The other day I had a nice post written about my measly self and life. I thought, "Oh this is actually pretty good. I should save it just in case." But I didn't. Then the power suddenly went out. So much for that.
I am hurting for loved ones right now. Especially my beautiful cousin Becca who lost her third baby. I can't imagine what pain she must feel so I am crying out to God to comfort her like no one can. Then there's my friend Kat whose brother was murdered a week ago. I was reading some tributes to her brother Leo this morning. He was only 22 years old. I just can't believe what kind of f'ed up world we live in. And I am trying to hang on to hope. If not for me, at least for my sweet dear cousin who doesn't deserve any of this crap. Or for a family whose wonderful brother and son was violently, tragically ripped from their lives...
I was feeling pain earlier. But now it's deadness. Like it's not even me writing. I don't really know if I am sad. Because it is kind of no emotions. None of the stress I am dealing with can compare to the pain of these two wonderful women and the people closest to them. But comparing doesn't help I suppose.
I don't really want to talk about me and my drama with messed up relationships and lack of knowledge of self.
When listening to some of my favorite songs, I, like I often do, wondered: Do I even believe this? "He has been there before/He will be there again" and other songs with a similar Jesus-will-never-forsake-you theme. Sometimes I wonder if I am Christian, because when Greg Boyd (my pastor) says to imagine Jesus in your head, I can't. How am I supposed to know what he looked like? And I wonder if maybe Jews could get into heaven even they don't believe in Jesus. That makes me feel like a heretic.
I want to turn the world off and focus on hope and life. The only way I can do that is if I have Someone to hope in. For all my life, I've hoped in Christ because I was told to; I always wondered if I was doing it right. I don't want to hope because I'm told to. I want to hope because it's all I can do. I don't know if it's my own evil self or something evil putting thoughts in my head that I can't trust Jesus. Because look at all the people that kill themselves who were Christians...
Okay sorry for that tangent. It's like this: I trust God but Jesus is kind of distant. I know they are one and the same and Jesus is supposed to be "God visible" but I don't feel that. All I see is his Awesomeness in nature and his Beauty in people. I don't feel Him right now in this moment. Jesus. Sitting next to me as I cry for everyone who is hurting, yelling at Him: Where are you?????
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Comfort Ye Others Just as You are Comforted
Last night I went to get an hour-long full body massage with hot stone therapy at a place nearby my house. I got a half-off deal in the mail! It was amazing! I'm glad I allowed myself to take care of myself that way. When she was doing my neck and shoulders she found I had knots up and down both sides of my neck that went all the way to the base of my skull. No wonder I've been in so much pain!
Anyway, the hot stones were the best because I was so cold, especially my poor bony fingers! I had so many knots and so much tension that she went an extra 15 minutes. I was able to really relax except the lotion she put on was a bit intense for my nose so I got a little headache. But people that are "too uncomfortable" to get massages like this don't know what they are missing!
I don't know what it is about me but I crave this skin on skin contact. I've always loved massage and got my first professional full body massage in high school when we used to have them included on my mom's insurance! I realized immediately that professional massages, just the ambience of it-everything-, was one of the only ways I can completely relax.
To get deep and spiritual, receiving a massage helps me connect with my body and realize again how beautiful I am. Also, just to be taken care of for once, ahhh, so nice. As I lay there yesterday, I thought of how I do physical therapy and massage/lotioning with the guys I take care of at the group home. I'm always worried I am doing it wrong, that maybe he is not comfortable. With the residents, they don't often communicate whether they are or are not comfortable. Because I received comfort yesterday as the receiver of massage, I was able to realize that yes, maybe I DO do a good job with the guys and maybe they enjoy my sloppy untrained attempts at PT and massage. More than that, though, I realize like my massage therapist, my first concern is for the other person.
Probably the best thing is helping my one resident get into bed at night. (Let's call him Cal.) Cal has a Parkinson's-like condition which makes him extremely exhausted and basically unresponsive as the day goes on. I just ache for him because he is so sleepy and often longs for his bed. I know all too well the feeling of being SO tired and having no energy to go through the process of getting to bed. Once Cal is finally all briefed, pajama-ed, lotioned and teeth-brushed, the next task is to get him to stand up from his wheelchair and take a few painful steps toward his bed, open and waiting for him. I, being a lover of my bed, can totally relate to his comfort in finally collapsing. Unfortunately, Cal is so weak that I have to reposition his rigid 150-lb body so that-to me-he looks comfortable and so that I, too, can receive comfort. Sometimes this is tough and requires him to stand and reposition himself a few more times (a process of a few minutes). Finally, finally he is looking cozy and I pull the sheet up, making sure it covers him evenly and then the comforter, tucking it under his droopy chin. I just see the release in his face and I feel it deep within. Rest. I know he's comfortable and at peace and that's the best feeling in the world.
