Where is my hope?

The other day I had a nice post written about my measly self and life. I thought, "Oh this is actually pretty good. I should save it just in case." But I didn't. Then the power suddenly went out. So much for that.

I am hurting for loved ones right now. Especially my beautiful cousin Becca who lost her third baby. I can't imagine what pain she must feel so I am crying out to God to comfort her like no one can. Then there's my friend Kat whose brother was murdered a week ago. I was reading some tributes to her brother Leo this morning. He was only 22 years old. I just can't believe what kind of f'ed up world we live in. And I am trying to hang on to hope. If not for me, at least for my sweet dear cousin who doesn't deserve any of this crap. Or for a family whose wonderful brother and son was violently, tragically ripped from their lives...

I was feeling pain earlier. But now it's deadness. Like it's not even me writing. I don't really know if I am sad. Because it is kind of no emotions. None of the stress I am dealing with can compare to the pain of these two wonderful women and the people closest to them. But comparing doesn't help I suppose.

I don't really want to talk about me and my drama with messed up relationships and lack of knowledge of self.

When listening to some of my favorite songs, I, like I often do, wondered: Do I even believe this? "He has been there before/He will be there again" and other songs with a similar Jesus-will-never-forsake-you theme. Sometimes I wonder if I am Christian, because when Greg Boyd (my pastor) says to imagine Jesus in your head, I can't. How am I supposed to know what he looked like? And I wonder if maybe Jews could get into heaven even they don't believe in Jesus. That makes me feel like a heretic.

I want to turn the world off and focus on hope and life. The only way I can do that is if I have Someone to hope in. For all my life, I've hoped in Christ because I was told to; I always wondered if I was doing it right. I don't want to hope because I'm told to. I want to hope because it's all I can do. I don't know if it's my own evil self or something evil putting thoughts in my head that I can't trust Jesus. Because look at all the people that kill themselves who were Christians...

Okay sorry for that tangent. It's like this: I trust God but Jesus is kind of distant. I know they are one and the same and Jesus is supposed to be "God visible" but I don't feel that. All I see is his Awesomeness in nature and his Beauty in people. I don't feel Him right now in this moment. Jesus. Sitting next to me as I cry for everyone who is hurting, yelling at Him: Where are you?????

My Life Right Now

I haven't fallen off the face of the earth, but I have been busier than I can remember being in many years.

I had been doing really well, confident, joyful, and positive amidst my stress and busyness of life. Until the last few days. I could go into detail about why I think that is...but what's the point?

I woke up this morning to a very disturbing text. The brother of a friend of mine was murdered in Minneapolis by one of his tenants. I am very sad and pained to hear this. What kind of f'ed up world do we live in, I wonder sometimes? I don't even know how to pray for Kat and her family. Please pray for the Kohorst family if you think of it.

I also seemed to be doomed to fail at my relationships with men. I have been suffering a lot in this regard. But I am trying to get my mind off of it.

In a more positive light, I am enjoying my teaching job as a part time elementary Spanish teacher. It's crazy of course, because I have to plan the curriculum myself (with some help from other Spanish teachers in the district) but I am SO blessed to finally have a community to call my own and a principal who actually supports me and believes in me, rather than the opposite (like my last teaching job). Oh not to mention students who I actually can teach and who I enjoy teaching! God thank you for this amazing job!

Grad school is a little discouraging. I am not even sure if I want to do special education anymore and with the days getting shorter and my depression setting in again, I don't know if I can handle the stress of school and work (not to mention all the other crap). So who knows...

I am off work today and tomorrow. It's so nice to have a break. My roomie and I are going shopping so that's exciting. I will try to post more...if there's ever time!

Much love to all (even if you don't read this)!

New Things

My mind is busy as always. The last two weekends were pretty fun. I went to IL to see family. Got to stay with my beloved cousin, Becca and her husband Dan. It was refreshing to get away. Then, on Monday, my first day of Teacher Workshop Week, a really bad cold hit, from which I am still recovering.

My parents came this past weekend, as well as some friends from out of town. Although a little overwhelmed with thoughts and discussions with my parents about theology, my weekend was, for the most part, refreshing.

Tomorrow I start my first day of teaching at my new job. I also started my Special Ed grad program last week. Lots of thoughts are floating around about faith, God, and Christianity; getting back into teaching; people with disabilities and why I decided to go into special education; depression/mental health; my upcoming trip to OR for my brother's wedding; relationships with friends; and an important decision I must make about a particular relationship with a good friend who happens to be a guy.

