Frustrated with Google and Blogger

Is there any blogger out there who can answer my questions???

1) I am quite frustrated right now with Google. I switched to a different gmail and have not figured out how to transfer my new blog with it. Instead my blog ONLY opens up under my old gmail address. (Hence, I constantly have to SIGN OUT of blogger and sign in AGAIN with my OLD EMAIL. ANNOYING!!!!!) I went online for an answer and they said you can add a blog to the "Contributors" section. Well, that did not help because I still cannot access my blog directly from my current "brittanybettger@gmail.com" account. HELP!

2) I am wondering if I should switch to wordpress. Is that better? Could I have all my stuff from this blog transfer to the new one? Any recommendations. Does anyone even read my blog???????????????

How Change Affects Me

I haven't written in a while because mostly, I think, what's the point? I barely understand myself, why should I even try to put it into words for other people to try and understand me, that is, IF people even read what I write.

I am an extremely sensitive person (Elaine Aron's book The Highly Sensitive Person is amazing, describes me well and has really made an impression on my life) and lately I have been very touched by life's changes.

I was talking to my counselor the other day and explaining how in the last couple weeks all this stuff happened: my bro Greg and sis-in-law Sarah suddenly had twins and moved from Texas to my neighborhood; my younger bro Tim came back suddenly from Germany for surgery and went back a few days ago; I got a teaching job for the fall; I am beginning grad school; my oldest brother Nate and his fiancée are getting married in a few months and want to start having kids ASAP; I found out my dog is dying and how that's affecting my parents is really tearing my up (not to mention how I already worry about them); within a few hours of each other, I found out a dear person in my life had a second miscarriage AND that a couple who I led youth with at my old church were involved in a horrific incident in which they were both shot (the wife died)...and it goes on.

Not to mention how much has happened over the last few years that I am still trying to get a handle on, both with me AND the people close to me in life. One thing with me is that I feel SO deeply and this has proven a blessing and curse.

I was so sick after hearing about my friend who lost his wife that I went through a phase (few days) of feeling guilty if I even tried to make myself happy. The thought: ("How is it okay that I am happy when my friend is suffering so much?") I struggle with this immensely when I hear of tragedies. That's why the news is so hard to watch. What's the point? I can DO NOTHING so I feel horrible and guilty a lot.

The good news: I have been feeling better after these incidences and have started to reframe my thoughts. I know my friends and loved ones wouldn't want me to suffer like that. And as my counselor said, we will all have horrific things in our life. That makes me remember when my brother Tim had his life-threatening motorcycle accident. While I felt the worst pain of my life, I felt I had a role so that's how I kept going. I knew I had to be there for my family. But with others' tragedies, I somehow feel it is my role to suffer because they are suffering and if I stop going crazy, then that is not fair to them.

I know it's messed up; that's what depression and anxiety can do to a person. (See how it's kind of an extreme form of empathy?) And I know it is spiritual too. My Lord doesn't want me to suffer this way and he can comfort people more than I ever could. That alone is a good thought and eases my burdens. Satan definitely wants me to be depressed about all these tragedies and wants to spur on all these lies in my head. Yes, yes I know all this. But for some reason, as I get older, I realize life isn't getting any better as far as bad news goes.

Jesus, can you please come back soon?

And now I am in over my head with the "sad state of American health care" (a new obsession: good or bad, I am not sure, but that's for another entry...)

My Wonderful Day

Many wonderful things have happened today this first day in weeks (?) of delightful sun. I had taken a deep dip inside of myself this past weekend and it was not fun. I cannot explain how the depression gripped me like an eagle's talons grabs its prey. I was overtaken by uncontrollable crying spells, horrible thoughts, painful and uncomfortable physical symptoms, and literally had a hard time breathing.

