But there is one thing that I have been obsessed with lately: food. No I don't overeat or nor am I concerned about my weight. After reading a book called The Food Allergy Cure by Dr. Ellen Cutler and talking with my friend Becca and others with food sensitivities I have determined I am doing something wrong with me eating. I have struggled my entire life with headaches, for almost 10 years with depression, and for many years with other things, so I thought, why not go gluten free? But it has turned into an obsession. (As always, whenever I want to do something potentially good it gets out of control as my thoughts/obsessions become uncontrollable).

Anyway, I am reading this book by Larry Crabb and naturally the title is appealing. My whole life is about pressure, basically due to perfectionism, with which I have a love/hate relationship. I am always trying to do things right at all times. NOw it has to do with food. Well, anyway, Crabb is not necessarily a great writer but his book is simple and to the point. His basic point is "There's a New Way to live" in which we are not contstantly striving, trying to find all the answers, trying to find causes for everything, trying to be perfect. BUT I am still trying to figure out what the New Way is he talks about (I am little over half way through the book). He basically has said thus far that we need to make Christ our number one priority-easily said, obviously. (Ironically, Crabb seems to present the "answer" to our problems when in the first place, he says we shouldn't be seeking the answers!)

He talks about how we are taking advantage of Christ when we have an "If/then" mindset, "If I do these things, You will then deliver me out of this problem, give me this blessing, etc." This all is simply stated and makes sense. But my question is, God is not going to blatantly say, "Brittany, you have these food sensitivities." I need to to use the brain he gave me to find the answers! Right? I feel this is in my power like I could possibly find the answer to my problems, particularly depression which has created all my other problems, I believe.

Maybe some people reading this might think, Why is she so concerned about all this? I do sound kind of obsessed with myself. But I have come to realize the importance of our bodies and how for me personally, everything I eat contributes to my mood, physical symptoms, etc. But maybe I have taken it too far. Should I just accept my depression as part of life? As I thought I already had. But after reading the Food Allergy book, I thought, "What if..." What if something I have been eating my whole life is causing it? In Crabb's mind, I maybe should not be searching for the answer.

I think there is some sort of middle ground here. But I am so stuck as always in my black-and-white, all-or-nothing thoughts.

Then there's the whole gluten-free (or low gluten) I have tried to do for the past few days. I am quite irritated because nothing has really changed. In fact, it may have gotten worse. Yesterday and today I experienced INTENSE sudden fatigue after having gotten good rest the night before. And have been having headaches almost every day for two weeks now. Anyway, I am sure nothing's wrong, but the GF has not improved anything, plus I can't afford this diet and I miss bread too much.

I am Applying to Grad School!

2010-04-26T08:32:00.001-05:00

Personal Statement
St Marys Graduate School of Arts Application
Masters of Arts in Special Education
By Brittany Bettger

Hello! My name is Brittany Bettger. After graduating from Bethel University in 2006, I taught two years in St. Paul Public Schools. I also have one and a half years’ experience substitute teaching in a variety of Twin Cities’ school districts.

During the 2008-09 school year I taught kindergarten at Riverview West Side School of Excellence in St. Paul. The majority of the students in my classroom came from non-English speaking homes, six had Academic Intervention Plans, and several were on IEPs. With this diverse population of students, I taught with the school-wide Success for All (SFA) program, creating a variety of learning centers that met district requirements. With the assistance of my teacher mentors, I established and monitored my own style of classroom management that included daily progress reports and a variety of whole class reward systems.

My interest in a special education program comes from many sources. As a new teacher in the St. Paul school district, I was a classroom teacher with many needy students. My preferred teaching context as a Special Education educator is a personalized, small group setting. I also appreciate opportunities to continue relationships with individual students over the course of several years. Teaching special education students would allow me more opportunities to teach in these preferred ways.

Secondly, during my years as a classroom and substitute teacher, I had the pleasure of working alongside special education teachers and paraprofessionals. At Riverview, because of the needs of my students, I was in constant communication with the school social worker, special education teacher, and speech teacher. I also met occasionally with the district psychologist and the occupational therapist. Observing and learning from the amazing work of these professionals have inspired me to become a special education teacher.

Another reason I desire to earn a degree in Special Education is that I have a deep passion and interest in people who struggle with developmental and cognitive disabilities. Presently, I work for two different companies, ACR Homes, Inc. and Lifeworks where I have the pleasure of assisting adults with disabilities in their home environment. As a personal care attendant, I assist the residents with daily cares, nutrition, medications, leisure activities, and goal setting. I have learned so much from these individuals and I look forward to expanding my experience to include children with disabilities.

My biggest strengths as a human being and a teacher are empathy, compassion and sensitivity. I have a keen ability to experience another’s emotions alongside him or her. Because of my sensitive nature, I am able to see an individual’s need and take action to meet this need. Additional attributes to describe me are dedicated and conscientious. I work to the fullest of my ability to accomplish tasks laid before me. Finally, I am a reflective, self-aware person. In my daily life, I am very conscious of my decisions and how they affect others. I am constantly monitoring my actions, looking for ways that I can learn from my mistakes and become a better person.

One area where I would like to develop greater strengths and abilities is in my self-confidence. I often have creative ideas, but would like to develop greater strength in sharing these ideas with others. Another skill I would like to develop is the ability to balance my hard-working, analytical nature with a more at-ease, intentional temperament. While it is important to accomplish tasks, I do not want my to-do list to infringe on my chance at a stronger relationship with someone, which is of utmost value in life.

A personal element I would like to share involves my tenure at ACR Homes, Inc. When I began working for ACR in 2004, I didn’t realize how radically I would change. The residents with whom I worked at the group home taught me so much about the beautiful and simple things in life. I learned to let go of the things that worried me and focus on them and what made them joyful. My character was greatly strengthened over the course of my time at the home. I became a more giving and loving person and more grateful for all the things in life I take for granted. My experience at ACR Homes has helped me realize what my life’s work is: to share my compassion and creativity with others while also gaining wisdom from them. A career in Special Education is a step I would like to take toward reaching this dream.

Is Escaping Wrong?

2010-04-12T20:32:00.004-05:00

It's been forever since I have written. Frankly, a blank page scares me because that's when I have to really think deeply. And I am terrified of what I know is there when I look inside myself. Since I am tired I am going to borrow a bit from a journal recently I wrote about what is going on with me.

I am making myself write because I don't want to. At least I think I don't. I don't look forward to confronting the stuff that is happening inside this brain. Lately I've been getting by with my addictions, namely my novel reading. I love getting lost in the characters' problems. I love forgetting myself by going to another world. I know this isn't wrong to a degree. I've been reading Jodi Piccoult, whose books deal with intense, moral and controversial issues. Hard to put down! She covers themes like self-esteem, popularity, dysfunctional families (whose isn't?), grief, loss, revenge, redemption, betrayal and faith/spirituality. I've learned a lot from her books and I look forward to reading them each day.

But I often feel ashamed or guilty because the themes are so heavy and I tend to become rather anti-social when I read a really good novel (or am otherwise immersed in something deep and passionate, like card-making or writing for example). I don't like coming back to real life because I always know what's going to happen. Lately, I feel guilty because I am not practicing my mindfulness or "with it" skills. That and I am beating myself up for not reading the Bible or having a "quiet time." (What does that mean anyway????) Reading these books has kept me "safe." By that I mean, less bad thoughts, because I am frankly thinking less about my own problems. But it also means, I feel very out of sync. Like I am not even really alive. And that I've been treating others in my life poorly.

I tried to take a break in between the last novel I finished and the current one. So for two days I forced myself to read my Creativity/spirituality book and write in my journal. And it just made me mad and anxious.

The reason I am escaping has to do with, as I said, my thoughts. They are not fun.

As a rule, I try to moderate everything that I do. I am always concerned that I am doing everything right (not too much of this, not too little of that.) I know, I hate that about me but I am not about to start judging my judging, so I will accept that my perfectionism makes me ugly at times but try to accept it.

But I will also thank God for his good and wonderful gifts of creative people who write engaging stories...and many other things. And trust that He loves me no less if I happen to be annoyed with Christian judgements going on in my head, so much to the point that I am resentful of He Himself and the Bible itself. (More on this in another entry).

Well, I am going to go to bed now.

What is on my Mind

2010-03-18T17:10:00.003-05:00

Well, I had an interesting day today. A friend of mine, Bethany, ended up subbing at the same middle school with me and we actually team taught (I was the regular math sub and she was the ELL sub) just for one period. It was fun to see her and have someone to eat lunch with! Bethany and I go way back, but anyway, that's for a different day. IT was very bizarre for me to be "working" with her...She said the same thing.

Unfortunately, my day kind of went downhill after that. It is a very hard school, with students that are ethnically diverse and have lots of behavior problems. That probably would not be an issue if the periods weren't 85 minutes AND I did NOT recieve a prep (break) period NOR did I get paid for it. But I stuck it out and now I am fried. The last period was so intense. Kids talking, shrieking, laughing, yelling, coming in and leaving, throwing things, breaking things, all the while, I am trying to keep them on task. Luckily, there were kids from the high school that were helping. But I still felt like everything was going crazy. I spent the entire day taking huge deep breaths, but, of course, I messed up a lot. At the end of the day, a very large boy really scared me and ended up acting really inappropriately with a female student, so I got him out of the room. For the last fifteen minutes of the day, students were supposed to be cleaning up the trashed room. There was a broken sharpener smashed, little blue pieces all over the floor. Ripped papers. One student dumped a pile of ripped up papers over the head of another girl. Another girl dumped a bunch of little pieces of papers from her desk onto the floor. No idea why. It was-to say the least-chaotic. I found myself going into my usual out-of-body state. Like I was watching something out of a movie. I can't control it, but it is definitely real. The best part was getting my name changed from Ms. Bettger to Ms. Butt. Like they literally erased my name on the board and wrote that. Haha. I am just glad no one got seriously hurt and that my day is over. I made sure to leave a nice long note for the teacher, as I usually do.

Even though it was hard, I am now home and can laugh about it and know that I don't have to go back if I don't want to. (But I probably will.)And I was able to sit and relax on the deck on a beautiful afternoon with my roommates! And, believe it or not, the hardest days I have subbing, usually CANNOT compare with how EVERY SINGLE day was for me as a teacher of inner-city Kindergarten last year, that being, COMPLETE HELL. Yes, it's hard to believe I made it through nine months alive! THat's why I try to take these days as a treasure, these days I can come home, with no lesson planning, grading, classwork, parents to deal with, awww, yes. I can just relax, at least try to! Although I still feel like a failure a lot of the time as a sub and want to do a perfect job, I usually forget about it, whereas last year, I had a very unsupportive principal to deal with who was always breathing down my neck. (No wonder I didn't last at that school).

Another thing on my mind is, as always, marriage and babies. Yes, I found out when she showed up today, that my friend Bethany is having a baby. She and her husband got married last July. I am happy for them. I just still cannot believe it...(you would have to know the history behind me and Bethany but that is a book to one day be written !) A few years ago, I never would have guessed where she and I are today.

Besides just the wierdness of being with Bethany in a school classroom, I have to say I had a very familiar feeling of ... envy (that she is pregnant) ... creep over me subconsciously and tried to push it away. Again and again.

In fact, I laid in bed last night and thought (again) of all the young women in my life who have found their "perfect someone" and are now trying to or are having children. I tried so hard to pray for forgiveness for perhaps having negative thoughts toward them, but I could not help but feel the intense but very familiar pain. OF not measuring up. Even though, in my MIND, my worth has nothing to do with my status as a single, it will take maybe til my dying day to understand this in my heart. Especially when you work in a profession in which everyone is a woman, and all they talk about is marriage and baby raising...

Bleh. Deep breath. I need to find some single women who share my pain! Luckily the tears aren't burying me alive like they were last night.

On Being Single

2010-02-25T11:29:00.006-06:00

I am going to write about something quite personal. Not that anyone reads this, but I hope it encourages maybe at least one person. I have recently decided to stop dating. At least at this time in my life. So here it is: I am single, and increasingly, I am proud of it.

This is how I ended my personal journal/prayer today: "I never dreamed I'd be here. Sitting alone on my bed age 25 1/2, no husband or kids, no full time job, college loans not paid off, living in a dark, warm, rattly basement room with two single 30-something women. And I'd never dreamed that I'd be, what was that, content?"

That is, almost content.

