Live in this World

I wrote this on 1-4-10. It refers to many people who are important to me, including a woman I know at one of the group homes where I work.

Dearest LORD and my closest friend
I am so confused as to how
I can just sit here
My knees capture the sunlight
Coming in from the window
Just sit praising you
How is this changing anything?
But yet I do it
Because I just can't not do it
It is my very being
Who I am
And I don't feel in control now
Your Spirit is coming in
And the Sunlight is You
I'm captured by a real Being
I don't really know anything
Except you want me to do this
Why can't I just do this every day

Spend each day like this
Maybe I'd like life a lot more
I wouldn't be presented with
Screaming and self-induced bloody scratches
On arms and legs
And a mind that can't
Tell herself with words or actions
What she truly Wants
Or others, those that care for her
And the worst is that I can't comfort her
And in that way I am very
Alone and uncomforted
Oh Lord but in this moment I am
Comforted in your Love
And I know she is too
Even in her pain and discomfort

And his heart
Is bleeding out til there's no more
Emptiness
Closed off to love
And so abandoned
He can't even figure out
Who or what love is
He loves her but he is still
Bleeding, fighting, misunderstood
She is so busy and fleeting
Not able to think one way or the other
Because she so desperately wants
And needs love from a man
But a mangled and broken
Heart cannot lover her Even
If he says he does
These are two broken shattered people
And their pain is hard to bear

And I see it in her crystal
Shiny beautiful eyes
Tinted blue oceans
She really looks and will
never let me escape a room
Without those arms opening
And I see it her eyes
She is so broken
But the most incredible lover
I have ever seen
The way she loves is amazing
Yet how could she not love herself
She is longing for freedom
But somehow can't make a leap
She keeps going because Your love flows
out of her and
Her love makes me want to live

Their joy is deep but sometimes
Strained under
The wrinkles of hurt
The things that threaten to tear
Everything
Throw them in a puddle
A useless pool of water
But somehow life keeps going
And now a new year

Will it end the same?
Questions unanswered
A mom who keeps abusing
Awaking to another endles
Day of job searching
Barbing statements about your
Worthlessness
As a single person
As a jobless person
What society and family and even Christianity
can say about you
About your "condition"
Whether it's because you only
Have one hand
Or maybe because you have an actual illness
located in the DSM that is called
Major Depressive Disorder
OR maybe because you are just a "label-less" person
Who feels
Like a nobody

That's why I wish I could sit
Here
And just forget the world
Because no matter how much
Pain I bleed out
It doesn't seem to change anything
I will stay in your presence
As much as possible
Until You teach me how to
Live in this World.

Looking Back on '09

Monday, January 4, 2010
"it's gonna be happy new year..."

2009 in retrospect..

1. what did you do this past year that you'd never done before?
was a bridesmaid in two weddings, taught inner city Kindergarteners, went to The Fray concert, drove with a friend down to El PAso, went on a 2-week long vacation with just my parents,

2. did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I try to make a daily commitment to things otherwise I just burn out. Each day, I try to live fully by taking care of myself, and demonstrating

3. did anyone close to you give birth?
no, not til this year


4. did anyone close to you die?
my uncle Tom was killed on his bicycle in May. We shared lots of fun memories, especially the last few years. Love you, Uncle Tom!


5. what countries did you visit?
Mexico! I visited my friend Becca in El Paso and we spent some time in Juarez, Mx where she works with children in a children's home!

6. what would you like to have this year that you lacked last year?
more patience and understanding for self and others, how to see myself as a beloved person, the way Christ sees me and a willingness to trust Him more than I ever have

7. what date from this year will remain etched upon your memory, and why?


8. what was your biggest achievement of the year?
graduating from DBT (dialectic behavior therapy), making it through a tough year of teaching, being more open to God's involvement in my life in the smallest things

9. what was your biggest failure?
not being renewed as a teacher at the school I was at (even though I was going to resign anyway), or getting recognized by principal (which was kind of impossible), not getting a teaching job


10. did you suffer illness or injury?
normal every day battle with depression and migraines once a month or so

11. what was the best thing you bought?
I didn't buy a lot.

12. whose behavior merited celebration?


13. whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?


14. where did most of your money go?
paying off loans; food; gas; rent, the normal!

15. what did you get really, really, really excited about?
Umm...probably when two of my friends got pregnant!