Thanks be to the LORD for a new day. I woke up and had an interview this morning and it went a lot better than anticipated! It was for a Spanish elementary teaching position-actually there are four positions available but they might combine a few because they are less than full time. But i am interested in taking them BECAUSE they are less than FT because i will be starting grad school. I would like to teach but I am very concerned about my mental and physical stability if I begin a brand new FT teaching job AND grad school! So we will see what God has in store. There were only 2 interviewers so not too intimidating. The questions were not hard. As anticipated one person asked me questions in Spanish and they were easily understood. I stumbled quite a bit (in my opinion). One of the questions in Spanish was to describe how to teach 2nd graders about a "Family" theme. Well, it just so happens that I did JUST THAT in Guatemala but to Mayan girls in English so i was able to show them an example of the puppets I used in the lesson! Even if my Spanish wasn't great, hopefully they are impressed. Anyway, they will narrow it down to 5 people (out of 10) for the 2nd interview-which will be with more people! So I should find out tomorrow if I made it to the next round. I would like to make home made thank you cards for the interviewers if I can keep this enthusiasm up!

After my interview, I came home and found that an electrician was working in my room so it had turned into a tornado. No worries. I grabbed my undergarments without him looking and changed from my suit coat into work out clothes to go for a walk on this gorgeous day. Then for about 5 minutes I got to talk to my friend Becca in El Paso who i haven't talked to in FOREVER. After a refreshing walk, I made myself a nice frozen drink with this amAAAZing goji berry juice i bought. The electrician had left so that gave me the opportunity to straighten and clean my room. Then my roomie Jenn and I went to the library where it was horrendously busy with all the kids on summer break and an in-house juggler. I got some yoga videos, a yoga book and a book called the Sugar Solution.

We then went to my favorite store ever Fresh & Natural Foods where I bought stuff to make a delightfully yummy organic (mostly) gluten free pasta salad. So that's what I did when I got home AFTER mowing the front yard even though the mower made me so annoyed that I cursed at it (really loudly because I had my music blaring on my ipod). After making the pasta, I blared the rock music on pandora and cleaned and sanitizing while squashing tiny little black ants in the process (they have now somehow gotten up in my cupboard and have found my organic ginger and honey!)

Now my pasta salad is cooling. It is for my small group get- together tonight--with some of my best friends in the world. Anyway, it has been a great day so far. (I even had a headache and it went away!)

Trip Down Memory Lane

Lately I have been in good spirits, thanks be to God. The last few weeks I have been enjoying a variety of substitute teaching assignments! As this is one of the last few days of school, there is a LOT going on in the schools, so it has been exciting to be a part of end of year activities. Today and tomorrow I am subbing for a high school band teacher. This particular district is one of my favorites in which to sub. Unfortunately the teacher has some health concerns and cannot be here today OR tomorrow. I was reluctant at first to pick up the job, but it's been fun so far. It has definitely brought back a TON of wonderful memories from high school.

For me high school was NOT one of my favorite times of life. But what DID keep me going was the music I was involved in at school, particularly choir. It was such a cultural experience. I learned and laughed and had more fun than in any other classes. I got really close to some people since we had done music together since 7th grade. That's what I am reminded of here. Students just come in to the room and go as they please. You can tell they really have built a relationship with the teacher. I remember the choir room being my "safe haven" in high school. I would come in and eat my lunch there, do my homework and, of course, practice piano on the nice pianos!

I have the privilege of observing a combined rehearsal this morning of their big end of the year concert for graduation. Also, he has students coming in for lessons which I get to observe/listen, that is, IF they show up! I just talked to one graduating senior who told me today is her last day of school and she is having bittersweet feelings. Also, she will be going to Bethel where I attended! So it was positive.

That's what I love about what I do. I get to meet so many people. Who knows if I will ever see them again. But I am changed by individuals who I meet and these wonderful varying experiences God has given me! I hope I have made a small difference in the lives maybe a few of these kids (and adults) with whom I have worked!

A New Way to Live

As you can see I changed my blog title and "About Me." More about that later (or maybe you will begin to understand after this entry).

I have been in a weird place lately, physically and spiritually, and consequently, emotionally. Last Saturday at church, I felt God telling me to go up and get prayer which, of course, I was very nervous about doing. After a kind man name Lawrie/Lori prayed for me, I guess I didn't know what to expect. Sudden restoration?