I am so sick of mommy blogs. Okay, so when I find myself not working like today (again), I read blogs, a lot of them written by married women with young children. I have some favorites that you can find on my blog roll. I like them because they are entertaining, yes, the kids are adorable, and I like getting ideas for cooking, crafts, etc. Some I read so often, I feel like I almost know the people. But when I look at these blogs, bad thoughts play in my head at times. Bad thoughts I have come to find quite common.

That is me, that is supposed to be me.

Who ever said I was supposed to be them anyway? Well, this is a very touchy subject. But the pain, thanks be to God, has ever decreased over time and I can talk about it now.

It goes back to what a lot of you women remember growing up. Well, for as long as I can remember, I wanted to have babies. I've come to realize it's because my mom was the oldest of five kids, my dad in the middle of four, and so there were always women having babies in our family. I just loved them. I remember for a long time, there was a new baby every year in our family (on either or both sides). I was a typical little girl, with lots of dolls. As I grew up it turned into, my goal in life was not only to have babies, but to find that "perfect someone" to have babies with. Okay, so it wasn't my number one goal, but it was ALWAYS in the back of my mind in my early teens, then into high school and college. Especially as I came to realize when many of the women (grandma, mom, aunts) met and married their spouses. Quite young. Met in their teens and married by age 20 or 21.

As a child, I idealized women and, regrettably, I still do. (That's why this blogging business can be dangerous.) My mom, aunts, cousins, grandma, teachers, babysitters, and all the women in my favorite movies and shows, especially Dr. Quinn, Laura Ingalls, and Anne of Green Gables.

With all these women, there was usually one similarity. They had a man. And if they didn't (by a certain age), something was wrong with them. You see, one of my biggest fears is that people might see me the way I saw single, unmarried women. AS a child, I remember feeling pleasure that a teacher was "Mrs." but if she was "Miss" or "Ms." something must be wrong. If the teacher was "Ms." that meant she was divorced and if she was "Miss" and not reasonably young I would think, "Why is she not married? Is she not pretty enough?" blah blah blah.

Somehow in my thoughts and observations as a young girl, I came to believe this is what it means to be beautiful and worthy: to have a wonderful man at your side and to have his babies. While I still struggle now to dismiss this as a lie, I am so proud of how far I have come!

I still wonder when I see beautiful women how or why they are single. But then I am reminded, Oh yeah. I'm a beautiful woman and single. (In fact, I've been asked this so many times in my life.) So in a way, it's kind of nice to have support and be supported by people like me.

That brings me to a point of frustration: I wish there were more blogs out there that are written by people like me: mid 20s, single, and not that content about it! It seems almost every blog is young, married and trying to get pregnant; young, married with kids; or older 30s, married with kids. There are a few that are young and newly engaged or married, and even fewer that are college age. Even less I have found are older than 40. Okay there are a few that are single and 20s, but they seem more the partyer hard core type, not the traditional-at-heart like I am. While I enjoy reading all different types of blogs, it would be nice to find a few like mine! (But at least I have my friend Becca's blog. She and I are kind of in the same boat, I think!)

Thanks for listening to my scoop on singlehood. If you're there, hang on, I understand!

Random Post

2010-02-24T07:45:00.002-06:00

I have been sick for over a week now. So today I decided to take another day off work. (Was in bed all day yesterday.) I didn't have the energy to try and sub today. I worked last weekend, a long day on Monday, and will be working this weekend too. So I am sitting here trying not to feel guilty for trying to heal myself. I have a bad virus, but a weird one. I remember going to work last year when I felt a TON worse than this. That's why the guilt is eating away at me. I keep telling myself, now is different. I had two really hard years of teaching, so I try to see my life as a gift right now. Since I have the chance as a sub to simply not answer the phone, which might actually help me in the long run, why not?

I have been working really hard to take care of myself. Got some nice organic herbal tea, been drinking lots of water, and Emergen-C, and trying to rest. But I still hear myself worrying. About money mostly. What's the point of worrying about money when I don't even know why I am trying to make money? I don't want to simply live my life to pay off my loans. That's what I feel like my point of life is sometimes, though. Since I have no desire to teach (right now) nor anything else.

My passion for a career has suddenly died, but somehow my depression has lessened if that makes any sense. Well, thinking about not knowing what my future holds makes me freak out a bit. Overwhelmed is a good word to describe it. But not totally down to the point of incapacity like I was a little over a month ago (I only shared this with a few close people in my life...maybe hinted a little bit one here).

And another weird thing, my depression usually gets really severe when I am physically ill, like now. But I have stayed overall pretty positive. I think it has to do with the sun being out, longer days, and taking care of myself by eating well and exercising.

Life has been kind of blah, though. Every so often I get excited. Usually it's when I am at the store and buying all kinds of yummy, healthy things, and then at home when I put together a creative colorful meal, that I know will help me feel better. But that's about it.

So I am not really up, not really down. I am okay with that for now. What can I say? I am going to try to embrace who I am right now; not try to force anything. Certainly, feeling guilty is not going to help. So plans for today are drink a lot, eat well, and rest much. Maybe do some mindfulness activities through journaling. Just being is enough for today.

What if I am Never Healed?

2010-02-15T09:35:00.005-06:00

I recently finished this book. There are some profound things in here. I have always admired Lincoln because I believe we are very similar. He also has given me hope. If I, someone with depression, could achieve something an iota of what he achieved while suffering, I would consider my life great. Probably the most profound thing was found on page 156. The author, Joshua Wolf Shenk, states, (bolded, mine):

Many popular philosophies propose that suffering can be beaten simply, quickly, and clearly. Popular biography often expresses the same view. Many writers, faced with unhappiness of a heroic figure, make sure to find some crucible in which that bad feeling melted into something new. Lincoln's melancholy doesn't lend itself to such a narrative. No point exists after which the melancholy dissolved...Whatever greatness Lincoln achieved cannot be explained as a triumph over personal suffering. Rather it must be accounted for as an outgrowth of the same system that produced that suffering. This is not a story of transformation but one of integration. Lincoln didn't do great work because he solved the problem of his melancholy. The problems of his melancholy was all the more fuel for the fire of his great work.

This was not something I heard for the first time, but an idea that has been rolling over into my head these past few months (and maybe even years): Can I live a successful life with depression? Or do I continually feel I need to eradicate depression from my life before I can live?

Well the truth is that I already am. That is, I already am living with depression. I have no choice at this point. This was made even more real to me after listening to Greg Boyd's sermon (I listened to the pod cast since I missed the service.) It was entitled "Communion in the Wilderness." Based on Luke 22:7-20, the Communion Supper, Boyd talked about the space in between when we take communion and when we finally arrive in heaven. He called it the Wilderness, like the Israelites experienced before they arrived in the Promised Land. He had a member of the church, Scott, come up and talk about his experience with MD (muscular dystrophy). Scott talked about how his whole life people would "pray over him" for healing, but he was never healed. In fact, his MD just worsened. Now Scott has come to the point where he has accepted his MD and when people ask if they can pray for him, he kindly says, "Thanks, but I don't believe that is what God has for me at this point."

Wow! Like Scott, I have been told in so many words that my life would be so much more amazing if I was healed, in my case, from depression. NO kidding??!!!?? I have always struggled thinking I have lack of faith because I continue to suffer. Like Scott, I often felt people were saying it was MY fault that I wasn't healed.

On the other hand, am I just giving in to this depression because I am too weak to fight it?

Because of what GOd has been saying to me personally and through this book, this sermon and through the words of many people who, like me, haven't found supernatural healing, I have come to believe this: It is okay that I suffer from depression; and that I may have to take meds my whole life. Each time my depression gets better , I often think, this will be the last time. But now I am starting to think, each time I go through another depression, I will come out a stronger person. And without my depression, I wouldn't be the sensitive, bright, caring person that I am.

Not saying, I wouldn't take away my suffering or that of others' in a heartbeat. But what choice have I right now, except to live in and through what has been given to me? And who knows, maybe like Lincoln, I will accomplish something great, and my depression will be a part of that.

Valentines!

2010-02-15T09:30:00.003-06:00

Long Cold Winter

2010-01-28T17:51:00.004-06:00

It's been awhile since I have written because I have been uninspired lately. Nothing incredible has really happened to me, but I guess that's a good thing. One thing I have noticed about this winter is that it is one of the longest, coldest of my life. Each day the sun goes down my joy seems to dissipate with it. It is very subtle but quite real. Now as I sit typing in the dark, I am staying afloat by the fake light coming from this computer, the news on TV and the timed lamp that lovingly comes on each day at approximately 4:50, and mostly by the dreams of sunshine and warmth and hope.

The great thing is that the days are getting longer. Today it was still light at 5 pm; and despite, the FREEZING weather, we have had two days of wonderful sun. I cannot tell you how much more joy I experience when the sun is out.

I have begun to dream, instead of just trying to get through the day. Sometimes I dream about a very blurry but aching future, of being with the love of my life, that future someone with whom God has yet to provide me. And of reaching my second lifelong dream, of being a mom. But mostly I just dream about what I KNOW is coming and coming soon, the birth of my friends' babies in just a few short weeks and months! And I am looking forward to summer, this summer particularly. I am scared because I don't know what it will entail.

But anything that is combined with sun, you can be assured I can tolerate it, if not relish in it. I cannot tell you how sun affects me; and how darkness/night radically shakes me. I have a hard time enjoying the sun knowing that darkness will inevitably come.

These days have been filled with more hope. And I know it will keep increasing with each passing day. Soon my fingers will be warm, and dry hands will no longer burn, I won't be huddled in bed at night, but stretched out in peaceful moonlight. I won't hear about horrible snow-related accidents and falls. And thunderstorms, I can't wait for those!

But, then again, I am trying to focus on this moment! The hot baths and the nice-smelling lotion. Warmth emitted by your own body under a blanket. The hot meals and drinks after a cold walk outside. And just the incredible beauty and freshness of winter.

Winter, I will try to love you and enjoy each beautiful moment you give, but I won't be sad to see you go.

Car accidents, earthquakes, and my Job as a Caregiver

2010-01-15T11:04:00.007-06:00

Yesterday I awoke to see that I had a missed call from my mom. I remember hearing it ring as I was just beginning to fall asleep the night before. So I immediately thought something bad happened since the call was from 10 pm and my mom knows I got to sleep early. But she almost always leaves a message; this time she didn’t. And when it’s bad news, it’s a sinister voice saying, “Hi honey. Please call when you can.” I’ve heard that voice one too many times. The more sinister and firm, usually the more serious the occasion. So of course, I was nervous. I called and got no response from either Mom or Dad's cell phones, so my head started spinning. I was so worried something horrible had happened. Luckily my mom called a couple minutes later. Sure enough my brother Greg was in a car accident on his way home from work the night before but he is okay. I was still so worked up and anxious I could barely calm down and started crying on the phone with my mom not even noticing. (Ever since Christmas night, tears have come on suddenly, forcefully. When they start, it is like a warm blanket cascading down. So needed and comfortable at first. I have to let out all that pain, that pain so real, raw, indescribable pain. I can’t even put into words. There was no tragedy, just an imagined one, but everything comes back so easily for me. Probably for most people that have had a loss, an almost-loss, or some sort of traumatizing event happen to them. These get relived through little things, like phone calls and voices. They plague and imprint your mind and you can never forget. Add on to that the fact that I simply cry easily and get down extremely quickly. Call it a season. Call it depression. Call it Brittany. Whatever. I go through periods where I am more dried up; now is not one of those periods.)

Anyway, I also called Greg but not on an impulse. It was a carefully planned event. Should I say painfully thought-over. That’s my mind for you: What if he answers? What if he doesn’t? What am I going to be doing while I talk to him? If I don’t do something at the same time, I will be late to work. What if we talk too long? What if I say the wrong thing? But my phone is dead; maybe it won’t be charged enough to talk. Maybe I shouldn’t call him. I’ll probably be bothering him. If I don’t, what kind of sister am I? Why didn’t he call me after the accident?

Finally, I got my breakfast ready and told my thoughts to shut up because they were still going. He answered after the first ring and immediately said, “Hi, how have you been doing?” as if nothing had happened. My brother Greg is always one who gives. When we talk, he hardly ever talks about himself. And, I am one who, when given a listening ear, can never shut up. But today, I didn’t want to focus on this pain. How dare I turn his scary accident into my own problem? Augh! I hate when I do that. So I didn’t mention me, but kept probing about how he was. I knew it was better for me that way. He assured me he was fine so that was good to hear, but I was still so anxious and troubled. He told me a little bit about the accident that involved four vehicles. His car was totaled, and so were some of the others but everyone was okay. I should be praising God, right? I tried to amidst my soft, cracking voice and brewing tears. I could barely eat my breakfast. Before he hung up, he said “Well, I am so glad to hear you are doing okay.” As if I were the one in the accident. But he was positive and I tried to feel it too. Maybe I was okay. If I just talked myself into it…I knew I could change these thoughts, this horrible sinking feeling in my gut. It just got deeper and the nausea grew. But I forced down the cereal and coffee as I said “I love you” to Greg and hung up.