16. what song will always remind you of this year:
Any of the Woodland Hills worship songs, especially "Lead me to the Cross," "At the Foot of the Cross," "Jesus Draw Me ever Nearer", "Still"--Reuben Morgan (Hillsong) "Shadowfeet" and "None but Jesus" by Brooke Fraser (Hillsong),"The More I Seek You"--by Karie Jobe

17. compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? Both in different ways, but I don't really like those terms


18. thinner or fatter? same


19. richer or poorer? I am richer in a lot of of non-monetary ways. God is teaching me to see people the way he sees them and that is a true gift. I have become a more open-minded and loving person (but also experienced more pain because of it, I think). This year has made me a richer person simply because I lived.


20. what do you wish you'd done more of?
Writing, volunteering or missions trips, traveling

21. what do you wish you'd done less of?
Complaining, obsessing, COMPARING MYSELF TO EVERYONE

22. how will you be spending your birthday? I don't know


23. how will you be spending the holidays? probably the norm, I don't know


24. did you fall in love this past year? with life a little more than last year


25. how many one-night stands? none


26. what was your favorite TV program? Law & Order: SVU, Everybody Loves Raymond, but I kind of stopped watching TV


27. do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
no

28. what was the best book you read? When Bad things Happen to Good People by Harold s. Kushner, PRacticing the PResence of God by Brother Lawerence, and Beautiful Boy by David Sheff (a memoir of a journalist's son's addiction to meth)


29. what was your greatest musical discovery? Brook Fraser of hillsong


30. what did you want and get? jobs


31. what did you want and not get? a FT teaching job (I don't know if I really wanted it, just wanted to say I got it, and also for security/benefit reasons)


32. what was your favorite film of this year?


33. what did you do on your last birthday, and how old were you?
25, nothign much celebrated with boyfriend and close friend


34. how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?


35. what kept you sane? worship music (Woodland Hills and Hillsong), other favorite music and singing, close friends, WRITING and reading, crafting

36. which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?


37. what political issue stirred you the most? probably economic difficulties after our church's sermon series called Compassion by Command


38. who was the best new person you met?


39. tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009: Be Still and know that I am God. Lately I have been bearing the pain of everyone around me. It's like an addiction. God is teaching me that I can't do that, to say it simply, or I may die (seriously)--like the pain is so great sometimes, I just feel like i can't live in this life. god and I talk and he tells me things like, "It's okay to just breathe. Rest against by chest and just breath. Be still. Know that I AM. I am God."


40. quote a song lyric that sums up your year: None but Jesus--brooke fraser

In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored

When You call I won’t refuse
Each new day again I’ll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion
I know You’re Sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will

When You call I won’t delay
This my song through all my days

All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord Forevermore

The More I Seek You--Kari Jobe
The more i seek you,
the more i find you
The more i find you, the more I love you

I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath, here your heart beat
This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming

Us

So many aching hearts

Racing minds

Souls ripped by a hunger

That seems to never be filled

Questions

Have I been forsaken?

Doubts

Life is just too hard.

Tears

Fall Within

And Out

I see and feel the pain

Of so many

And my eyes burn

With an intense

Compassion

Zealousness

For justice

For hope that's real

Not just a dream

Each face has a Name

And each Name is

Written in your Book

And yet as you see

Each Sparrow Fall

You let each of Your precious

Children Fall

Questioning

Scavenging

My tears won't end

Because my heart

Is breaking for So Many

But yet what's this

Feeling I have alongside

Intense Sorrow?

It's beauty

It's beauty of these

Exquisite Souls

I see them, I try to see them

As Yours

And I love them

But unlike you

I don't know what to do

So I wait

I hope alongside them

Cry with them

And fear each crack

In their hearts grows

Larger

Until nothing is left

Nothing is left

Except Us.

That's why

You've given me this

Indescribable gift

To hurt for the hurting

Because maybe

Your love has become

More real to me

in these Trying Times

And today I pray

to Your Spirit

To walk with Us

To carry our agonies

Our doubts

Questions

Our jumbled up

Nothingness

That sometimes comes

Out as tears

Or as blank stares

Or as empty smiles

Carry them with your

Wordless Groanings

To Heaven

Because we are Done

And the pain is too Much

But You've given Us

Each Other.