You may be wondering exactly what it is that is bothering me. Well, overall I am doing pretty well. But there is one thing that I have been obsessed with lately: food. No I don't overeat or nor am I concerned about my weight. After reading a book called The Food Allergy Cure by Dr. Ellen Cutler and talking with my friend Becca and others with food sensitivities I have determined I am doing something wrong with me eating. I have struggled my entire life with headaches, for almost 10 years with depression, and for many years with other things, so I thought, why not go gluten free? But it has turned into an obsession. (As always, whenever I want to do something potentially good it gets out of control as my thoughts/obsessions become uncontrollable).

Anyway, I am reading this book by Larry Crabb and naturally the title is appealing. My whole life is about pressure, basically due to perfectionism, with which I have a love/hate relationship. I am always trying to do things right at all times. NOw it has to do with food. Well, anyway, Crabb is not necessarily a great writer but his book is simple and to the point. His basic point is "There's a New Way to live" in which we are not contstantly striving, trying to find all the answers, trying to find causes for everything, trying to be perfect. BUT I am still trying to figure out what the New Way is he talks about (I am little over half way through the book). He basically has said thus far that we need to make Christ our number one priority-easily said, obviously. (Ironically, Crabb seems to present the "answer" to our problems when in the first place, he says we shouldn't be seeking the answers!)

He talks about how we are taking advantage of Christ when we have an "If/then" mindset, "If I do these things, You will then deliver me out of this problem, give me this blessing, etc." This all is simply stated and makes sense. But my question is, God is not going to blatantly say, "Brittany, you have these food sensitivities." I need to to use the brain he gave me to find the answers! Right? I feel this is in my power like I could possibly find the answer to my problems, particularly depression which has created all my other problems, I believe.

Maybe some people reading this might think, Why is she so concerned about all this? I do sound kind of obsessed with myself. But I have come to realize the importance of our bodies and how for me personally, everything I eat contributes to my mood, physical symptoms, etc. But maybe I have taken it too far. Should I just accept my depression as part of life? As I thought I already had. But after reading the Food Allergy book, I thought, "What if..." What if something I have been eating my whole life is causing it? In Crabb's mind, I maybe should not be searching for the answer.

I think there is some sort of middle ground here. But I am so stuck as always in my black-and-white, all-or-nothing thoughts.

Then there's the whole gluten-free (or low gluten) I have tried to do for the past few days. I am quite irritated because nothing has really changed. In fact, it may have gotten worse. Yesterday and today I experienced INTENSE sudden fatigue after having gotten good rest the night before. And have been having headaches almost every day for two weeks now. Anyway, I am sure nothing's wrong, but the GF has not improved anything, plus I can't afford this diet and I miss bread too much.

I am Applying to Grad School!

Personal Statement
St Marys Graduate School of Arts Application
Masters of Arts in Special Education
By Brittany Bettger

Hello! My name is Brittany Bettger. After graduating from Bethel University in 2006, I taught two years in St. Paul Public Schools. I also have one and a half years’ experience substitute teaching in a variety of Twin Cities’ school districts.

During the 2008-09 school year I taught kindergarten at Riverview West Side School of Excellence in St. Paul. The majority of the students in my classroom came from non-English speaking homes, six had Academic Intervention Plans, and several were on IEPs. With this diverse population of students, I taught with the school-wide Success for All (SFA) program, creating a variety of learning centers that met district requirements. With the assistance of my teacher mentors, I established and monitored my own style of classroom management that included daily progress reports and a variety of whole class reward systems.

My interest in a special education program comes from many sources. As a new teacher in the St. Paul school district, I was a classroom teacher with many needy students. My preferred teaching context as a Special Education educator is a personalized, small group setting. I also appreciate opportunities to continue relationships with individual students over the course of several years. Teaching special education students would allow me more opportunities to teach in these preferred ways.

Secondly, during my years as a classroom and substitute teacher, I had the pleasure of working alongside special education teachers and paraprofessionals. At Riverview, because of the needs of my students, I was in constant communication with the school social worker, special education teacher, and speech teacher. I also met occasionally with the district psychologist and the occupational therapist. Observing and learning from the amazing work of these professionals have inspired me to become a special education teacher.