Believe it or not, I had a pretty good day after that-once I got to work. Yesterday, I worked with my friend Maddie. She is a young woman with special needs who lives at home with her parents and siblings. It has its challenges, but I think it’s one of the best jobs in the world. I knew Maddie would want to know all about my family. She always gets my brothers mixed up (who doesn’t, though?). “How’s Nate doing? Is he the one in Germany?” “Nope remember you met Nate and Kat when there were in town over Christmas.” “Oh yeah! How are they?! They are so nice. I mean so sweet! Can you tell them I said hi?”

It’s hard to hang out with Maddie, take care of her, help her and learn from her, when I am so buried in my thoughts. But, luckily, I force myself to. I take her out to the library, book stores, coffee shops, plays, and her favorite: the animal shelter. I love seeing how she responds to different situations and how personable she is with complete strangers (of course, that can be dangerous, so I’m there to redirect her if needed.) But if I am ever too afraid to ask for something, no worries, Maddie has few inhibitions. She doesn’t worry about what people think of her. I have a lot to learn.

Of course, Maddie is quite vulnerable. I know she gets sad too. In my role helping people with disabilities, I have connected with them probably the deepest when I am sad. I don’t want to say my depression is a gift, but I know that there is nothing like crying with someone and truly feeling his or her pain. Yesterday, we talked a little bit about the earthquake in Haiti. That particular subject had been haunting me the past day and I was still feeling down from the morning occurrence so I didn’t really feel like talking about it. Luckily, Maddie’s soothing chatter turned elsewhere and quickly (which is quite common).

I enjoyed my time with her the rest of the day. And also, at ACR later in which I just did a short shift at one of the two homes where I work. Some people with depression can’t work. I am the lucky one. I work to survive. At least in combination with other much-needed things like a faith and spirituality that consumes me, healthy food, enough water, exercise, psychotherapy and a strong community of friends. In my role as teacher and caregiver, I am distracted, able to put my mind and body to use and not focus on myself and my sadness.

I am extremely affected by sad stories in the news or from family, friends, etc., so with the recent events in Haiti, I have been as down as ever, but not necessarily joyless. Sometimes, I wonder, as I walk into a classroom of bouncy teens, or giggly, squirrelly first graders, or as I look into the deep eyes of one of the residents, Shouldn’t the world stop? How can I be giving a bath or teaching about the Civil War when there are people dying, gasping for air under feet of rubble, crying out for relief. And as Greg Boyd said, will probably never be found because of their lack of resources in that already-impoverished country. But, no, life doesn’t stop. And, as I always try to do, I put myself in the shoes of those I serve. How are they thinking? How can I make life better for them? Life goes and on and will continue to go on in Haiti, but also here. So I need to stay in the moment and be here for these innocent children/adults who are dealing with this tragic news in their own way, or maybe not-maybe they have no idea but I need to make life comfortable for them. How is this possible when I have a hard time caring for myself, that I can be so focused on others? But this thinking is what is actually the most freeing for me, the times I feel most liberated from my depression.

My morning

2010-01-15T09:43:00.001-06:00

My head is spinning out of control. With so many ideas. As always. I can't think of one thing to write about, so I will just start with my unusual morning. Well, not that unusual I guess. As a substitute, I am starting to learn the ropes. I have acquainted myself with some of the schools and districts so this morning, I knew that although the call I accepted said to be there at 7:30 I would shoot to be there around 7, since school starts at 7:55. How in the world would 20 minutes be enough time to get ready for teaching third grade?

So I got to this Columbia Heights school at what felt like the middle of the night because of how dark it was. The first wierd thing was that there were hardly any cars there. I wonder why no one is here, I thought. As a Kindergarten teacher in inner city St. Paul last year, I would get to school sometimes at 6:30 (it was always a competition in my own mind to see if I could get there before my teaching partner who lived twice as far away...) and school didn't start til 9:10!

Of course the side doors were locked so I walked around to the front and opened the doors to hear a blaring country station and a dark school office. Great, it was locked. I couldn't check in, get the key to the classroom and begin planning my day. As often happens, my overachievement is purposeless. So I just sat outside that office. Pretty soon the teachers started coming but they looked rather casual with jeans on and none were carrying endless bags or suitcases like most elementary teachers. I'd been to this school before and don't remember having to wait like this. Many people walked by me; some gave me a glance or a half smile. I knew I was early so I just politely waited another half hour until my head started pounding because of the ANNOYING radio (literally deafening!) Now it was fifteen minutes til school actually started (not that the kids came, that is). Finally I asked someone--a lady who'd walked by me three times now with not so much as an acknowledgment, "Do you know when the secretary will be coming?" She looked at her watch-not too rudely-"She is usually here by now..." and then offered a nervous laugh.

AFter a bathroom run (oh it was warm and the country music was muffled...I should have just stayed in there!) and a lot of wandering, more and more people came by. Every one I thought, as jangling keys got closer and closer, it must be the secretary. This is wierd. And rude. But I kept trying to have positive thoughts. I had waited 40 minutes.

Finally, a lady in purple who I'd seen pulling a paper shredder across the hallway and up the stairs, was now on her way back down the stairs with the shredder. Surely, she will notice that I'm still here (I'd first seen her around 7:10) and she did. She walked pulling the shredder along as if it was her little pet-kind of bent over-and looked up at me with a wrinkled nose. Yes, I am noticed! I thought. "Do you know who you're waiting for?" I said, "Um, yes. For the office to be unlocked." She looked at me with an even-more furrowed brow. I don't think I looked too wierd. I had had my head in my hands so my hair was maybe a little ruffled. So I kept going. "So I can get a room key. I am a sub." Okay, now she was staring at me as if I were other-worldly. "But...there's no kids today." She blurted quickly as if I should have known. "Oh...I was wondering..."

Anyway, it turns out there was no school. So I left, now with a splitting headache. Oh well. I still got paid for two hours! And now I am sitting at my home computer writing on here.

I have a lot on my mind. I was a little mad (mostly because the music annoyed me...I didn't mind the driving and people-observing that much), but now I'm not. There are lot more important things I could be (and am) upset about-like the earthquake.

Comfort Ye Others Just as You are Comforted

2010-01-09T09:13:00.005-06:00

Last night I went to get an hour-long full body massage with hot stone therapy at a place nearby my house. I got a half-off deal in the mail! It was amazing! I'm glad I allowed myself to take care of myself that way. When she was doing my neck and shoulders she found I had knots up and down both sides of my neck that went all the way to the base of my skull. No wonder I've been in so much pain!

Anyway, the hot stones were the best because I was so cold, especially my poor bony fingers! I had so many knots and so much tension that she went an extra 15 minutes. I was able to really relax except the lotion she put on was a bit intense for my nose so I got a little headache. But people that are "too uncomfortable" to get massages like this don't know what they are missing!

I don't know what it is about me but I crave this skin on skin contact. I've always loved massage and got my first professional full body massage in high school when we used to have them included on my mom's insurance! I realized immediately that professional massages, just the ambience of it-everything-, was one of the only ways I can completely relax.

To get deep and spiritual, receiving a massage helps me connect with my body and realize again how beautiful I am. Also, just to be taken care of for once, ahhh, so nice. As I lay there yesterday, I thought of how I do physical therapy and massage/lotioning with the guys I take care of at the group home. I'm always worried I am doing it wrong, that maybe he is not comfortable. With the residents, they don't often communicate whether they are or are not comfortable. Because I received comfort yesterday as the receiver of massage, I was able to realize that yes, maybe I DO do a good job with the guys and maybe they enjoy my sloppy untrained attempts at PT and massage. More than that, though, I realize like my massage therapist, my first concern is for the other person.

Probably the best thing is helping my one resident get into bed at night. (Let's call him Cal.) Cal has a Parkinson's-like condition which makes him extremely exhausted and basically unresponsive as the day goes on. I just ache for him because he is so sleepy and often longs for his bed. I know all too well the feeling of being SO tired and having no energy to go through the process of getting to bed. Once Cal is finally all briefed, pajama-ed, lotioned and teeth-brushed, the next task is to get him to stand up from his wheelchair and take a few painful steps toward his bed, open and waiting for him. I, being a lover of my bed, can totally relate to his comfort in finally collapsing. Unfortunately, Cal is so weak that I have to reposition his rigid 150-lb body so that-to me-he looks comfortable and so that I, too, can receive comfort. Sometimes this is tough and requires him to stand and reposition himself a few more times (a process of a few minutes). Finally, finally he is looking cozy and I pull the sheet up, making sure it covers him evenly and then the comforter, tucking it under his droopy chin. I just see the release in his face and I feel it deep within. Rest. I know he's comfortable and at peace and that's the best feeling in the world.

To have that done to you every so often is great. That's why life is so beautiful. I am able to give because of the gifts Christ gives through others, whether it is a professional massage with hot stones, hugging and crying with a close friend, or a tiny child that you've known for less than a minute suddenly put her little hand in yours.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in your patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort. 2 Cor. 1:3-7

Today

2010-01-08T08:53:00.004-06:00

I got one call for subbing today. Technology ed at a local "close-to" inner city high school. And I just sat there staring at the phone and then logged on to the website and stared at it. Pretty soon someone will take it and I won't have to make a decision. Well, I could have a job today. But, of course, in a few minutes, the job was no longer available because of my inactivity. I pictured myself supervising a bunch of young men (and women) doing woodwork or something...it wasn't really fear it was just...inactivity. That's what I do when I don't want to make a decision. Now I don't have a choice.

I am not working today and I am trying not to say, "You should have" every two seconds.

I am in a lot of pain, physical especially. The last three days or so I have experienced lots of muscle tension in my neck and back. Trying to stretch and exercise on Wednesday seemed to make it worse. OF course, the common thought was "You're doing somethin wrong." And then, "You're fine. Suck it up." Then, "What if something's really wrong?" THen I used my roomie Jen's massager and nwo it's really sore!!! So I scheduled a massage (since it's half off) at a nearby place for today at 5! I am excited for that "me" time although I still feel guilty for not working. I hope the massage doesn't make the pain worse. That I am really able to relax.

More on my depression in the next post...since I have the whole day ahead of me...

Live in this World

2010-01-05T18:26:00.006-06:00

I wrote this on 1-4-10. It refers to many people who are important to me, including a woman I know at one of the group homes where I work.

Dearest LORD and my closest friend
I am so confused as to how
I can just sit here
My knees capture the sunlight
Coming in from the window
Just sit praising you
How is this changing anything?
But yet I do it
Because I just can't not do it
It is my very being
Who I am
And I don't feel in control now
Your Spirit is coming in
And the Sunlight is You
I'm captured by a real Being
I don't really know anything
Except you want me to do this
Why can't I just do this every day

Spend each day like this
Maybe I'd like life a lot more
I wouldn't be presented with
Screaming and self-induced bloody scratches
On arms and legs
And a mind that can't
Tell herself with words or actions
What she truly Wants
Or others, those that care for her
And the worst is that I can't comfort her
And in that way I am very
Alone and uncomforted
Oh Lord but in this moment I am
Comforted in your Love
And I know she is too
Even in her pain and discomfort

And his heart
Is bleeding out til there's no more
Emptiness
Closed off to love
And so abandoned
He can't even figure out
Who or what love is
He loves her but he is still
Bleeding, fighting, misunderstood
She is so busy and fleeting
Not able to think one way or the other
Because she so desperately wants
And needs love from a man
But a mangled and broken
Heart cannot lover her Even
If he says he does
These are two broken shattered people
And their pain is hard to bear

And I see it in her crystal
Shiny beautiful eyes
Tinted blue oceans
She really looks and will
never let me escape a room
Without those arms opening
And I see it her eyes
She is so broken
But the most incredible lover
I have ever seen
The way she loves is amazing
Yet how could she not love herself
She is longing for freedom
But somehow can't make a leap
She keeps going because Your love flows
out of her and
Her love makes me want to live

Their joy is deep but sometimes
Strained under
The wrinkles of hurt
The things that threaten to tear
Everything
Throw them in a puddle
A useless pool of water
But somehow life keeps going
And now a new year

Will it end the same?
Questions unanswered
A mom who keeps abusing
Awaking to another endles
Day of job searching
Barbing statements about your
Worthlessness
As a single person
As a jobless person
What society and family and even Christianity
can say about you
About your "condition"
Whether it's because you only
Have one hand
Or maybe because you have an actual illness
located in the DSM that is called
Major Depressive Disorder
OR maybe because you are just a "label-less" person
Who feels
Like a nobody

That's why I wish I could sit
Here
And just forget the world
Because no matter how much
Pain I bleed out
It doesn't seem to change anything
I will stay in your presence
As much as possible
Until You teach me how to
Live in this World.

