Sunday, March 27, 2011

Monday, March 14, 2011


I keep deleting what I am going to say. I took a free Enneogram thingy last night and I think I am number 4: "The Individualist" which could explain why I rarely write on here or share my true self with that many people:

The Individualist: The introspective, romantic type. Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity. At their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.

Who knows if anyone reads this. While I write, I simultaneously and desperately hope and fear that people will read this.

I am in Wausau, Wisconsin visiting my parents. In the last few days, old things have come in to haunt me. In many ways I am healthy, thanks be to the Only One who can turn Ugliness into Beauty. I praise my Savior for changing me, even though I highly doubt anyone in my life really notices. For the first time in 9 years, I am not on an antidepressant and have felt more emotionally and physically healthy than I can ever remember! (Although maybe not a lot of people realize it because I unfortunately tend to complain a least I am aware of it!)

Despite my freedom (overall) from depression, things from my past still have their wretched claws gripping my heart. It seems everywhere I look I hear and see babies, engagement rings, people kissing, and white dresses. Is that ever going to be me? I feel like a few different people because while I have no desire to date and could not imagine having a couple of kids and being forced to cook and clean for a man...I am aching to at least HAVE THE OPTION of doing those things. And I don't. At least at the age I am now...because if any of that happens I know in my heart it won't be for at least 5 years. What's wrong with that you might ask. Most of the time, I encourage myself with that very thought: "It's not too late." and "It WILL happen for you. It just may be ten years later than you've always dreamed." But then some weird thing inside me says, "Look at how you have failed. It won't happen." Then my combating answer, "You're right-it won't if I keep repeating history. But with God's hand, there will be a miracle. I will learn how to love." (Because that's what I think the problem is with me and men. Granted I know, I am not totally to blame in my failed relationships but there's one common denominator in all of them: me. And for some reason I can't love a guy because of all my negative thoughts toward him and it needs to change!)

I feel like I am going in circles. Today in my personal journal I was reflecting on how I don't want to open my past because it's too painful, but yet I NEED to in order to figure out what my problem is...because it will just come out and continue to haunt me if/when I decide to date again (it already does and I'm not even dating).

I felt like I was getting closer to being free of this lie that my self-worth is dependent on my marital status. Overall, I am. But the last few week old memories have fluttered in (being in my hometown does not always help) and I've been feeling angry at myself for not being "over this" and content with who I am. But does being content mean stuffing the crap in your closet? In comparison to what others in my life are dealing with and the disaster in Japan, why would anyone freaking care about my problems?

If you don't see this posted, it's because I deleted it. I am "withholding [myself] from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective" but hopefully one day I won't be this way.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy Love (and Joy) Day!

I have not written in a while and I don't know if it matters much, but I guess I will share a little bit of my heart. God has shown up in so many powerful ways...extremely visibly ways in my life the last couple weeks. Sometimes I just do not feel worthy of all of His blessings. Among my trillion other thoughts, I've been wondering, why now? After so many years of depression and now for the first time in 9 years I am Rx free...I feel like my depression is perhaps behind me. I had a rough few weeks of withdrawal because that's really what it is... I think I am finally free of every one of those tiny white beads-it has now been three weeks! I don't know if I can say I am depression-free. I am tempted every day to go back to the darkness, especially with all the stress I am under that always affects me emotionally. Sometimes I don't even believe I had an illness, that it was all in my head. But I have been reading some of my old journals and I know it WAS real. I am in TOTAL AWE of our AWESOME GOD in seeing how far He has brought me! I've been struggling with this thought: did I contribute to my healing or is it selfish to think that? I have been working hard to stay healthy-physically, emotionally and spiritually-and I know that for many years, I was too ignorant to make quality decisions about my health. I wonder, if I had made better decisions, would I have not been struck with depression. Did the meds even do anything for me? But I guess it does not help to analyze it. Even if I did make good decisions, God has been my strength in making them and I praise him with all that I am.

There's so much more on my heart. As I said, depression is a huge temptation in my life-my tendencies toward anxiety, negativity and a bitter, critical spirit are things I have been working on. It seems every minute I have to stop and refocus my's hard to explain. I want to continue basking in the wonderful gifts God has given me...why did he allow my depression to ease among tons of other blessings? I am not a special person. Why now and not many years ago? And what about everyone in my life who is struggling. I continue to try and take on their burdens and discount every good gift I have received. Because of guilt usually. I don't feel worthy of joy and happiness a lot of times. I somehow continue to believe that lie and the lie that if others are struggling, I don't care about them if I am rejoicing in my blessings. Through God's strength and truth and with my counselor's help I am able to accept the truth: I am worthy of joy. And God wants me to be joyful! As easy as that is for some people, I have always struggled to believe that. I thought maybe He's preferred me somber and sad, thinking of everyone in the world (including myself) who is suffering. I can think of them...but then let them go into our Savior's hand. After all, He is the Savior not me. And He does not need me but He can use me...

I hope you have enjoyed this special day with people you are close to, and especially that you never forget how much you are loved! Thanks for listening, whoever you are.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Random Thoughts During my School Day

I am feeling quite discouraged by everything around me. I've tried to ask for help. My anxiety has decreased and now this blanket of sadness…if I close my eyes and just allow my emotions to take over, I probably would not be able to contain these tears. Outside the snow falls soft, barely there. That’s how I feel: barely there. I’m not going down into the hole. It’s almost like I am at peace in this sadness because I am not alone. There’s a woman at my school who I’m really worried about. I wish I could tell her how I feel, how I know how it is. I’m still recovering from the black days, from the time where hope was buried so deep there was no way to unleash it. When breathing was a task. So much of a task I didn’t even realize it. I can’t talk to her…yet. I don’t even really know her yet my heart is breaking when I can sense her desperation.