To have that done to you every so often is great. That's why life is so beautiful. I am able to give because of the gifts Christ gives through others, whether it is a professional massage with hot stones, hugging and crying with a close friend, or a tiny child that you've known for less than a minute suddenly put her little hand in yours.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in your patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort. 2 Cor. 1:3-7
Anyway, the hot stones were the best because I was so cold, especially my poor bony fingers! I had so many knots and so much tension that she went an extra 15 minutes. I was able to really relax except the lotion she put on was a bit intense for my nose so I got a little headache. But people that are "too uncomfortable" to get massages like this don't know what they are missing!
I don't know what it is about me but I crave this skin on skin contact. I've always loved massage and got my first professional full body massage in high school when we used to have them included on my mom's insurance! I realized immediately that professional massages, just the ambience of it-everything-, was one of the only ways I can completely relax.
To get deep and spiritual, receiving a massage helps me connect with my body and realize again how beautiful I am. Also, just to be taken care of for once, ahhh, so nice. As I lay there yesterday, I thought of how I do physical therapy and massage/lotioning with the guys I take care of at the group home. I'm always worried I am doing it wrong, that maybe he is not comfortable. With the residents, they don't often communicate whether they are or are not comfortable. Because I received comfort yesterday as the receiver of massage, I was able to realize that yes, maybe I DO do a good job with the guys and maybe they enjoy my sloppy untrained attempts at PT and massage. More than that, though, I realize like my massage therapist, my first concern is for the other person.
Probably the best thing is helping my one resident get into bed at night. (Let's call him Cal.) Cal has a Parkinson's-like condition which makes him extremely exhausted and basically unresponsive as the day goes on. I just ache for him because he is so sleepy and often longs for his bed. I know all too well the feeling of being SO tired and having no energy to go through the process of getting to bed. Once Cal is finally all briefed, pajama-ed, lotioned and teeth-brushed, the next task is to get him to stand up from his wheelchair and take a few painful steps toward his bed, open and waiting for him. I, being a lover of my bed, can totally relate to his comfort in finally collapsing. Unfortunately, Cal is so weak that I have to reposition his rigid 150-lb body so that-to me-he looks comfortable and so that I, too, can receive comfort. Sometimes this is tough and requires him to stand and reposition himself a few more times (a process of a few minutes). Finally, finally he is looking cozy and I pull the sheet up, making sure it covers him evenly and then the comforter, tucking it under his droopy chin. I just see the release in his face and I feel it deep within. Rest. I know he's comfortable and at peace and that's the best feeling in the world.
To have that done to you every so often is great. That's why life is so beautiful. I am able to give because of the gifts Christ gives through others, whether it is a professional massage with hot stones, hugging and crying with a close friend, or a tiny child that you've known for less than a minute suddenly put her little hand in yours.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in your patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort. 2 Cor. 1:3-7
Monday, January 4, 2010
Looking Back on '09
Monday, January 4, 2010
"it's gonna be happy new year..."
2009 in retrospect..
1. what did you do this past year that you'd never done before?
was a bridesmaid in two weddings, taught inner city Kindergarteners, went to The Fray concert, drove with a friend down to El PAso, went on a 2-week long vacation with just my parents,
2. did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I try to make a daily commitment to things otherwise I just burn out. Each day, I try to live fully by taking care of myself, and demonstrating
3. did anyone close to you give birth?
no, not til this year
4. did anyone close to you die?
my uncle Tom was killed on his bicycle in May. We shared lots of fun memories, especially the last few years. Love you, Uncle Tom!
5. what countries did you visit?
Mexico! I visited my friend Becca in El Paso and we spent some time in Juarez, Mx where she works with children in a children's home!
6. what would you like to have this year that you lacked last year?
more patience and understanding for self and others, how to see myself as a beloved person, the way Christ sees me and a willingness to trust Him more than I ever have
7. what date from this year will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
8. what was your biggest achievement of the year?
graduating from DBT (dialectic behavior therapy), making it through a tough year of teaching, being more open to God's involvement in my life in the smallest things
9. what was your biggest failure?
not being renewed as a teacher at the school I was at (even though I was going to resign anyway), or getting recognized by principal (which was kind of impossible), not getting a teaching job
10. did you suffer illness or injury?
normal every day battle with depression and migraines once a month or so
11. what was the best thing you bought?