Looking Back on '09

2010-01-04T09:44:00.004-06:00

Monday, January 4, 2010
"it's gonna be happy new year..."

2009 in retrospect..

1. what did you do this past year that you'd never done before?
was a bridesmaid in two weddings, taught inner city Kindergarteners, went to The Fray concert, drove with a friend down to El PAso, went on a 2-week long vacation with just my parents,

2. did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I try to make a daily commitment to things otherwise I just burn out. Each day, I try to live fully by taking care of myself, and demonstrating

3. did anyone close to you give birth?
no, not til this year

4. did anyone close to you die?
my uncle Tom was killed on his bicycle in May. We shared lots of fun memories, especially the last few years. Love you, Uncle Tom!

5. what countries did you visit?
Mexico! I visited my friend Becca in El Paso and we spent some time in Juarez, Mx where she works with children in a children's home!

6. what would you like to have this year that you lacked last year?
more patience and understanding for self and others, how to see myself as a beloved person, the way Christ sees me and a willingness to trust Him more than I ever have

7. what date from this year will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

8. what was your biggest achievement of the year?
graduating from DBT (dialectic behavior therapy), making it through a tough year of teaching, being more open to God's involvement in my life in the smallest things

9. what was your biggest failure?
not being renewed as a teacher at the school I was at (even though I was going to resign anyway), or getting recognized by principal (which was kind of impossible), not getting a teaching job

10. did you suffer illness or injury?
normal every day battle with depression and migraines once a month or so

11. what was the best thing you bought?
I didn't buy a lot.

12. whose behavior merited celebration?

13. whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

14. where did most of your money go?
paying off loans; food; gas; rent, the normal!

15. what did you get really, really, really excited about?
Umm...probably when two of my friends got pregnant!

16. what song will always remind you of this year:
Any of the Woodland Hills worship songs, especially "Lead me to the Cross," "At the Foot of the Cross," "Jesus Draw Me ever Nearer", "Still"--Reuben Morgan (Hillsong) "Shadowfeet" and "None but Jesus" by Brooke Fraser (Hillsong),"The More I Seek You"--by Karie Jobe

17. compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? Both in different ways, but I don't really like those terms

18. thinner or fatter? same

19. richer or poorer? I am richer in a lot of of non-monetary ways. God is teaching me to see people the way he sees them and that is a true gift. I have become a more open-minded and loving person (but also experienced more pain because of it, I think). This year has made me a richer person simply because I lived.

20. what do you wish you'd done more of?
Writing, volunteering or missions trips, traveling

21. what do you wish you'd done less of?
Complaining, obsessing, COMPARING MYSELF TO EVERYONE

22. how will you be spending your birthday? I don't know

23. how will you be spending the holidays? probably the norm, I don't know

24. did you fall in love this past year? with life a little more than last year

25. how many one-night stands? none

26. what was your favorite TV program? Law & Order: SVU, Everybody Loves Raymond, but I kind of stopped watching TV

27. do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
no

28. what was the best book you read? When Bad things Happen to Good People by Harold s. Kushner, PRacticing the PResence of God by Brother Lawerence, and Beautiful Boy by David Sheff (a memoir of a journalist's son's addiction to meth)

29. what was your greatest musical discovery? Brook Fraser of hillsong

30. what did you want and get? jobs

31. what did you want and not get? a FT teaching job (I don't know if I really wanted it, just wanted to say I got it, and also for security/benefit reasons)

32. what was your favorite film of this year?

33. what did you do on your last birthday, and how old were you?
25, nothign much celebrated with boyfriend and close friend

34. how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

35. what kept you sane? worship music (Woodland Hills and Hillsong), other favorite music and singing, close friends, WRITING and reading, crafting

36. which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

37. what political issue stirred you the most? probably economic difficulties after our church's sermon series called Compassion by Command

38. who was the best new person you met?

39. tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009: Be Still and know that I am God. Lately I have been bearing the pain of everyone around me. It's like an addiction. God is teaching me that I can't do that, to say it simply, or I may die (seriously)--like the pain is so great sometimes, I just feel like i can't live in this life. god and I talk and he tells me things like, "It's okay to just breathe. Rest against by chest and just breath. Be still. Know that I AM. I am God."

40. quote a song lyric that sums up your year: None but Jesus--brooke fraser

In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored

When You call I won’t refuse
Each new day again I’ll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion
I know You’re Sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will

When You call I won’t delay
This my song through all my days

All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord Forevermore

The More I Seek You--Kari Jobe
The more i seek you,
the more i find you
The more i find you, the more I love you

I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath, here your heart beat
This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming

Memory Jars

2009-12-30T10:32:00.010-06:00

I really enjoyed doing homemade gifts this year. I was so blessed in writing all these memories of my loved ones (three brothers, mom and dad) and creating a collage on the outside of a variety of jars. I also made tons of homemade cards and put them in sets for my girlfriends and sisters-in-law.

Dad got really teary

Greg reading some memories

Nate looking at his jar, and Kat with her homemade cards

Sarah Jane and her homemade cards

Yesterday's Mind

2009-12-26T21:19:00.003-06:00

I had to borrow this because it it describes very well how it is inside my mind. This man's blog has been helpful to me in my struggle with depression.

It was the kind of thing I might read about in a case history – safely distant, someone else's particular torture. But it wasn't remote; it had directly invaded my brain. That overpowering noise could distort every mental pattern, setting all perception loose from its mooring. The torrent of sounds and sights disorients each moment, leaving nothing firm to hold to, no shape I can recognize , only a din of color, motion, threateningly near, whips of sensation, each small pain magnified in intensity because each is experienced for the first time as part of a shriek-like collision. There is a flailing to organize, find pattern and order, the habit of the intentional mind, but nothing sticks, no memory holds, no meaning persists to render the assault of bulleting crashes ordinary, expectable, endurable. It is the constant stress of assault, defense, striking back, retreat. No escape, just a desperate running, and there is nowhere to run. ~John Folk-Williams

Success

2009-12-11T06:57:00.003-06:00

Just read an article called "How to Practice Safe Optimism" by Tamar Chamsky.Here's a link to the whole (really good) article. I could write a blog entry about each one she lists, but today I will just stick with one:

Strategy Five: Define success flexibly: Value process, not just product An optimist hopes for the best, but has realistic expectations. There isn't just one bull's eye of success and everything else is failure. This usually means girding ourselves for slow progress and defining success broadly. When we set unrealistic expectations we manufacture unnecessary disappointment that we then have to waste our precious energy overcoming--it's an additional hurdle which we don't need right now.

This reminds me of what I read in Never Good Enough (a book about perfectionism) and what I learned in DBT about black and white thinking. Currently I am working on "cognitive restructing." Due to my perfectionism, personality and other things, I tend to have really distorted expectations for myself.

Success has been defined in my mind in black and white terms. Such as, "Your teaching licensce was non-renewed. Failure." "You're single with no children at age 25. Failure." "You don't have a 'real' job. Failure." "No graduate degree. In fact, no idea what you want to do with your life. Double failure." I could keep going but this isn't helping things. SO I have to change these thoughts into degrees. Such as "You survived two years teaching inner city teaching. Success!" and "You will make a better wife and mother one day because of your committment to healing of self and waiting until you are older and wiser. Success!"

More on this later.

Crafty Times

2009-12-07T09:21:00.003-06:00

A lot can be done with the same rubber stamp! This "Sketch Flower Trio" from Hero Arts is one of my favs! These are among a bunch of cards created in one afternoon all with similar layouts.

I am so Sick of Trying so Hard

2009-12-01T13:30:00.002-06:00

More about this later but I will share the lyrics of a song that I like, that kind of talks about this waiting period I am in. I need to let Him be Who He is and realize this trying is just pushing me into a deepr feeling of insanity

The Altar and the Door
-Casting Crowns

Careless, I am reckless
I'm a wrong way traveling, slowly unraveling, shell of a man
Burn out, I'm so numb now
That the fire's just an ember way down in the corner, of my cold, cold heart

Lord this time, I'll make it right
Here at the altar I lay my life
You're kingdom come and my will was done
My heart is broken as I cry....

Like so many times before
I flood my eyes
I try before I leave the floor
Oh Lord I try...(I'll try)
but this time Jesus how can I be sure
I would not lose my follow through
between the altar and the door

Here at the altar
Oh my world so black and white
How could I ever falter
What you've show me to be right

Lord this time (Lord this time)
I'll make it right (make it right)
Here at the altar I lay my life
You're kingdom come, but my will was done
my heart is broken as I cry

Like so many times before
but my eyes, are dry before I leave the floor
Oh Lord I try... (I'll try)

but this time Jesus how can I be sure
I would not lose my follow through
between the altar and the door

I'm trying so hard, to stop trying so hard
just let you be who you are
Lord who You are in me

Not Me! Monday!

2009-11-30T13:26:00.006-06:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I did *not* text my boss and try to get out of a shift. Whoever heard of doing that these days?

I did *not* step on it just so I wouldn't get passed in the left lane because I just love it when people don't give you the opportunity to get over and go crazy mad if you don't change lanes IMMEDIATELY.

I did *not* go 100 texts over on my parents and my family plan. Because I am one to actually hold a conversation with people. Why do people text anyway?

I did *not* pack my lunch for today, dinner for tonight, prepare my coffee for tomorrow, and pack my lunch for tomorrow all by 1:00 p.m. today. Because I am not a planner or overachiever and I just like to fly by the seat of my pants.

I did *not* help my dad get the Christmas tree down off the top of the garage using a rake to push it and slide it, neither did I whine and complain that my neck was hurting when he was the one who has chronic pain and the 150 lb tree was falling directly on top of him.

I did *not* spend 3 hours choosing, saving, and trying to position pictures on a page to print for the Christmas presents I am working on. Because of course I am NOT a perfectionist and I don't waste time on such things.

I did *not* refuse to help my mom decorate her Christmas tree (the one that I didn't help get down). Because I love being nostalgic and Christmasy and would never refuse to spend time with my dear mother who lives 200 miles away.

Life

2009-11-21T10:42:00.007-06:00

Last night I went with my friend Oscar to Bodies:The Exhibition at Mall of America...I was a little bit aware of what I would experience. But right now... I am struggling with words to explain the depth of these thoughts. For someone who gets overwhelmed easily, this exhibition was a big step but I know how to pace myself. I can't really explain what it is that I experienced, so you'll have to go for yourself.

I just cannot believe the intricacies of our bodies. How all of these bones, ligaments, organs, etc. all fit so neatly. They all have their place and function to make us the most incredible creatures on earth. On top of that there are hundreds of miles of arteries and nerves. One of my favorite displays (couldn't find pics of it) was an entire body of just the spinal cord connected to all the nerves from head to toe. It's so hard to explain. How does all this fit inside us??? There was another that was just the arteries. If all of our blood vessels were connected end to end they would extend 62,000 miles or 2 1/2 times around the earth. Plus there's the small and large intestines which are 7 feet and 5 feet long, repectively if stretched out. We are truly amaaaazing miracles. There are no words in any language to describe how beautifully creative God is.

This was truly a remarkable experience. The fetus room was especially beautiful but unfortunately we ran out of time to stay too long in it. I could see how big the fetus was at different stages (one for each of my friends who are pregnant-practically!) HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? IT is truly a remarkable gift. I am even more in awe of the beauty of God and his creation--each of us (including myself). How could anyone consider throwing away such a precious gift? (Take that whatever way you want.)

Even now I am frustrated and exhausted at my lack of words for how awestruck I am. Thank you God for my life and the lives of each amazing person you've created.

Us

2009-11-16T11:27:00.005-06:00

So many aching hearts

Racing minds

Souls ripped by a hunger

That seems to never be filled

Questions

Have I been forsaken?