I am feeling mostly at peace about all of these new things. But the dreariness outside has put me in a strange mood. I feel tranquility that is on the edge of a kind of nothingness, blah-ness. I want to be ready for my week but it's like there is a strange something blocking my path toward awareness. I would like to get out of this funk but I am not sure where to turn or what to do.

Smile

This is me and Ru (short for "Rufus") the dog I am taking care of. He makes me smile with his wagging tail and crazy excitement for life. The family he is a part of is such a great family and I smile thinking about them too. I hope they are enjoying their vacation. Their daughter Maddie is a wonderful young woman I PCA for (I talked about her on a different post.)

I am feeling awake and rejuvenated unlike last evening. MY body is ripping apart realizing the days are getting shorter. I know it could have been due to thunderstorms going through, but seriously yesterday it was dark already at 8 pm. :( It's amazing what my neurotransmitters do when the sun goes down at the end of each day.

This morning Ru and I got a nice walk in. I am not used to big dogs but luckily the leader collar helps. Sometimes he'll suddenly lurk forward in pursuit of a squirrel; there was one close call.

I feel very proud of myself because I have been getting ready for the fall by lesson planning (yes, already!) This morning I received an email with the "Specialist's schedule" (Specialists are non-classroom teachers like Art, Music, PE, and Spanish-me). IT looks like there are 4 first grade classes and 3 classes of grades 2-5. Whew! But the nice thing is I will only have them for 30 minutes at a time. Each class will see me every 2 to 3 days. I am really starting to (allow myself to) get excited.

Probably my biggest struggle in life is allowing myself to experience joy, excitement and fun. It has a lot to do with my melancholy personality. I am more of a negative person, but of course I can be quite positive too. I am also quite hard on myself and I hate to fail. Plus, change is hard for anyone, but especially me it seems. So that's why this new job and grad school coming up are scary.

In my struggles with loneliness, worry and physical discomfort lately, I have been feeling even more drawn to my Savior and the Healer of my body. I have met Him primarily through music. One of my favorite artists is Meredith Andrews. All of her songs are amazing. I especially love "Can Anybody Hear Me?" It speaks to me because it's just how I feel. I'll share it with you:

I’m staring at these empty walls
Wondering when You’ll visit me again
When will You come?
If there is anything at all
Coming in between our love
Please show me, ‘cuz I am barely hanging on

Can anybody hear me?
The silence is deafening
Why do You feel so far away?
When I know You’re here with me
But I just need faith to see
Nothing can separate me from Your love

Believing what I can’t see
Has never come naturally to me
And I’ve got questions
But I am certain of a Love
Strong enough to hold me when I’m doubting
You’ll never let go of my hand

Can anybody hear me?
The silence is deafening
Why do You feel so far away?
When I know You’re here with me
But I just need faith to see
Nothing can separate me from Your love

I will trust in You, even in the moments
I can’t find you, and I will hold on to
Your promises of love
You’ve never failed before

I know You can hear me
When the silence is deafening
Even though You seem far away
And I know You’re here with me
But I just need faith to see
Nothing can separate me from Your love

Hope you were blessed by these words. Now off to to see my beloved niece, nephew, bro and sis-in-law! Oh how I love them.

Lonely but at Peace

A few weeks ago I had the deepest feelings of loneliness I remembered having in a very long time. I cried and cried my heart out to God. I did feel sad but it didn't feel like depression as much as just this aching emptiness. I was supposed to go to this event with a friend and she backed out of it at the last minute. It was a "Wellness Picnic" hosted by the chiropractor/wellness place I go to. And it was too last minute to ask anyone else, beside the fact that not very people in my life are interested in this sort of thing. For almost nine weeks I have battled internally if I should even be going to this place. Since I started going my anxiety and OCD tendencies (obsessive thoughts) have gotten way worse. I have been extremely ambivalent and pulled in two different directions, wondering if on the one hand I am going overboard with my health concerns (that are now obsessions) but yet wanting to take care of this body God has given me and seek solace and freedom from my many maladies. I have felt utterly ALONE in this process because everyone in my life is on one side of the fence or the other (the majority thinking this place has made me more anxious and obsessed and I should stop going).