I didn't buy a lot.
12. whose behavior merited celebration?
13. whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
14. where did most of your money go?
paying off loans; food; gas; rent, the normal!
15. what did you get really, really, really excited about?
Umm...probably when two of my friends got pregnant!
16. what song will always remind you of this year:
Any of the Woodland Hills worship songs, especially "Lead me to the Cross," "At the Foot of the Cross," "Jesus Draw Me ever Nearer", "Still"--Reuben Morgan (Hillsong) "Shadowfeet" and "None but Jesus" by Brooke Fraser (Hillsong),"The More I Seek You"--by Karie Jobe
17. compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? Both in different ways, but I don't really like those terms
18. thinner or fatter? same
19. richer or poorer? I am richer in a lot of of non-monetary ways. God is teaching me to see people the way he sees them and that is a true gift. I have become a more open-minded and loving person (but also experienced more pain because of it, I think). This year has made me a richer person simply because I lived.
20. what do you wish you'd done more of?
Writing, volunteering or missions trips, traveling
21. what do you wish you'd done less of?
Complaining, obsessing, COMPARING MYSELF TO EVERYONE
22. how will you be spending your birthday? I don't know
23. how will you be spending the holidays? probably the norm, I don't know
24. did you fall in love this past year? with life a little more than last year
25. how many one-night stands? none
26. what was your favorite TV program? Law & Order: SVU, Everybody Loves Raymond, but I kind of stopped watching TV
27. do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
no
28. what was the best book you read? When Bad things Happen to Good People by Harold s. Kushner, PRacticing the PResence of God by Brother Lawerence, and Beautiful Boy by David Sheff (a memoir of a journalist's son's addiction to meth)
29. what was your greatest musical discovery? Brook Fraser of hillsong
30. what did you want and get? jobs
31. what did you want and not get? a FT teaching job (I don't know if I really wanted it, just wanted to say I got it, and also for security/benefit reasons)
32. what was your favorite film of this year?
33. what did you do on your last birthday, and how old were you?
25, nothign much celebrated with boyfriend and close friend
34. how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
35. what kept you sane? worship music (Woodland Hills and Hillsong), other favorite music and singing, close friends, WRITING and reading, crafting
36. which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
37. what political issue stirred you the most? probably economic difficulties after our church's sermon series called Compassion by Command
38. who was the best new person you met?
39. tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009: Be Still and know that I am God. Lately I have been bearing the pain of everyone around me. It's like an addiction. God is teaching me that I can't do that, to say it simply, or I may die (seriously)--like the pain is so great sometimes, I just feel like i can't live in this life. god and I talk and he tells me things like, "It's okay to just breathe. Rest against by chest and just breath. Be still. Know that I AM. I am God."
40. quote a song lyric that sums up your year: None but Jesus--brooke fraser
In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored
When You call I won’t refuse
Each new day again I’ll choose
There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise
In the chaos, in confusion
I know You’re Sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will
When You call I won’t delay
This my song through all my days
All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord Forevermore
The More I Seek You--Kari Jobe
The more i seek you,
the more i find you
The more i find you, the more I love you
I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath, here your heart beat
This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming
"it's gonna be happy new year..."
2009 in retrospect..
1. what did you do this past year that you'd never done before?
was a bridesmaid in two weddings, taught inner city Kindergarteners, went to The Fray concert, drove with a friend down to El PAso, went on a 2-week long vacation with just my parents,
2. did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I try to make a daily commitment to things otherwise I just burn out. Each day, I try to live fully by taking care of myself, and demonstrating
3. did anyone close to you give birth?
no, not til this year
4. did anyone close to you die?
my uncle Tom was killed on his bicycle in May. We shared lots of fun memories, especially the last few years. Love you, Uncle Tom!
5. what countries did you visit?
Mexico! I visited my friend Becca in El Paso and we spent some time in Juarez, Mx where she works with children in a children's home!
6. what would you like to have this year that you lacked last year?
more patience and understanding for self and others, how to see myself as a beloved person, the way Christ sees me and a willingness to trust Him more than I ever have
7. what date from this year will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
8. what was your biggest achievement of the year?
graduating from DBT (dialectic behavior therapy), making it through a tough year of teaching, being more open to God's involvement in my life in the smallest things
9. what was your biggest failure?
not being renewed as a teacher at the school I was at (even though I was going to resign anyway), or getting recognized by principal (which was kind of impossible), not getting a teaching job
10. did you suffer illness or injury?
normal every day battle with depression and migraines once a month or so
11. what was the best thing you bought?