Doubts

Life is just too hard.

Tears

Fall Within

And Out

I see and feel the pain

Of so many

And my eyes burn

With an intense

Compassion

Zealousness

For justice

For hope that's real

Not just a dream

Each face has a Name

And each Name is

Written in your Book

And yet as you see

Each Sparrow Fall

You let each of Your precious

Children Fall

Questioning

Scavenging

My tears won't end

Because my heart

Is breaking for So Many

But yet what's this

Feeling I have alongside

Intense Sorrow?

It's beauty

It's beauty of these

Exquisite Souls

I see them, I try to see them

As Yours

And I love them

But unlike you

I don't know what to do

So I wait

I hope alongside them

Cry with them

And fear each crack

In their hearts grows

Larger

Until nothing is left

Nothing is left

Except Us.

That's why

You've given me this

Indescribable gift

To hurt for the hurting

Because maybe

Your love has become

More real to me

in these Trying Times

And today I pray

to Your Spirit

To walk with Us

To carry our agonies

Our doubts

Questions

Our jumbled up

Nothingness

That sometimes comes

Out as tears

Or as blank stares

Or as empty smiles

Carry them with your

Wordless Groanings

To Heaven

Because we are Done

And the pain is too Much

But You've given Us

Each Other.

Disappearing Objects

2009-11-15T10:10:00.004-06:00

I wanted to post some pictures of what I've been up to in the crafty area...but alas let's add another thing to my list of disappearing objects: my connector cord for my camera (so I have no way of uploading the pics :( )

Let's see, some things on my mind, which may be the reason for my spaciness:

1) to date or not to date. Can't I enjoy my single life without feeling the pressure of "finding someone?"

2) How do you know if you've crossed the line into "New Age" thinking? Just because someone's thinking is different, are they New Age? What is New Age? Why do Christians have such a hard time with things that are "different?"

3) Why does God grant "miracles" to some and not to others? I've been struggling with this Scripture: " 'I will have mercy on wehom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.' It does not therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy." Romans 9:15-16

4) Should I look for a full time job just for the pay and benefits or should I just continue my crazy all-over-the place work life, with not a ton of security, living from paycheck to paycheck. (neither of which make me really happy? What I really want to do? Learn--go back to school! But who's going to pay for it?

5) Will I ever realize that there's no real way to "do" life, so why do I keep comparing myself to everyone and everything that ever lived or breathed? Save me from this bondage!

Depression Free--Hallelujah! (Even if it is just ONE DAY)!

2009-11-11T20:06:00.005-06:00

I don't even know if anyone reads my blog but I must share with the world...even one or two people of my great day! If you have read anything of mind lately (trust me, there's a lot more things that I didn't post that were a lot more depressing) or you know me in person, I have been struggling with a bout of depression. I have-in clinical terms-major depressive disorder or in layman's terms "depression" and have struggled for almost ten years. I could go into a whole long thing about this struggle where I believe it came from, blah blah blah. BUT

I want to focus on my good day.

You may think something exciting happened or I heard some good news. Like maybe world hunger is going down. Or that my dad's pain magically disappeared. Or that my brother Tim decided to move back from Germany (I know, I am happy for him, but miss him terribly). Or that I found the man of my dreams. Or that I have my financial situation under control. Or that I finally know what my life calling is.

Nope. It was just a normal day. The only thing I did differently was I took a Women's Multi-vitamin, which includes lots of things I've discovered I need enough of like Vitamin B6 and B12, Iron, and some other things and Omega 6. I did my normal amount of caffeine, normal amount of including God in my day-okay could have done a little better with that-, normal breakfast, normal amount of sleep. I even had a difficult subbing job. I went...and I just felt GREAT. (I will say my depression is exacerbated by physical symptoms and my physical symptoms exacerbate my depression. And as of late, this has been utter fatigue at sudden, random times, like I will literally feel drugged and have to leave an event to go to bed--unless I'm working, of course.) Anyway, I had an amazing amount of energy--not anxious energy from caffeine, in which my already scattered brain goes a trillion miles an hour then BOOM I crash into a comatose-like state. But no. I stayed positive and energetic. I genuinely LIKED myself. It was the best feeling in the world and I can't thank God enough for this simply beautiful day.

After work, I took a walk on some trails at a nearby park. Then helped my roommates clean up the yard. I could really feel the endorphins flowing out freely. I enjoyed a delicious leftover meal I made yesterday--chicken fettucini. IT was amAAAzing may I be so bold to say. Then to top it off, Theresa reset our wireless router, so I NOW have internet on my very own computer (I have been patiently waiting for weeks to get it figured out!)

THANK YOU GOD! I will hope for another wonderfully simple and beautiful day tomorrow. Even one such moment that I experienced today would be an incredible gift. (And I will try not to think about the mice I hear in the walls :( )

Free for the Moment

2009-11-09T09:51:00.003-06:00

I've been enjoying a bit of freedom
From an uncontrollable power
That seems to bind me at the most random times
Where tears fall so often
It seems I should be crying
When my eyes are dry

I am sitting in a state of mind not too unfamiliar
A little separated from what is going on
But the sun shining in
Reminds me of hope
And faithfulness
Deliverance
From all these problems
The suffering of so many is not in my hands

I can only look to Him
And Him only
As I-not trudge-but triumphantly
Walk from one moment to the next
In a complex, confusing
But utterly beautiful, engaging, stunning world.

Smile

2009-11-08T10:29:00.004-06:00

I have a smile on my face because of two wonderfully delightful emails from this guy, a very special person in my life. He is over in Aachan, Germany right now but I get to see him in about six weeks! He is my dear little bro Timothy. Every day I try and remember to thank God for him and his life because not too long ago we almost lost it. Thanks be to God for his mercy and mind-bending power. I thank God for the friendship I share with Tim even across the miles.

Originally I was going to write about depression, but I guess that will have to wait til a different post! I am going to keep this all around positive! Love you bro.

New Battleground

2009-10-28T09:51:00.004-05:00

"Give ear to my words, O LORD,
consider my sighing,
Listen to my cry for help,
my King and my God
For to you I pray
In the morning, O LORD,
you hear my voice
In the morning I lay my requests
before you
and wait in expectation."
Psalm 5:1-3

LORD, help!
My heart is heavy
Mind all boggled with
Endless thoughts, ideas, aspirations, fears
I am so heavy laden.
I feel so bursting full

I do see beauty more than I ever have before
But I feel I've never been more
Overwhelmed
By thoughts, opinions,
That encourage, break down, accuse, question
Harrass, excite, enlighten, enrage, calm...

I can't get away from my racing brain
Just exacerbates any physical ailment
I have
And seems to be both the cause and
Result of my
Jumbling emotions.
I've always had anxiety-but never before-like this
The good turned bad
All these thoughts have gotten me
Excited passionate about things
But at the same time I feel
Eaten alive by scorpions
Stuck in a box with little air
They're crawling everywhere
I'm suffocating in my good ideas (and bad)
Because I don't know what to do
With them all

There is so much pain in the world
I feel lately I've tried to take it all on
I've been not only passionate to stop it but
Totally incapacitated because of my
Utter bewilderment as to what to do
And the realization of my total
Inability to make a difference

When my depression was severe
I could fully feel my own sorrow
And when presented with others' suffering
My choices were
To totally deny it
Or to add their pain to my badge of suffering
Therefore deepening my already gapened wounds
And rendering me even more pitiful
And helpless

Now, a new increasingly whole person,
I recognize the danger in
Suffering without action
But yet I am so weak
Daily presented with stats of rises in Swine Flu deaths
And percentages of those starving across the world

I refuse to let this news
Stick itself to my consciousness
And plague me with unwarranted
Selfishness and guilt
My heart has now flopped to my stomach
And I am raging inside
At injustice

Wondering why I am sitting
Inside a nice warm house
Belly full, hot coffee next to me
On my way to a well-paying job
And, I try to remember
To thank you,
But I am so dry.

Lord, hear my plea for freedom
I'll never go back to where I was
but I've entered a new Battleground

God Does Not Intend for Us to Suffer

2009-10-25T09:43:00.004-05:00

I have been reading this blog of a family with a child with Down's Syndrome and on one post she asked the question to her readers,

If there was a way to take away the extra chromosome away from your child and make them "typical" would you do it?

And why?

At least a dozen people responded and I was struck with the variety of answers. Many said, "no" they couldn't imagine their child a different way, and mentioned the joy he or she had brought in their life. Some who answered no in this way admitted they were being selfish, which I admired. A few answered, "yes" in a heart beat because of the pain and struggles their child had gone through. Of all the answers this one really aggravated me:

"For me this is an easy one! I would not take away Erin's extra 21st anymore than I would take away any other genetic trait that she has, as that is a piece of her that God created. I trust He knows what He is doing . I would also not wish for my other kids to have T21 because that is not what God intended for them. I want what God wants. Over the past 22 months, my hubby and I have felt incredibly blessed to have our little Erin, as we believe she is a gift not only for us but for the world. Yes, our kids are hidden treasures! We sure have grown to love that little something extra!"

Okay, while I do believe God created this beautiful person and in his eyes she is perfect, the fact that this parent thinks God intended for her to have this disability is appalling. I would have agreed with this person (with some reservations) before I read the book When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harold S. Kushner, but now I can see that God INTENDED for no pain or suffering for any of us. And to say "I want what God wants" is great, but does he WANT this little one to suffer with Down's? When he created her did he think, I want her to suffer. As Kushner says in his book, does God go around joyfully doling out depression, cancer, or MS diagnoses. Hell, no! Because as much as we gain from children with Down's aren't we being selfish and heartless to say "If I were to give son/daughter with Down's freedom, I would choose not to." Here is another post where I have similar thoughts.

I don't know because I have often thought of that with my depression, would I want to be TOTALLY free? My depression is NOT me but it is a PART of me. It has truly influenced every ounce of my being and brought me to an incredible understanding of people and life and faith. So, maybe God did intend me to have it; or could we say, he forsaw (is this a word) my life with depression and my life without...and then did he just choose to allow the former. Anyway, I guess, in essence, I am torn because I understand people who say "My ____ (insert, cancer, e.g.) is the best thing that ever happened to me" but then I still don't believe God wanted them to be struck with it...More on this later.

Crazy Night at Work

2009-10-22T07:57:00.005-05:00

Last night I felt very accomplished during a crazy night at the group home. One man began getting sick and was soon vomitting on and off for like 2 hours. In between wiping his face, rubbing his back and taking his temp I was running back and forth calling the nurse, who, upon discovering he had a fever, said we needed to put the H1N1 protocol in place. That required me to call the supervisor who came up and made me sign this paper that said I would wear a mask within 6 feet of the man among other things. Anyway, it was a bit insane because the 2nd staff was in the bathroom with another resident, a 3rd resident was hollering via his Dynavox (he is non verbal so he types with his head on this machine) that he needed something, and the 4th man, well, he was getting neglected. Luckily, we had a 3rd staff but she was out shopping. She comes home to the puking and everyone running around. Then my supervisor was there too. I was like, Oh great. I am probably infecting everything. So in between gags and pukes and writing in his book, taking vitals, and doing dishes, I was sanitizing the entire house. By that time, the other two staff had cleaned up dinner and gotten the other guys to bed. A 2nd resident was also beginning to show symptoms. So...

I feel pretty accomplished after that shift because I was able to hold it together while having worked 15 plus hours (I had sub taught that morning) and as I am not good with puke. My supervisor said make sure to go home and throw everything in the wash. (Which I typically do after each shift anyway!) The over night staff had to follow up on the sick man...but luckily between all of us, I was still able to leave at 10 pm.

Today I go to my PCA job. I had called the family and informed them that I may have been exposed to the H1N1 but could I still come to work. And my client's mom said that was fine, but the brother had been sick too...Anyway, I am ready for a nice relaxing day...And feeling fine, so far. Just tired.

Tumid Mind

2009-10-20T06:45:00.004-05:00

I went to thesaurus.com and found a lot of synonyms for the word "packed." So here are some good words/phrases to describe my mind:

awash, brimful, brimming, bundled, chock, chock-full, compact, compressed, congested, consigned, crammed, crowded filled, full to the gills, jam-packed, jammed, loaded mobbed, overflowing, overloaded, serried, stuffed, swarming, to the roof, tumid.

I especially liked "tumid" whose synonyms are

bloated, bombastic, distended, enlarged, inflated, overblown, pompous, protuberant, puffy, swollen, tumescent, turgid.

