Live in this World

I wrote this on 1-4-10. It refers to many people who are important to me, including a woman I know at one of the group homes where I work.

Dearest LORD and my closest friend
I am so confused as to how
I can just sit here
My knees capture the sunlight
Coming in from the window
Just sit praising you
How is this changing anything?
But yet I do it
Because I just can't not do it
It is my very being
Who I am
And I don't feel in control now
Your Spirit is coming in
And the Sunlight is You
I'm captured by a real Being
I don't really know anything
Except you want me to do this
Why can't I just do this every day

Spend each day like this
Maybe I'd like life a lot more
I wouldn't be presented with
Screaming and self-induced bloody scratches
On arms and legs
And a mind that can't
Tell herself with words or actions
What she truly Wants
Or others, those that care for her
And the worst is that I can't comfort her
And in that way I am very
Alone and uncomforted
Oh Lord but in this moment I am
Comforted in your Love
And I know she is too
Even in her pain and discomfort

And his heart
Is bleeding out til there's no more
Emptiness
Closed off to love
And so abandoned
He can't even figure out
Who or what love is
He loves her but he is still
Bleeding, fighting, misunderstood
She is so busy and fleeting
Not able to think one way or the other
Because she so desperately wants
And needs love from a man
But a mangled and broken
Heart cannot lover her Even
If he says he does
These are two broken shattered people
And their pain is hard to bear

And I see it in her crystal
Shiny beautiful eyes
Tinted blue oceans
She really looks and will
never let me escape a room
Without those arms opening
And I see it her eyes
She is so broken
But the most incredible lover
I have ever seen
The way she loves is amazing
Yet how could she not love herself
She is longing for freedom
But somehow can't make a leap
She keeps going because Your love flows
out of her and
Her love makes me want to live

Their joy is deep but sometimes
Strained under
The wrinkles of hurt
The things that threaten to tear
Everything
Throw them in a puddle
A useless pool of water
But somehow life keeps going
And now a new year

Will it end the same?
Questions unanswered
A mom who keeps abusing
Awaking to another endles
Day of job searching
Barbing statements about your
Worthlessness
As a single person
As a jobless person
What society and family and even Christianity
can say about you
About your "condition"
Whether it's because you only
Have one hand
Or maybe because you have an actual illness
located in the DSM that is called
Major Depressive Disorder
OR maybe because you are just a "label-less" person
Who feels
Like a nobody

That's why I wish I could sit
Here
And just forget the world
Because no matter how much
Pain I bleed out
It doesn't seem to change anything
I will stay in your presence
As much as possible
Until You teach me how to
Live in this World.

Us

So many aching hearts

Racing minds

Souls ripped by a hunger

That seems to never be filled

Questions

Have I been forsaken?

Doubts

Life is just too hard.

Tears

Fall Within

And Out

I see and feel the pain

Of so many

And my eyes burn

With an intense

Compassion

Zealousness

For justice

For hope that's real

Not just a dream

Each face has a Name

And each Name is

Written in your Book

And yet as you see

Each Sparrow Fall

You let each of Your precious

Children Fall

Questioning

Scavenging

My tears won't end

Because my heart

Is breaking for So Many

But yet what's this

Feeling I have alongside

Intense Sorrow?

It's beauty

It's beauty of these

Exquisite Souls

I see them, I try to see them

As Yours

And I love them

But unlike you

I don't know what to do

So I wait

I hope alongside them

Cry with them

And fear each crack

In their hearts grows

Larger

Until nothing is left

Nothing is left

Except Us.

That's why

You've given me this

Indescribable gift

To hurt for the hurting

Because maybe

Your love has become

More real to me

in these Trying Times

And today I pray

to Your Spirit

To walk with Us

To carry our agonies

Our doubts

Questions

Our jumbled up

Nothingness

That sometimes comes

Out as tears

Or as blank stares

Or as empty smiles

Carry them with your

Wordless Groanings

To Heaven

Because we are Done

And the pain is too Much

But You've given Us

Each Other.

Free for the Moment

I've been enjoying a bit of freedom
From an uncontrollable power
That seems to bind me at the most random times
Where tears fall so often
It seems I should be crying
When my eyes are dry

I am sitting in a state of mind not too unfamiliar
A little separated from what is going on
But the sun shining in
Reminds me of hope
And faithfulness
Deliverance
From all these problems
The suffering of so many is not in my hands

I can only look to Him
And Him only
As I-not trudge-but triumphantly
Walk from one moment to the next
In a complex, confusing
But utterly beautiful, engaging, stunning world.

New Battleground

"Give ear to my words, O LORD,
consider my sighing,
Listen to my cry for help,
my King and my God
For to you I pray
In the morning, O LORD,
you hear my voice
In the morning I lay my requests
before you
and wait in expectation."
Psalm 5:1-3

LORD, help!
My heart is heavy
Mind all boggled with
Endless thoughts, ideas, aspirations, fears
I am so heavy laden.
I feel so bursting full

I do see beauty more than I ever have before
But I feel I've never been more
Overwhelmed
By thoughts, opinions,
That encourage, break down, accuse, question
Harrass, excite, enlighten, enrage, calm...