Free for the Moment

I've been enjoying a bit of freedom
From an uncontrollable power
That seems to bind me at the most random times
Where tears fall so often
It seems I should be crying
When my eyes are dry

I am sitting in a state of mind not too unfamiliar
A little separated from what is going on
But the sun shining in
Reminds me of hope
And faithfulness
Deliverance
From all these problems
The suffering of so many is not in my hands

I can only look to Him
And Him only
As I-not trudge-but triumphantly
Walk from one moment to the next
In a complex, confusing
But utterly beautiful, engaging, stunning world.

My Life

I am looking at a moldy tomato that I got (among other healthy) ones from my friend Josh. It's sitting on the table amongst a variety of fruits and vegetables, onions, sweet potato, apples, pears.

"These are warnings signs if the flu is severe...that you need to get your child to the hospital." The radio DJ says in the background.

My mind is throwing around all these colors and textures and words and sounds. And I look back on my week. Full of excitement, praise, hope, and the possibility of explosion.

The sun that came out yesterday was amazing...I even got out to go on a walk with my roommate, Theresa. We talked about our early babysitting experiences.

While I sit here, everyone I know is going through some sort of life transition or grief period. And I am praising God. Is that selfish?

I have gotten a job every day this week (either with the group home job or sub teaching) and have really enjoyed it despite my exhaustion and on-and-off headaches. After teaching first grade today, I will drive over to my old group home where I worked for three years and do a short shift there. I am so excited to see everyone again but it's going to be a crazy long work day. Then tomorrow I may or may not pick up a sub teaching job. And on Sat I work 16 hours at the regular group home and Sun 8 hours. I love God's provisions but hopefully I am not overdoing it.

I am really trying to be intentional about everything that's happening to me, take nothing for granted. While constantly praying for my friends/family who are struggling (who isn't?) I won't believe the lie that God should "spend less time with me and go to them who need him more." He has been my closest and Ever Presence these past few days and weeks. The only thing I am doing differently is simply inviting him in to the smallest tasks and thoughts. He truly does care, as I have learned. I tell Him all about these people that I love and care about, admitting that I CAN'T change their situation. He has really given me purpose, life and hope when I feel I least deserve it...

Anyway, yes a very random post.

The Practice of the Presence of God

I have been oozing lately with words. Words to get out, whether people want to hear or not, that's up to them. But since my gmail and facebook have been frozen (help! anyone have ideas?), I need to let people know what is going on. So I have started a blog. Maybe this is my next step. I don't know if I will keep it up but I do feel it is what I need for faith, for life.

Most of you reading this probably know at least something about me. I am in--what they say--the post-college, quarter-life crisis state. But no, there's really no crisis. Rather a waiting period. In which I continue to try and breathe each moment as if it were from the Savior Himself. And it really is.

I recently finished reading a book I had wanted to read for a long long time called The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence. Just a small book I read in a few days. Even before reading it, but especially after, I realized how God is essentially in EVERYTHING, whether we regard Him or not. He is such a personal God, as I have realized abundantly the last week or so. Since I opened my heart to Him and invited Him in everything, even the simplest things, I experienced a continual transformation. From the depth of my being, I couldn't stop reaching and longing for Him. The peace I felt was incredible but at the same time a lot of interesting, not-so-peaceful things, happened. It is so hard to put into words but it was basically an intense feeling of oppression, a hollowness and a sudden doubt of all I knew to be true. As one who has always struggled internally, I thought maybe it to be a combination of my caffeine intake and my scattered sporadic neurotransmitters. But more and more I found it was spiritual; the lies in my head could only be combated with the Truth I and those around me possess. "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings." 1 Peter 5:8-9

To encourage both you and me in our continual Christian spiritual struggle, I offer the Spirit-inspired words of Brother Lawrence:

"Take courage; offer Him your pains incessantly; pray to Him for strength to endure them. Above all, get a habit of entertaining yourself often with God, and forget Him the least that you can. Adore Him in your infirmities, offer yourself to Him from time to time, and in the height of your sufferings beseech Him humbly and affectionately (as a child His father) to make you conformable to His holy will...I would willingly ask of God a part of your sufferings, but that I know my weakness, which is so great that if He left me one moment to myself I should be the most wretched man alive. And yet I know not how He can leave me alone, because faith gives me as strong a conviction as sense can do that He never forsakes us until we have first forsaken Him. Let us fear to leave Him. Let us be always with Him. Let us live and die in His presence."