I do thank God for my swollen mind because it's beautiful and complex and never-ending. Sometimes it just plain sucks. More about that later. My therapist has suggested finding a box and writing down each thought on a slip of paper, putting it in the box as a literal way of "putting the thought aside." Then I would take one piece of paper out at a time to worry/think about for that particular period of time. So maybe I will try that. I could list each of my thoughts on here, too, but then this blog would be too long and it is already quite lengthy.

My Amazing Family

2009-10-18T13:09:00.003-05:00

One of the many things on my mind. I just finished this book yesterday. It was not the most amazing eye-opening thing I've ever read but brought a lot of things to my mind, including the realization that I have an amazing family, wonderful brothers, for who I am so thankful! My three brothers are all over the country and world right now, so this makes a continuing relationship quite challenging. My oldest brother Nate is in Bend, OR; Greg and his wife Sarah live in Corpus Christi, Texas; and my younger bro Tim is completing a master's program in engineering in Aachan, Germany. Less than three years ago, we all lived within a few miles of each other in the Twin Cities area and got together a few times a month.

Being someone who doesn't adjust to change well, these transitions have been rough, but overall I look back and am so proud of each of my siblings, what they have contributed to my life and seek to build a stronger relationship with each one, as well as my sister-in-law. As a family we have seen intense triumphs and struggles these last three years, including my dad's illness and surgery, Tim's life-threatening accident, graduations from college (me), Seminary (Nate) and banking school (Dad), job struggles and changes for ALL of us, Dad's car accident, the recent deaths of our beloved grandma and uncle, the additions and subtractions of significant others, and so much more...

We have gone through so much and many of us are still in so much emotional and physical pain. But I am in awe of the amazing family I have and how we stronger because of all these struggles and successes; mostly how God has been there through it all.

I have been in WI visiting my parents these last two days and have mostly spent time with my dad because my mom's been at work visiting hospice patients. Yesterday, I had the pleasure of helping him move brush and carry boxes (of Tim's that we put into storage). He is still in lots of pain from his bad car accident a year ago, so small amounts of lifting can trigger extreme pain. It's hard for me to know what to do or say, so I guess I just have to be. Anyway, his attitude helps and strengthens me to focus on God's goodness, on forgiveness and looking ahead, not back, on ... hope.

Well, this isn't even what I was going to write about, but I will leave it at that for now!

Subbing

2009-10-13T05:49:00.005-05:00

I am sitting here at 5:50 on a chilly October morning waiting for the phone to ring to offer me a subbing job. I am getting the hang of this subbing thing. I usually obsessively check by calling the three numbers, the Kelly Staffing number which offers me the best hope since there are about 5 school districts I could get a job with. Then there is Mounds View and Forest Lake, which I am independently a sub for but so far have not subbed as no jobs are ever available. It's literally a meat market. If I ever miss a phone call, I pretty much don't get the job as it is already taken; hence my obsessive calling. But if I don't end up working today that's okay since I worked 24 hours over the weekend!

I have really enjoyed substitute teaching. I have gotten a feel for what it might be like to teach high school for example. As one counselor at Spring Lake Park High School put it high schoolers are just "big little kids." And they are. But not really. They can do a whole lot more than Kindergartners, so that's why when I am really tired I prefer subbing for high school (11th or 12th) because they are so self-directed. But then again it could get boring so that's why Elementary is always good to switch things up.

My most amazing experience came last week when I somehow got ahold of a 2-day job at Wildwood Elementary in Mahtomedi. I was able to sub for the same first grade class for 2 days and had an amazing time! The main reason it was awesome is because the staff were so encouraging, helpful and kind. It is a K-2 school with about 8 sections of each grade, so still a pretty large elementary school! Anyway, the teacher's plans were quite detailed (always an amazing plus!) and the kids were quite well-behaved, according to me who is used to yelling, screaming, throwing chairs and tables, and physical fights (this was Kinder in inner city St. Paul). But anyway, all you have to do is say "Give me 5" and the entire class of 24 first graders will put their hands up and be totally quiet. It's amazing. Of course, they were a little crazy because they are 6 and 7-years-old so I used some songs and games I knew, and overall had everything under control. Mostly it was FUN and I had energy to enjoy myself!

The thing is, tons of staff complimented me on how good of a sub I was, and I felt like I hardly did anything...Anyway more on that later. This is too long! Well, maybe I will have a day off today!

My Life

2009-10-08T06:59:00.003-05:00

I am looking at a moldy tomato that I got (among other healthy) ones from my friend Josh. It's sitting on the table amongst a variety of fruits and vegetables, onions, sweet potato, apples, pears.

"These are warnings signs if the flu is severe...that you need to get your child to the hospital." The radio DJ says in the background.

My mind is throwing around all these colors and textures and words and sounds. And I look back on my week. Full of excitement, praise, hope, and the possibility of explosion.

The sun that came out yesterday was amazing...I even got out to go on a walk with my roommate, Theresa. We talked about our early babysitting experiences.

While I sit here, everyone I know is going through some sort of life transition or grief period. And I am praising God. Is that selfish?

I have gotten a job every day this week (either with the group home job or sub teaching) and have really enjoyed it despite my exhaustion and on-and-off headaches. After teaching first grade today, I will drive over to my old group home where I worked for three years and do a short shift there. I am so excited to see everyone again but it's going to be a crazy long work day. Then tomorrow I may or may not pick up a sub teaching job. And on Sat I work 16 hours at the regular group home and Sun 8 hours. I love God's provisions but hopefully I am not overdoing it.

I am really trying to be intentional about everything that's happening to me, take nothing for granted. While constantly praying for my friends/family who are struggling (who isn't?) I won't believe the lie that God should "spend less time with me and go to them who need him more." He has been my closest and Ever Presence these past few days and weeks. The only thing I am doing differently is simply inviting him in to the smallest tasks and thoughts. He truly does care, as I have learned. I tell Him all about these people that I love and care about, admitting that I CAN'T change their situation. He has really given me purpose, life and hope when I feel I least deserve it...

Anyway, yes a very random post.

My Foundation

2009-10-01T07:43:00.004-05:00

Life is a puzzle and each day...
A new gift
I am astounded at
How the world has changed
My very source of stability
Seems to have slipped
Like a gripless shoe on solid ice

I am reminded again
Of Trust
And Hope
So deep that your
Fingers are bleeding from all the
Effort of holding on
And the Knowledge
That there is only one Truth
To depend on another person
Or ideal can put an end to
Your sanity

I am aching for people
I love dearly
And those Who I don't yet know
I know I may seem close-minded to some
That my tried and true methods
Might seem rigid to Emergents
But I am one who lives and loves
Because of my experiences
The BitterSweetness the Savior
Has given to me
and the Love I can share because of
His Saving my Life
This priceless gift.

A Fun Weekend Getaway with Friends

2009-09-29T08:47:00.001-05:00

Splitrock Lighthouse Nat'l Park in Two Harbors, MN

Can I Let Myself Enjoy Life?

2009-09-24T08:00:00.004-05:00

A peak into my personal journal--from 9-22-09

Dear God,

I can't thank you enough for what's been going on. I could analyze it (OK truth be told, I already have: Let's see, am I content because of hormones, my transmitters are balanced, out of my own strength, my will to just "think positively", You rewarding me for ???, or any other number of reasons.) God, I don't know why I'm feeling okay, well, I guess, because of the many things I've accomplished: moving out, cleaning my old place, taking care of myself financially, trying to do the right thing with Matt, doing well at my new jobs, etc. But why is it that all these good things have to happen for me to be okay, dare I say, happy, joyful???? And what about when I feel intense pain, desperation for no rational reason. And what about when I feel "joyful" when I have great reason to be distressed? LORD, these feelings are so confusing; I just want to be stable and not have to question everything: motives, body chemistry, amount of faith, etc. LORD, when nothing makes sense, I'm glad to know that it's in Your hands and makes sense to You! Lord, I am happy and I want to embrace it, want to celebrate, what's wrong with getting excited?? It's the fears, lies that creep in, telling me I'm supposed to be miserable...WHAT?? I don't understand how I can believe that but it's a struggle I've dealt with as long as I can remember!! Fear of, well if I'm having fun, maybe I'm not working (i.e. today) and I'm not working, well, then I'm lazy. And I feel guilty as well. I'm using the government, which includes people way less off than me. I feel incompetent..." Yeah then it continues. Just because I applied for one week of unemployment doesn't mean I'm lazy; I still worked just not FT and this week I will have worked approx. 30 hours!! (between 3 jobs) Thank you God!

Dumping Ground

2009-09-17T18:10:00.004-05:00

Can feelings tell you any sort of truth? Because for all I know they are not a gift but a steaming sword aimed for your heart, right from the evil one. Because even when I am feeling the good ones, I know they won’t last. Because they will just get demolished by the ones that eat and rip out my insides, make my mind boil in agony and my skin crawl in irrational sweat. So unhuman. I feel this for even seconds and know I am in trouble if I feed into this feeling. They continually attack me, but I guess it’s not the feeling as much as the thought that started it all. Or is it the feeling first? And which is evil, if not all, or is it I that is evil? I cannot stop because I am a mack truck spiraling down an incline and a tornado burrowing over those I care about the most flipping them over, drowning them in the undertow. And yet, I am me. And I feel these feelings to be me. But not all the time.

Inside where no one can see, I see my self. The self I hate and know is not my real self. But I sometimes glimpse the real person I am and want to be. But the dark and eery creatures eat the real me alive and I am screaming, yelping to not drown under their cackling bodies. I literally call out “Jesus” but I must not be doing it right because they just come right back. Again and again when I least want them there. When my relationships just begin to mend and I feel like I once again have a purpose. I am burned and all I can see is that it was me.

But I want to celebrate this moment of peace I have been given. I don’t know why Satan chooses to come at one time and not another. Or is it because I am stronger now? I don’t think so. Is it because my chemicals are more balanced? Probably, but that might have nothing to do with the fact that I took my medication. All I know is I can’t see past this wretchedness. I can just see a whirlwind cycle. Up, down, pow, bam-bam-bam, circling, sniping, swimming back, forth. Then up, down, pow. All over again. And your mind is telling you you have to do something about it. But all you can do is slump over with a sigh because trying has just led to failure, again and again and again. And the Church is saying we don’t have to defeat Satan because he’s already been defeated on the Cross. Blah, blah, blah. What does that mean? What do I DO? How much is spiritual and biological or should I just assume it’s biological because the spiritual has turned it that way?

Am I eternally flawed? Is God looking down on me asking, ‘When will you get it?’” I really hope I get it soon. The God I know and love wouldn’t say that, but why would he really want us to be this desperate, hopeless and confused. I feel like I seek him, ask him for help so much he is probably so tired…and like, "Okay. I’ve already told you the answer. Are you really listening?!” Or does he say, “Just hang on. Just a little longer. The pain won’t last too much longer. You’ll only fail this many more times.” I am so damn tired of hanging on, God! I want it to be real and better. And I want to know my feelings as something more that just fleeting seeds flitting about by each breath of wind, knocking the air out of you as they pass by. I want to know hope and freedom. And not just today; but forever. Some people may say it's a choice. I would like to believe it too. Wouldn't I have chosen it by now?

I am Moving

2009-09-15T09:14:00.004-05:00

I will be moving this Saturday. For the first time since the day has been drawing nearer, I have been allowing myself to get excited, rather than dread it. I am the kind of person who has really enjoyed living alone. I don't get lonely often. I like coming home, knowing everything is just how I left it. No dishes left around with dried ketchup on them. No unknown people at my house to freak me out. No tiptoeing into the kitchen and bringing my coffee grinder into the bathroom so as not to wake my sleeping roommates. No unwanted catfights. I can leave my dishes in the sink as long as I want. I can clean how I want, organize the fridge and dishwasher as I want, and best of all, I can choose when I want to be around people. I always know I can go home and be alone...just the way I like it.

But I will be moving in with two people. My close friend Theresa has a house she bought a few months ago. She lives with Jen, who I am still getting to know. Theresa's probably the closest friend I've had in a long time, so the fact that I'll be living with her freaks me out just a bit. I have had my share of heartache living with best friends.