I didn't buy a lot.
12. whose behavior merited celebration?
13. whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
14. where did most of your money go?
paying off loans; food; gas; rent, the normal!
15. what did you get really, really, really excited about?
Umm...probably when two of my friends got pregnant!
16. what song will always remind you of this year:
Any of the Woodland Hills worship songs, especially "Lead me to the Cross," "At the Foot of the Cross," "Jesus Draw Me ever Nearer", "Still"--Reuben Morgan (Hillsong) "Shadowfeet" and "None but Jesus" by Brooke Fraser (Hillsong),"The More I Seek You"--by Karie Jobe
17. compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? Both in different ways, but I don't really like those terms
18. thinner or fatter? same
19. richer or poorer? I am richer in a lot of of non-monetary ways. God is teaching me to see people the way he sees them and that is a true gift. I have become a more open-minded and loving person (but also experienced more pain because of it, I think). This year has made me a richer person simply because I lived.
20. what do you wish you'd done more of?
Writing, volunteering or missions trips, traveling
21. what do you wish you'd done less of?
Complaining, obsessing, COMPARING MYSELF TO EVERYONE
22. how will you be spending your birthday? I don't know
23. how will you be spending the holidays? probably the norm, I don't know
24. did you fall in love this past year? with life a little more than last year
25. how many one-night stands? none
26. what was your favorite TV program? Law & Order: SVU, Everybody Loves Raymond, but I kind of stopped watching TV
27. do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
no
28. what was the best book you read? When Bad things Happen to Good People by Harold s. Kushner, PRacticing the PResence of God by Brother Lawerence, and Beautiful Boy by David Sheff (a memoir of a journalist's son's addiction to meth)
29. what was your greatest musical discovery? Brook Fraser of hillsong
30. what did you want and get? jobs
31. what did you want and not get? a FT teaching job (I don't know if I really wanted it, just wanted to say I got it, and also for security/benefit reasons)
32. what was your favorite film of this year?
33. what did you do on your last birthday, and how old were you?
25, nothign much celebrated with boyfriend and close friend
34. how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
35. what kept you sane? worship music (Woodland Hills and Hillsong), other favorite music and singing, close friends, WRITING and reading, crafting
36. which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
37. what political issue stirred you the most? probably economic difficulties after our church's sermon series called Compassion by Command
38. who was the best new person you met?
39. tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009: Be Still and know that I am God. Lately I have been bearing the pain of everyone around me. It's like an addiction. God is teaching me that I can't do that, to say it simply, or I may die (seriously)--like the pain is so great sometimes, I just feel like i can't live in this life. god and I talk and he tells me things like, "It's okay to just breathe. Rest against by chest and just breath. Be still. Know that I AM. I am God."
40. quote a song lyric that sums up your year: None but Jesus--brooke fraser
In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored
When You call I won’t refuse
Each new day again I’ll choose
There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise
In the chaos, in confusion
I know You’re Sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will
When You call I won’t delay
This my song through all my days
All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord Forevermore
The More I Seek You--Kari Jobe
The more i seek you,
the more i find you
The more i find you, the more I love you
I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath, here your heart beat
This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Depression Free--Hallelujah! (Even if it is just ONE DAY)!
I don't even know if anyone reads my blog but I must share with the world...even one or two people of my great day! If you have read anything of mind lately (trust me, there's a lot more things that I didn't post that were a lot more depressing) or you know me in person, I have been struggling with a bout of depression. I have-in clinical terms-major depressive disorder or in layman's terms "depression" and have struggled for almost ten years. I could go into a whole long thing about this struggle where I believe it came from, blah blah blah. BUT
I want to focus on my good day.
You may think something exciting happened or I heard some good news. Like maybe world hunger is going down. Or that my dad's pain magically disappeared. Or that my brother Tim decided to move back from Germany (I know, I am happy for him, but miss him terribly). Or that I found the man of my dreams. Or that I have my financial situation under control. Or that I finally know what my life calling is.