Another reason I desire to earn a degree in Special Education is that I have a deep passion and interest in people who struggle with developmental and cognitive disabilities. Presently, I work for two different companies, ACR Homes, Inc. and Lifeworks where I have the pleasure of assisting adults with disabilities in their home environment. As a personal care attendant, I assist the residents with daily cares, nutrition, medications, leisure activities, and goal setting. I have learned so much from these individuals and I look forward to expanding my experience to include children with disabilities.

My biggest strengths as a human being and a teacher are empathy, compassion and sensitivity. I have a keen ability to experience another’s emotions alongside him or her. Because of my sensitive nature, I am able to see an individual’s need and take action to meet this need. Additional attributes to describe me are dedicated and conscientious. I work to the fullest of my ability to accomplish tasks laid before me. Finally, I am a reflective, self-aware person. In my daily life, I am very conscious of my decisions and how they affect others. I am constantly monitoring my actions, looking for ways that I can learn from my mistakes and become a better person.

One area where I would like to develop greater strengths and abilities is in my self-confidence. I often have creative ideas, but would like to develop greater strength in sharing these ideas with others. Another skill I would like to develop is the ability to balance my hard-working, analytical nature with a more at-ease, intentional temperament. While it is important to accomplish tasks, I do not want my to-do list to infringe on my chance at a stronger relationship with someone, which is of utmost value in life.

A personal element I would like to share involves my tenure at ACR Homes, Inc. When I began working for ACR in 2004, I didn’t realize how radically I would change. The residents with whom I worked at the group home taught me so much about the beautiful and simple things in life. I learned to let go of the things that worried me and focus on them and what made them joyful. My character was greatly strengthened over the course of my time at the home. I became a more giving and loving person and more grateful for all the things in life I take for granted. My experience at ACR Homes has helped me realize what my life’s work is: to share my compassion and creativity with others while also gaining wisdom from them. A career in Special Education is a step I would like to take toward reaching this dream.

Is Escaping Wrong?

It's been forever since I have written. Frankly, a blank page scares me because that's when I have to really think deeply. And I am terrified of what I know is there when I look inside myself. Since I am tired I am going to borrow a bit from a journal recently I wrote about what is going on with me.

I am making myself write because I don't want to. At least I think I don't. I don't look forward to confronting the stuff that is happening inside this brain. Lately I've been getting by with my addictions, namely my novel reading. I love getting lost in the characters' problems. I love forgetting myself by going to another world. I know this isn't wrong to a degree. I've been reading Jodi Piccoult, whose books deal with intense, moral and controversial issues. Hard to put down! She covers themes like self-esteem, popularity, dysfunctional families (whose isn't?), grief, loss, revenge, redemption, betrayal and faith/spirituality. I've learned a lot from her books and I look forward to reading them each day.

But I often feel ashamed or guilty because the themes are so heavy and I tend to become rather anti-social when I read a really good novel (or am otherwise immersed in something deep and passionate, like card-making or writing for example). I don't like coming back to real life because I always know what's going to happen. Lately, I feel guilty because I am not practicing my mindfulness or "with it" skills. That and I am beating myself up for not reading the Bible or having a "quiet time." (What does that mean anyway????) Reading these books has kept me "safe." By that I mean, less bad thoughts, because I am frankly thinking less about my own problems. But it also means, I feel very out of sync. Like I am not even really alive. And that I've been treating others in my life poorly.

I tried to take a break in between the last novel I finished and the current one. So for two days I forced myself to read my Creativity/spirituality book and write in my journal. And it just made me mad and anxious.

The reason I am escaping has to do with, as I said, my thoughts. They are not fun.

As a rule, I try to moderate everything that I do. I am always concerned that I am doing everything right (not too much of this, not too little of that.) I know, I hate that about me but I am not about to start judging my judging, so I will accept that my perfectionism makes me ugly at times but try to accept it.

But I will also thank God for his good and wonderful gifts of creative people who write engaging stories...and many other things. And trust that He loves me no less if I happen to be annoyed with Christian judgements going on in my head, so much to the point that I am resentful of He Himself and the Bible itself. (More on this in another entry).

Well, I am going to go to bed now.