But as the day draws nearer, I am thinking of...get this...the positives of this situation! I'm thinking of how I'll arrange my small bedroom (I have been spoiled with my large one in this apt). Mostly...how I will be getting away from here, a place that I love because it represents my independence, besides my and Matt's love of the hot tub (and pool), and because of the vast array of beautiful (albeit annoying) people of all ages and races. But I will be moving a little further away from the city, in a neighborhood where there's not constant horns beeping, car alarms scaring me out of my wits, radios blaring, kids screaming, dogs barking, or construction machinery howling. Where drunk people don't accidentally try to come in (and if they do, at least I won't be all by myself!)

Mostly, my moving means growth for myself, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, interpersonally. I can work on my skills of interpersonal effectiveness from DBT. As I said I have struggled in the past with girlfriends/roommates. Who hasn't? I worry about conflict because I hate it and tend to avoid it; that's why I have to create situations in which to practice these skills. I am worried about my and Theresa's first "fight." But all close friends have them, or do they? Maybe I mean more, our first disagreement. But the great thing about Theresa is she has demonstrated unconditional acceptance of me. She is one of those people I don't have to worry about offending and to whom I can tell anything. Not only that; it is not a one-sided relationship. She also comes to me, asking my opinion or sometimes just for an ear to listen. So...while praising God for this friendship, I also ask myself, will I mess up? Will it get ruined while living together (as past experiences have shown)? But I won't focus on that now.

I started off positively; I'll end positively: I can't wait to see where God will take me on this next leg of my journey! Now off to continue packing...

A Poem I Wrote

2009-09-11T08:49:00.003-05:00

Here's a poem I wrote in High School.

Tuesday the Eleventh of September
A Poem of Remembrance
By Brittany R. Bettger
Written 9/16/01

Tuesday, the eleventh of September,
A horrific day that we’ll always remember.
Who knew this could happen?
Who could foretell?
As the towers collapsed
And the pentagon fell,
The words of our president rang in our heads like a bell:
“Whoever was behind this tragic attack
Will not succeed in this cowardly act.”

We’d never thought that our perfect lives in America could change.
It was evident afterwards that, yes, our lives would change
After seeing people crying amidst billows of smoke and debris,
Coming from the state that has always represented our liberty.

We grieve with the victims' families during this mournful hour.
A time when we feel our nation is slipping from its strength and its power.
It is hard to imagine their grief and their pain,
But something from their sensitive words, we can gain.
At a time of panic, calamity, and strife,
We are struck with the realization of what’s important in life.
The people we love may not be here for long, so please don’t wait
To tell them how much they mean to you or it might be too late.

After this day, it will be inevitably true:
We will question our safety and our freedom too.
How do we overcome such an event?
Will we ever live our lives the same again?
How do we get away from the hurt we feel?
Is it wrong to have fun again or to eat a nice meal
When others are dying, or lost or hurt?
Should we continue life as it was or constantly remain on high alert?

These questions we hope will be answered soon.
May we never forget those whose lives were ruined.
And as this gaping hole in our hearts once again becomes restored,
May this solemn and tragic day never be ignored.

We might never know what the future holds.
But right now is a time to pray and be bold.
Never forget what it means to be free,
To live in a place of joy and liberty.
Value the things you have and let loose the things you don’t need.
Know your friends and pray for your enemies.
Most of all, trust in the hope that our Lord will somehow make us see
That America will one day be all that it used to be.

Labels

2009-09-08T11:18:00.004-05:00

Labels have always been a big part of my life because they have given me worth. Sad, but true. In each stage of our life, we have been given labels. It started with the family labels: daughter, sister, granddaughter, cousin, neice. Also, as long as I can remember, I was a "Christian." In school I was a "musician" and "good student." Those were usually positive labels but came with their own stigmas. Within myself, I was a "worrier" and a "perfectionist." Enter mental illness. (Well, some don't believe depression to be a mental illness, but regardless...) Starting as a late teenager, I knew myself as a "depression sufferer." Into college, along with the depression stigma, I gave myself a lot of other names, a lot of them having to do with Christianity and depression. The funny thing was the expectations I had for myself as a "Christian" and "depression sufferer" didn't seem to overlap often. I would get quite frustrated that I couldn't work my way out of my thinking boxes.

In college, I had new labels: "sister-in-law," "girlfriend", "youth leader," "professional", and "teacher". I dreamed of others: "aunt," "wife," "mom," ("stay-at-home-mom"), "college graduate" and "depression-survivor." When some of my "dreams" didn't come to be, I felt like a failure. I overlooked the fact that I was indeed a college graduate, a practicing teacher, a growing Christian, loving friend and thriving in the aftermath of a wretched illness. Instead I focused on what I was not.

Today, in my personal journal, I reflected not just on my changing labels, but those of people in my life. A few of my friends and my cousin are going to be moms, some have become teachers or missionaries. As a college-graduate, the number one question I get asked is (after they find out that yes, I have graduated), "What do you do?" I used to always say, "I am a Kindergarten teacher." But even then, I wasn't too proud. But at least it was something. Now I don't know what to say. I guess I could say a "teacher in transition." Because of a new job, I have acquired a label of PCA (personal care attendant). But PCAs aren't real jobs. They're transition jobs, usually people do them while they look for their real job, what they went to school for. I am not saying I look down on what I do; I am just saying, this is what society says.

I am learning to hate labels. Maybe some are inevitable such as a job title or the fact that I am a Christian. (That is, I am a "follower of Christ"--the literal meaning of the word, but I don't always like to associate with Christians). Some labels I am working on changing or "reframing." Maybe all that takes is to tell myself, "I am healing from depression, but I am not my depression. And not all the decisions in my life have to revolve around this."

Then there's the lack of labels, the ones I'd always wished I'd have by now at age 25: "wife" and "mom." This, I admit has been a struggle as I weekly hear of marriages, pregnancies and births of my friends/family members. (While I truly am happy for them, the Devil likes to come in and lure me away from happiness and towards myself with his lies.) The truth is, my worth is NOT dependent on my marital status. Yeah, yeah, it's so easy to say but I have to cling to this, looking back at all the wonderful things I have been given and saved from. I used to think "I don't want Jesus to come back before I have gotten married and have had children." I have grown so much since then! Life is not about your role in life. I am so selfish to think I deserve to be married and have kids, or whatever. I don't believe Christ wants me to suffer as I wait, rather he joins me in my suffering. If I grow closer to him because of this wait, then that will be a much greater gift then any other. Because of his mercy and clarity in my life, I am happy to say that I am comfortable being single (unmarried) much of the time.

While I still have dreams, I try not to let the labels that come with these dreams define who I am. I end up only more scarred and empty. The only label I now want is "daughter of the King."

Mental Illness and Christianity

2009-09-02T10:31:00.005-05:00

I came across a blog, http://evangelicalinthewilderness.blogspot.com/ that shares my view on mental illness. I thought I would share a little snippet. I have lots of thoughts on this, of course... But I will leave you to your own for now.

If our thoughts, feelings, attitudes, fears and behavior are simply controlled by our moral choice, then, one would assume that if you have obvious mental illness it is sin because you have chosen to think badly.

Evangelicals love this paradigm, especially if their mental health issues are easy to hide. The reason is, they can look as someone suffering from, say depression (and they don’t have depression), and feel better about themselves. They like to think that they don’t have depression because they have more faith, pray more and etc. On the other hand, the one who does have the problem starts to feel more and more guilt because they too start to believe that their mental illness is simply a result of their bad choices.

One of the biggest movements in Evangelical psychology was Nouthetic Counseling. Basically the word Nouthetic means a type of confrontation. You confront the mentally ill person and get them to repent (or cast out the demon) and presto, they get better. In my personal opinion, and I was a great advocate for this movement for a couple of decades, is that it is pure bullshit. It has done a lot of damage to people whom god loves and gave his son for.

But in reality, mental health issues are based in the organic, concrete, brain. Even if the mental illness, such as PTSD, is a function of nurture . . . it becomes nature because the physical brain actually changes under the influence of extreme stress. I won’t go into that here.

So a better paradigm is realizing that these so-called invisible or spiritual attributes are founded in the physical (the incredible brain which God has made) then the approach has to be different. It is different because some disorders, just like a congenital heart defect or lameness won’t magically go away with a simple cure. So, baring a supernatural miracle, on the order of raising a stone-cold, decaying body from the dead, a schizophrenic will never be cured.But mental illness can get better and can, in most situations, be controlled. But it is more like redirecting a glacier than fanning steam. It is hard work. It takes a huge amount of energy and support and yes . . . often it requires medications.

The “steppers,” like Bill Gothard, are also a disservice to those who suffer from real mental illness. He has 5 steps to perfect everything. So, in his opinion, if you jump through hoops x, y and z your depression will be gone. So, in real life, when your depression does not get better then you have a choice of looking like a failure, or push your mental illness underground.

So in summary, while mental illness is a product of the fall, there is a very good chance that it has nothing to do with its victims’ moral choices. No one hates their mental illness more than those who suffer from them. There is not an infinite amount of disciplines that they would not do, steps that they would not take, to rid themselves of the disorder once and for all.

My Schedule

2009-09-01T12:15:00.005-05:00

Matt and I are doing a lot better, thanks be to God. Saturday was a fun day. I went to the house of his friends from our church (who I am just getting to know), Doug, Colleen and their three daughters. Matt was there working on a bookshelf with Doug. I talked with Colleen, then played some piano and had lunch with Matt and their family. Then I drove through crazy state-fair and construction traffic to meet with the dad of the family for who I will be PCA-ing. (Personal Care Attending) and turn in the paperwork--I am hired through Lifeworks, a company helping those with disabilities. I will be working with their daughter on Thursdays and some weekends. So I got everything squared away, and look forward to that. I have met their 21-year-old daughter and really like her. Later I wasn't feel well, so I had to miss a party that night and church on Sunday.

On Sunday I completed my first shadow shift at the group home. I met the four men with whom I will be working. Three of the four men have CP (cerebral palsy) and another man has a Parkinson's-like condition. Since I have worked with this company before, I kept thinking of things maybe I "should" be doing. It was hard to relax, but I just kept trying to force myself. The men are great and put lots of smiles on my face! It will be quite different as 3 of the 4 men are verbal and the last group home I worked at, the folks were nonverbal. There are many other differences too. Coming from a different home that was more strict, I have to learn how to be more laid back--maybe that will be good for me! Overall, I think I will enjoy working here. I work again on Thursday.

So my fall schedule looks kind of like this: I will be subbing Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesday half day mornings, and Fridays; working at the group home Wednesday evenings, some weekends; and PCA-ing Thursdays and some evenings and weekends. Yes, a wee bit crazy, especially as I still have lots of trainings to complete. Then you throw in moving in a few weeks and I get a little freaked. But luckily I am totally in control of my subbing schedule-I can just choose not to work it I want! I am continually seeking God and feel at peace about the job situation. He is so good, and most of all, he is all-powerful and I need to continually surrender each moment to Him. As He demonstrates, He knows so much more than I do about what is best for me!!!!!! Thanks for prayers...

Godly Sorrow

2009-08-29T09:48:00.006-05:00

Something came over me
And now I can't take it back
I know I am forgiven
But if someone talked to me that way
I would be gone

I am so broken, torn, bleeding
Full of holes oozing with nothingness
I don't understand all of these problems
And the Devil continues to prowl
Trying to break the links of freedom and forgiveness

I don't know where to go
What's up down right left front back
But somehow I claim this promise of peace
And rest
In the waiting

We are both so broken and wretched
Yet so loved forgiven
It seems no matter how much I try
The worse I fall
The worse of a person I become
The ugliness I try to hide
Comes out with the ones I care for most
I feel I have no excuse
And the truths are mixed in with deceit

Will I ever become the one He wants me to be?
And why do relationships have to be this way?
Why do I always struggle for perfection when I know
It just leads to bondage and depression?
I will try to live my life in the questions
As always, hanging on each moment
Remembering small joys, small fragments of peace,
The times I hung on for dear life
Knowing I will never go back to
The darkness

The Value of Life--My Musings

2009-08-27T13:56:00.006-05:00

This is a portion of an essay I wrote on August 18th after accepting my current job with ACR Homes, Inc. in which I take care of adults with disabilities in their home. I worked for this awesome company for three years in college and felt drawn back and certainly not because of the pay.