I can't get away from my racing brain
Just exacerbates any physical ailment
I have
And seems to be both the cause and
Result of my
Jumbling emotions.
I've always had anxiety-but never before-like this
The good turned bad
All these thoughts have gotten me
Excited passionate about things
But at the same time I feel
Eaten alive by scorpions
Stuck in a box with little air
They're crawling everywhere
I'm suffocating in my good ideas (and bad)
Because I don't know what to do
With them all

There is so much pain in the world
I feel lately I've tried to take it all on
I've been not only passionate to stop it but
Totally incapacitated because of my
Utter bewilderment as to what to do
And the realization of my total
Inability to make a difference

When my depression was severe
I could fully feel my own sorrow
And when presented with others' suffering
My choices were
To totally deny it
Or to add their pain to my badge of suffering
Therefore deepening my already gapened wounds
And rendering me even more pitiful
And helpless

Now, a new increasingly whole person,
I recognize the danger in
Suffering without action
But yet I am so weak
Daily presented with stats of rises in Swine Flu deaths
And percentages of those starving across the world

I refuse to let this news
Stick itself to my consciousness
And plague me with unwarranted
Selfishness and guilt
My heart has now flopped to my stomach
And I am raging inside
At injustice

Wondering why I am sitting
Inside a nice warm house
Belly full, hot coffee next to me
On my way to a well-paying job
And, I try to remember
To thank you,
But I am so dry.

Lord, hear my plea for freedom
I'll never go back to where I was
but I've entered a new Battleground

My Foundation

Life is a puzzle and each day...
A new gift
I am astounded at
How the world has changed
My very source of stability
Seems to have slipped
Like a gripless shoe on solid ice

I am reminded again
Of Trust
And Hope
So deep that your
Fingers are bleeding from all the
Effort of holding on
And the Knowledge
That there is only one Truth
To depend on another person
Or ideal can put an end to
Your sanity

I am aching for people
I love dearly
And those Who I don't yet know
I know I may seem close-minded to some
That my tried and true methods
Might seem rigid to Emergents
But I am one who lives and loves
Because of my experiences
The BitterSweetness the Savior
Has given to me
and the Love I can share because of
His Saving my Life
This priceless gift.

A Poem I Wrote

Here's a poem I wrote in High School.

Tuesday the Eleventh of September
A Poem of Remembrance
By Brittany R. Bettger
Written 9/16/01


Tuesday, the eleventh of September,
A horrific day that we’ll always remember.
Who knew this could happen?
Who could foretell?
As the towers collapsed
And the pentagon fell,
The words of our president rang in our heads like a bell:
“Whoever was behind this tragic attack
Will not succeed in this cowardly act.”


We’d never thought that our perfect lives in America could change.
It was evident afterwards that, yes, our lives would change
After seeing people crying amidst billows of smoke and debris,
Coming from the state that has always represented our liberty.


We grieve with the victims' families during this mournful hour.
A time when we feel our nation is slipping from its strength and its power.
It is hard to imagine their grief and their pain,
But something from their sensitive words, we can gain.
At a time of panic, calamity, and strife,
We are struck with the realization of what’s important in life.
The people we love may not be here for long, so please don’t wait
To tell them how much they mean to you or it might be too late.


After this day, it will be inevitably true:
We will question our safety and our freedom too.
How do we overcome such an event?
Will we ever live our lives the same again?
How do we get away from the hurt we feel?
Is it wrong to have fun again or to eat a nice meal
When others are dying, or lost or hurt?
Should we continue life as it was or constantly remain on high alert?


These questions we hope will be answered soon.
May we never forget those whose lives were ruined.
And as this gaping hole in our hearts once again becomes restored,
May this solemn and tragic day never be ignored.


We might never know what the future holds.
But right now is a time to pray and be bold.
Never forget what it means to be free,
To live in a place of joy and liberty.
Value the things you have and let loose the things you don’t need.
Know your friends and pray for your enemies.
Most of all, trust in the hope that our Lord will somehow make us see
That America will one day be all that it used to be.

Godly Sorrow

Something came over me
And now I can't take it back
I know I am forgiven
But if someone talked to me that way
I would be gone

I am so broken, torn, bleeding
Full of holes oozing with nothingness
I don't understand all of these problems
And the Devil continues to prowl
Trying to break the links of freedom and forgiveness

I don't know where to go
What's up down right left front back
But somehow I claim this promise of peace
And rest
In the waiting

We are both so broken and wretched
Yet so loved forgiven
It seems no matter how much I try
The worse I fall
The worse of a person I become
The ugliness I try to hide
Comes out with the ones I care for most
I feel I have no excuse
And the truths are mixed in with deceit

Will I ever become the one He wants me to be?
And why do relationships have to be this way?
Why do I always struggle for perfection when I know
It just leads to bondage and depression?
I will try to live my life in the questions
As always, hanging on each moment
Remembering small joys, small fragments of peace,
The times I hung on for dear life
Knowing I will never go back to
The darkness