SO the Saturday of the picnic when my friend (my one "health nut" friend who lives nearby) backed out, I was torn. My parents were in town and I knew I'd see them tomorrow but felt I "should" be with them instead of going to some thing where I didn't know anyone. I did end up going and it was okay. The talk on "Spine Fitness" was good and I picked up some tips. But I didn't meet anyone my age in my situation as I'd hoped. In fact there weren't very many people there at all. I quickly got over my extreme sadness after the event and during work at the group home that evening.

But I still struggle with this intense loneliness off and on. Mostly due to this health battle, depression/anxiety battle, and what faith/God has to say about it. Feel quite misunderstood and discouraged by both the people who seem to know me and care about me best AND by these new people who I feel have some hidden knowledge and I'm struggling whether or not to trust them. Also because I don't have a significant other with which to share these intense struggles. :(

I don't feel lonely very often because I am an introvert. Being alone is something I love. Even when I was seriously dating I had to be alone many nights a week (this drives a boyfriend mad, I realize.) I am so dragged down when I am around lots of noise, commotion, and chaos also because I am an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) (See one of my links to right if you're wondering what that is.)

A blog friend of mine said to talk about my birthday party. I wanted to put up pics but I am house sitting so I don't have them handy. I had a really crazy weekend (half of the events I'd planned ended up being cancelled due to a 3-day migraine--my body's way of telling me "too much!" I suppose). But Sunday I was feeling better and had a birthday get together at a nearby place called Chatterbox Pub (I planned the event myself). I had written to God in my journal earlier, "I am going to have caffeine and maybe a little alcohol because I want to be like my outgoing, extroverted friends." And, being that I am extremely sensitive to caffeine because I no longer have it, my one cup of tea had me wired for the evening! We had a great time. I couldn't believe about twenty of my friends showed up. Less than two years and a few months ago, I knew only two of these people. I am very blessed that God directed me to the church I am at now (Woodland Hills) and these wonderful people. We had yummy food, played games and of course the best part: karaoke! Only a very few people were actually interested so that was a bummer, but we still had a good time. After there was only me and few people left, we decided to leave, but I still felt insatiable like I wished I could keep singing the whole night. I knew it had to do with caffeine and my love for singing, but this energy and desire kind of scared me. That night I ended up awake until 4:30 a.m. the next day but I didn't even have a migraine the next day. Thank you God!

During my party I didn't have any of the obsessions about food or health and really was able to relax with my wonderful friends. Even the food I had didn't affect me negatively (like most restaurant food does). Hallelujah!

After that night, I felt a bit of a let down. Because as always I was searching for something to fill me up. Of course it wasn't wrong to go out and have fun...but I can't really get into that here. I spent a few days with my parents in WI and that was good. Now I am house/dog-sitting for some friends of mine and again feel kind of lonely but at the same time glad to have it quiet and relax some.

Lots of thoughts and some neck and hand pain (from typing) but I am so glad to be at peace now.

Alone

A beautiful song that has really spoken to me the last few days and weeks. (All of Meredith Andrews' songs are amazing.)

You're Not Alone
~Meredith Andrews

I search for love
When the night came and it closed in
I was alone
but you found me where I was hiding
and now I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name
saying

You're not alone
for I am here
let me wipe away your every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the one who's loved you all your life
All of your life

You cry yourself to sleep
cause the hurt is real
and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost
With heartache your closest friend
and everyone else long gone

You've had to face the music on your own
but there is a sweeter song that calls you home
saying

You're not alone
for I am here
let me wipe away your every tear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest nights
And I'm the one who's loved you all your life
All your life

Faithful and true... Forever
For my love will carry you....

You're not alone
for I... I am here
let me wipe away every fear... Oh yeah
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through your darkest night
Your darkest night
And I'm the one who's loved you all your life
All of your life

Frustrated with Google and Blogger

Is there any blogger out there who can answer my questions???

1) I am quite frustrated right now with Google. I switched to a different gmail and have not figured out how to transfer my new blog with it. Instead my blog ONLY opens up under my old gmail address. (Hence, I constantly have to SIGN OUT of blogger and sign in AGAIN with my OLD EMAIL. ANNOYING!!!!!) I went online for an answer and they said you can add a blog to the "Contributors" section. Well, that did not help because I still cannot access my blog directly from my current "brittanybettger@gmail.com" account. HELP!

2) I am wondering if I should switch to wordpress. Is that better? Could I have all my stuff from this blog transfer to the new one? Any recommendations. Does anyone even read my blog???????????????