Back at ACR: Conversations in my head about the Value of Life

...I really hereby say I alone cannot do this job. I got this job by a miracle (long story), and I do believe God led me to it, not so I could help, but so that I could be helped. As I am in training once again, I love hearing the stories and seeing the faces of the beautiful residents, some recognizable and others new. But again and again, I am puzzled: How did I get hired? How can I do this job? ...Empathy, compassion, integrity--all the qualities this company asserts I possess--the Evil One would like to think I don’t have them. I know I don’t either, but with the Spirit, I do. I have had the Spirit all my life but have recently tried to be more conscious of his ever-presence in my life. Working for this company and with these wonderful people, it has to be said no matter how cliché, literally changed my life. And as I went on a walk today, I wondered at it, musing, What was it that really changed in me? The main thing was my amount of joy. The funny thing was this job was such a gift and I didn’t even realize it because, in the first place, I didn’t even want to work there. It took second place to a full time nanny position. But I accepted it since I needed a job, having lots of doubts, but still surprised they would think me a good candidate.

Today in the class we talked about intrinsic value and compared people’s value to the value of a car. We had to discuss the differences in a small group. The other two girls and I were at a loss for words because it was just so obvious how immoral it was to even consider comparing a car with a person. Anyway, it really did get me thinking. If a car is broken, there is a point you don’t fix it anymore. How sad it is to say, that some still view people this way; well, in their minds, they wouldn’t even consider them people. As I continued to feel more and more righteous indignation, I continually felt the doubts about the Truth flood in and then…the familiar voices. “But do you really believe that? All people have worth? How do you know they wouldn’t be better off dead? How do you know if it’s better to allow a child with Down Syndrome to live because that’s the ‘morally’ correct thing? How do you know they wouldn’t be better off without all that pain and sickness? So maybe they seem happy. But aren’t we just using them? To bring us joy? Think about it. They might not even want to live. At least the ones who are nonverbal…how are we going to know if they really want to be alive?”

I thought about how I had pulled up into the ACR parking lot an hour earlier. The parking lot was incredibly full but I luckily found a spot only a few doors down from the training center. As I pulled up, there was a lady sitting in the corner staring at me. Her whole body was noticeable because it was a clear door with narrow clear floor-to-ceiling windows on either side. She was wearing a purple summer shirt and white pants. Her one hand was crossed over her knees which were drawn up and I instantly noticed she was developmentally disabled. When our eyes met, she immediately produced a gigantic smile and her hand waved against the glass. I don’t know how others feel when they are smiled at by strangers, but I think it is one of the best feelings in the world. I immediately felt intense joy as I smiled in spite of myself. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her and her smile. She seemed to not want me to look away and the moment we shared was so intense, I was even afraid it might disappoint her if I looked down. A thought popped into my head: “She is such a beautiful person. Why would anyone look down on her? If they really looked they would see and experience such joy.” And I was comforted with the understanding of why God allowed people to have disabilities. And then, “But that is so selfish. You have no idea who that lady is or the pain and discomfort she might experience on a daily basis. Why would you say it’s good that God allowed disabilities, allowed others to suffer so that they could help someone like you?” And then I went into a tail spin as my mind recalled all my experiences of joy with my former residents, all six of them. I love thinking of them because I can’t stop smiling. But, is that okay? My doubts continued. Because looking back at my ACR job, I can’t see that I did much, but that I was the one continually blessed.

I think of *** who had so much to endure at the end of his young life. And I wonder is it wrong to think, What if *** had never existed? If he didn’t have to go through all that pain? But then I realize. *** had a really great life. Amazing parents and family. Parents who would have laid down their lives for him and maybe did. I don’t know. He had a good home and caregivers who also loved him. He loved going on trips in the car, on vacation. He liked reading books and holding hands. He loved holding little objects and throwing them. He especially liked licking his finger and then poking you in the eye with it (or the butt). Why would God not want *** to experience that love and to have us experience the joy he brought us?

And so my resolution is this: We can’t question God. Why he allows this person to live, that one to die. This perfectly healthy one to die suddenly, another to die a painful death. Why this amazingly genius of a person gets in an accident and suddenly has the mind of a five-year-old. Why this perfectly healthy baby dies at birth by pure accident, and this other one lives fifty years with the mind of an infant. Why this child has severe mental disabilities and that one has severe physical disabilities. Why another individual struggles with chronic pain…the list continues to eternity. It is the question of evil and suffering. The constant questions of Christians and non-Christians alike. But what I do know is what is the point of questioning? What is, is. If I got joy from being poked by ***, I shouldn’t feel guilty that maybe I am using him or something. (Okay so maybe only somebody with such obsessions and tendencies toward absurd guilt will have thoughts like this, but I am being honest.) I should revel in that joy. I used to just sit and stare at him (or another resident) and just thank God for him or her.

I am allowed to feel joy. That doesn’t mean I am saying, “Oh you’re so cute. I like when you make me laugh. Too bad you have to go through all that suffering. Too bad you were created to be used by others.” That is the Evil One trying to ruin my focus and make me think I am a bad person when I am truly one living in the freedom of the Holy Spirit, one whose belief in the sanctity of life is unwavering. Yes I struggle when I see pain and I admit I wonder, what if that person just died and went to heaven? I admit this because I have said it a lot about myself in my own struggles with depression. And when *** died, I knew it was God’s timing. (I had had so many dreams asleep and awake of this happening…I just wanted him to be at peace, free of pain.) I felt sad that I wouldn’t see his happy face anymore or feel his pokes, even if they were slobbery, but I was relieved that he was now freed to be the true unbroken person God had wanted for him before the fall of man. He was laughing constantly, running, walking (and enjoying it!), eating all his favorite foods, taking hot baths and just laying down at the feet of the Savior who had carried him all those good and painful years.

So I guess I will always struggle in my mind. What is life? Do I really value it? Because ever since high school (maybe earlier) I started wondering about the value of my own life. The Devil had a stronghold. Unfortunately, my genes and tendencies toward melancholia didn’t help. But I am happy to say I now 99% of the time value my own life. How much more can I value others’ lives when I value my own? We are each a son or daughter of the Risen Savior, made in His Image. Imago Dei. I say that when I see someone, a stranger; it especially helps if they are not the most attractive. I don’t know why God allows people with disabilities to have a place in our world except for the fact that I am a completely different person because of them. I don’t even feel worthy of all that care, love and joy they brought into me, transforming into someone I have a hard time recognizing today! I don’t know if that’s selfish or not. Who are we to say that people with disabilities don’t experience joy or pleasure, or that they are continually in pain or discomfort? We are not them. Only Jesus knows their soul. So to have peace with myself, I will say, I am cut out for this job. With Him and only with Him, otherwise I would not have made it. That goes for every challenging thing I have gone through. Another thought, maybe I have contributed to the lives of those people with whom I worked. Maybe God did work through me to better their lives in some small way. Maybe they are happy with their lives and to be alive in a way that we will never understand. Doesn’t everyone have a chance at life?

Numb

2009-08-26T10:44:00.005-05:00

Sometimes I wonder how I can "act as" or be a professional, when, at times I look in the mirror and wonder who I am. I see a pretty face, nice cute hair and smile, a beautiful creation of God. But is that really who I am? I have always been good at acting. Don't get me wrong. I am not acting happy. I am generally happy, or at least at peace.

Mostly I am in this numb state of mind. There is a sheet of glass I am looking through. Somewhat clear but mostly distorted and I just choose to look the other way. While I am hopeful--it's a sort of surreal-hopeful--about my new jobs starting up, I haven't dealt with another large part of my life, that being the current relationship I am in. I frankly don't know what to do or say, so I just let it be. Do I have to make a decision? What decision is that? All I can think of is this song lyric "Should I stay or should I go?"

I was reading in this book about perfectionism that perfectionists tend to have a lot of self-doubt, which makes decision making quite challenging. They generally don't mind putting something off until "no decision is made or the decision is made by default." In this process of "ambivalating," perfectionists are sometimes grateful when others make decisions for them. That describes me to a "T." The only problem is, no one can really make a decision about my relationship. No matter how much I talk to God, I don't hear Him clearly, except that "I will never leave you." But will he ever tell me if I am dating the right person?

As with every problem in my life, I am constantly searching for answers, whether in books, from people I love and respect, from the Bible, from Dr. Phil, from my therapist, from within myself. I literally cannot REST until I have some sort of ideas. Well, I am now so full of ideas that I have become comatose--unable to think or release. So there I sit. Can't make a decision so I just keep praying and living.

I Shall Wait in Your Sight

2009-08-25T16:38:00.004-05:00

I read this poem in the book, Seven Spiritual Gifts of Waiting by Holly Whitcomb, which I finished today.

A good reminder to keep myself in the Word as I go through this painful confusion and muddle through each unknown that seems to get more and more pronounced each day.

"For Reassurance" ~ by Debbie Perlman

I shall wait in Your sight:
Prepare me with Your teachings;
Place knowledge as a screen,
A shelter against winds of adversity.

I shall wait in Your sight:
Animate me with Your teachings;
Invigorate my days with purpose,
Enlarge my actions with meaning.

I shall wait in Your sight:
Empower me with Your teachings;
Let my thirst never be quenched,
Let me drink from Your well.

I shall wait in Your sight:
Secure in who I am,
I will push back the webs of worry
To face my daily challenges.

I shall wait in Your sight:
Secure in Who You are,
I will lean against Your teaching
To guide my daily acts.

Jobs

2009-08-24T10:12:00.002-05:00

In the last three weeks, I accepted three jobs, one with ACR Homes, Inc., one as a PCA for a private family and one through Kelly Services in which I am a substitute teacher. Today I applied for about four jobs in the Osseo District. So there's a chance if I get interviewed and offered a job, I would drop the other three. The only problem is I don't know what I am suppossed to do. That's why I thought I shouldn't apply for any teaching jobs, because then I wouldn't be given a choice. But for some reason I did; so there's a chance I could start a full time teaching job in 1-2 weeks. Unlikely, but a chance. And I am not one to suddenly change plans at the last minute. For one, I would HATE to inconvenience all these people for whom I told I'd work.

The job things is only one thing on my mind.

Matt (my boyfriend) and I are in WI and going to head back to the cities today. Over the weekend, we went to IL with my parents and sent Tim off to Germany yesterday. It was a busy weekend of driving, but luckily we are able to be a little more relaxed today.

Pain

2009-08-20T08:34:00.000-05:00

I am in a lot of pain and confusion for someone I care about, well several people but especially one person. I have done all I can and I don't want to hear it be said, "Give it to God." Because I already have and it just keeps going and going. I can't say any more about it. Just pray.

The Practice of the Presence of God

2009-08-19T11:46:00.000-05:00

I have been oozing lately with words. Words to get out, whether people want to hear or not, that's up to them. But since my gmail and facebook have been frozen (help! anyone have ideas?), I need to let people know what is going on. So I have started a blog. Maybe this is my next step. I don't know if I will keep it up but I do feel it is what I need for faith, for life.

Most of you reading this probably know at least something about me. I am in--what they say--the post-college, quarter-life crisis state. But no, there's really no crisis. Rather a waiting period. In which I continue to try and breathe each moment as if it were from the Savior Himself. And it really is.

I recently finished reading a book I had wanted to read for a long long time called The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence. Just a small book I read in a few days. Even before reading it, but especially after, I realized how God is essentially in EVERYTHING, whether we regard Him or not. He is such a personal God, as I have realized abundantly the last week or so. Since I opened my heart to Him and invited Him in everything, even the simplest things, I experienced a continual transformation. From the depth of my being, I couldn't stop reaching and longing for Him. The peace I felt was incredible but at the same time a lot of interesting, not-so-peaceful things, happened. It is so hard to put into words but it was basically an intense feeling of oppression, a hollowness and a sudden doubt of all I knew to be true. As one who has always struggled internally, I thought maybe it to be a combination of my caffeine intake and my scattered sporadic neurotransmitters. But more and more I found it was spiritual; the lies in my head could only be combated with the Truth I and those around me possess. "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings." 1 Peter 5:8-9

To encourage both you and me in our continual Christian spiritual struggle, I offer the Spirit-inspired words of Brother Lawrence:

"Take courage; offer Him your pains incessantly; pray to Him for strength to endure them. Above all, get a habit of entertaining yourself often with God, and forget Him the least that you can. Adore Him in your infirmities, offer yourself to Him from time to time, and in the height of your sufferings beseech Him humbly and affectionately (as a child His father) to make you conformable to His holy will...I would willingly ask of God a part of your sufferings, but that I know my weakness, which is so great that if He left me one moment to myself I should be the most wretched man alive. And yet I know not how He can leave me alone, because faith gives me as strong a conviction as sense can do that He never forsakes us until we have first forsaken Him. Let us fear to leave Him. Let us be always with Him. Let us live and die in His presence."