Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy Love (and Joy) Day!

I have not written in a while and I don't know if it matters much, but I guess I will share a little bit of my heart. God has shown up in so many powerful ways...extremely visibly ways in my life the last couple weeks. Sometimes I just do not feel worthy of all of His blessings. Among my trillion other thoughts, I've been wondering, why now? After so many years of depression and now for the first time in 9 years I am Rx free...I feel like my depression is perhaps behind me. I had a rough few weeks of withdrawal because that's really what it is... I think I am finally free of every one of those tiny white beads-it has now been three weeks! I don't know if I can say I am depression-free. I am tempted every day to go back to the darkness, especially with all the stress I am under that always affects me emotionally. Sometimes I don't even believe I had an illness, that it was all in my head. But I have been reading some of my old journals and I know it WAS real. I am in TOTAL AWE of our AWESOME GOD in seeing how far He has brought me! I've been struggling with this thought: did I contribute to my healing or is it selfish to think that? I have been working hard to stay healthy-physically, emotionally and spiritually-and I know that for many years, I was too ignorant to make quality decisions about my health. I wonder, if I had made better decisions, would I have not been struck with depression. Did the meds even do anything for me? But I guess it does not help to analyze it. Even if I did make good decisions, God has been my strength in making them and I praise him with all that I am.

There's so much more on my heart. As I said, depression is a huge temptation in my life-my tendencies toward anxiety, negativity and a bitter, critical spirit are things I have been working on. It seems every minute I have to stop and refocus my's hard to explain. I want to continue basking in the wonderful gifts God has given me...why did he allow my depression to ease among tons of other blessings? I am not a special person. Why now and not many years ago? And what about everyone in my life who is struggling. I continue to try and take on their burdens and discount every good gift I have received. Because of guilt usually. I don't feel worthy of joy and happiness a lot of times. I somehow continue to believe that lie and the lie that if others are struggling, I don't care about them if I am rejoicing in my blessings. Through God's strength and truth and with my counselor's help I am able to accept the truth: I am worthy of joy. And God wants me to be joyful! As easy as that is for some people, I have always struggled to believe that. I thought maybe He's preferred me somber and sad, thinking of everyone in the world (including myself) who is suffering. I can think of them...but then let them go into our Savior's hand. After all, He is the Savior not me. And He does not need me but He can use me...

I hope you have enjoyed this special day with people you are close to, and especially that you never forget how much you are loved! Thanks for listening, whoever you are.