Nope. It was just a normal day. The only thing I did differently was I took a Women's Multi-vitamin, which includes lots of things I've discovered I need enough of like Vitamin B6 and B12, Iron, and some other things and Omega 6. I did my normal amount of caffeine, normal amount of including God in my day-okay could have done a little better with that-, normal breakfast, normal amount of sleep. I even had a difficult subbing job. I went...and I just felt GREAT. (I will say my depression is exacerbated by physical symptoms and my physical symptoms exacerbate my depression. And as of late, this has been utter fatigue at sudden, random times, like I will literally feel drugged and have to leave an event to go to bed--unless I'm working, of course.) Anyway, I had an amazing amount of energy--not anxious energy from caffeine, in which my already scattered brain goes a trillion miles an hour then BOOM I crash into a comatose-like state. But no. I stayed positive and energetic. I genuinely LIKED myself. It was the best feeling in the world and I can't thank God enough for this simply beautiful day.
After work, I took a walk on some trails at a nearby park. Then helped my roommates clean up the yard. I could really feel the endorphins flowing out freely. I enjoyed a delicious leftover meal I made yesterday--chicken fettucini. IT was amAAAzing may I be so bold to say. Then to top it off, Theresa reset our wireless router, so I NOW have internet on my very own computer (I have been patiently waiting for weeks to get it figured out!)
THANK YOU GOD! I will hope for another wonderfully simple and beautiful day tomorrow. Even one such moment that I experienced today would be an incredible gift. (And I will try not to think about the mice I hear in the walls :( )
I want to focus on my good day.
You may think something exciting happened or I heard some good news. Like maybe world hunger is going down. Or that my dad's pain magically disappeared. Or that my brother Tim decided to move back from Germany (I know, I am happy for him, but miss him terribly). Or that I found the man of my dreams. Or that I have my financial situation under control. Or that I finally know what my life calling is.
Nope. It was just a normal day. The only thing I did differently was I took a Women's Multi-vitamin, which includes lots of things I've discovered I need enough of like Vitamin B6 and B12, Iron, and some other things and Omega 6. I did my normal amount of caffeine, normal amount of including God in my day-okay could have done a little better with that-, normal breakfast, normal amount of sleep. I even had a difficult subbing job. I went...and I just felt GREAT. (I will say my depression is exacerbated by physical symptoms and my physical symptoms exacerbate my depression. And as of late, this has been utter fatigue at sudden, random times, like I will literally feel drugged and have to leave an event to go to bed--unless I'm working, of course.) Anyway, I had an amazing amount of energy--not anxious energy from caffeine, in which my already scattered brain goes a trillion miles an hour then BOOM I crash into a comatose-like state. But no. I stayed positive and energetic. I genuinely LIKED myself. It was the best feeling in the world and I can't thank God enough for this simply beautiful day.
After work, I took a walk on some trails at a nearby park. Then helped my roommates clean up the yard. I could really feel the endorphins flowing out freely. I enjoyed a delicious leftover meal I made yesterday--chicken fettucini. IT was amAAAzing may I be so bold to say. Then to top it off, Theresa reset our wireless router, so I NOW have internet on my very own computer (I have been patiently waiting for weeks to get it figured out!)
THANK YOU GOD! I will hope for another wonderfully simple and beautiful day tomorrow. Even one such moment that I experienced today would be an incredible gift. (And I will try not to think about the mice I hear in the walls :( )
Thursday, October 1, 2009
My Foundation
Life is a puzzle and each day...
A new gift
I am astounded at
How the world has changed
My very source of stability
Seems to have slipped
Like a gripless shoe on solid ice
I am reminded again
Of Trust
And Hope
So deep that your
Fingers are bleeding from all the
Effort of holding on
And the Knowledge
That there is only one Truth
To depend on another person
Or ideal can put an end to
Your sanity
I am aching for people
I love dearly
And those Who I don't yet know
I know I may seem close-minded to some
That my tried and true methods
Might seem rigid to Emergents
But I am one who lives and loves
Because of my experiences
The BitterSweetness the Savior
Has given to me
and the Love I can share because of
His Saving my Life
This priceless gift.
A new gift
I am astounded at
How the world has changed
My very source of stability
Seems to have slipped
Like a gripless shoe on solid ice
I am reminded again
Of Trust
And Hope
So deep that your
Fingers are bleeding from all the
Effort of holding on
And the Knowledge
That there is only one Truth
To depend on another person
Or ideal can put an end to
Your sanity
I am aching for people
I love dearly
And those Who I don't yet know
I know I may seem close-minded to some
That my tried and true methods
Might seem rigid to Emergents
But I am one who lives and loves
Because of my experiences
The BitterSweetness the Savior
Has given to me
and the Love I can share because of
His Saving my Life
This priceless gift.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