And there’s the students. And this occupation. Everyone’s talking about it. Why are we in this field again? Does what we do make any sort of difference? Sometimes I am so disconnected from what I always that I was, what I could do. I sit and stare at my class of kids and think, this is what I always wanted. So why do I feel empty, so utterly barren in the depths behind my shaken heart. I almost get to the point I want to be. I can feel excitement build, anticipation because my real creative loving self is trying so desperately to be the teacher I always dreamed I’d be. But then frustration which, thank God, does not lead to rage like it once did. But rather disenchantment. I just sit there and all my hope is extinguished because these kids are so needy, desperate, searching, hungry. The way they express this is with their disrespect, their disruptiveness, their meanness to classmates, their obnoxious comments and actions. I do not feel anger toward them. Just sadness for them, their classmates, me. There’s something missing in their lives that makes them think they can do whatever they want. And as every day passes, it only seems to get worse. That kids are becoming harder and harder to teach because of their messed up home lives, our poisoned environment. The questions about why children are the way they are…as compared to a few decades (even a few years) ago…they never end. My mind is bleeding trying to catch my breath, fill up my spirit with answers.

Oh God sometimes I cannot breathe in this world. I am so desperate for your healing. The people around me don’t realize how desperate they are for Your touch, Your life. Especially these innocent kids. But the world just gets worse and worse. I don’t know for sure why I have chosen teaching as a career. It has rarely been what I always dreamed it would be. But I’m not sure I would be confronted with a different picture of the world if I had a different career. In fact, I know I wouldn’t. The world is messed up. The older I get, the more I realize it and the more I long for heaven.

Behind every smile, I see tears and the realness behind the plastic. I want to believe the person is really happy. Maybe he or she is or maybe they think they are. I’m not sure my sadness is really wrong yet. It hasn’t brought me to a blackness where I can’t think about going on. I praise God for my ability to get up when I’m down, which I couldn’t do just a few years ago. And there’s so much to thank Him for in this job. I’m not trying to just survive anymore…I am really working on myself. I generally have hope…well, lately it has been slipping a bit. But I remind myself of all the things working against me that affect my outlook: my history of serious depression, getting off my meds, it’s winter and this is when I’m usually the lowest, my stress levels, and more. The fact that I am still this positive makes me marvel at how God is working through me.

I don’t feel I am getting out what I wanted to say. I guess when talking with (listening to) some of my coworkers this morning, I realized everyone’s having similar thoughts as me but they only let their guard down just a bit. It’s easy to see how they use good things-humor, friendships, food, etc.- to boost themselves up, to cover up what’s really going on, which I think is good-something I need to do more. Otherwise these teachers wouldn’t be able to do their job. They would end up in the hospital like me.

But I just feel for them…for the students too and wish You could do some sort of miracle to help us out of our misery, to clear up this devastating confusion, to wipe the tears, to instill strength, inspiration.

Love and dedication is not enough. I cannot change these kids’ circumstances with just these. Nothing is changing it seems. But I want to believe what I am doing is making some small difference.

I am kind of going through the motions when it comes to my job. I plan and plan and it seems all this agonizing does nothing. No matter the kids’ behaviors, I still tend to blame myself…Don’t really want to get into this. Maybe I can observe some of the other Spanish teachers to get some inspiration.

I am down but not defeated. If anything I feel kind of comfortable underneath my blanket of sadness.

I want to do more than just long for heaven in this life. I live here right now so teach me what that means. Is this world ugly or beautiful? Beautiful because it is Yours and You are in control. Beautiful because of the beautiful people I meet and engage with every day. Your creations. Beautiful because of the colors, the skies that take my breath away. The crisp white against a spectacular blue sky. Winter’s hues are truly amazing. When I can soak in these beauties, I can escape the other reality. The reality of ugliness. This reality seeps into my conscious and invades my veins and I can barely breathe because of the stench. Somehow we are to live and breathe in the moment. And that moment is in this hideous world, where somehow I am still able to see indescribable beauty. I can feel indescribable pain at the same moment as I sense unfathomable peace and security. Lord, help me live in Your love in this dichotomous world, hanging onto hope despite an aching heart, shaky spirit and downtrodden soul.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

2010 in Retrospect

I know I haven't written in a while... Here's a little about my year.

1. what did you do this past year that you’d never done before?
a. went ice skating! (March)
b. became an Auntie to Callum and Corryn (June)
c. started a grad school program (Aug)
d. became an elementary Spanish teacher (Aug)
e. became extra concerned about my health
f. tried a gluten free diet (among many other diets)
g. began seeing a chiropractor regularly
h. was part of an untraditional but beautiful wedding of my dear brother Nate and sis-in-law Kat on the Oregon coast! (Sep)
i. saw the West coast (Sep)
i. did not buy material gifts for Christmas and (mostly) didn’t feel guilty about it

2. did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I did not explicitly make a resolution but it was probably something about being healthier physically, emotionally and spiritually and I think I have achieved those goals! (Of course I have a LONG way to go!)

3. did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes! Dallas & Brandon = Jacob (March); Zach & Beth = Jude (April); Greg and Sarah = Callum & Corryn; Bethany & Jesus = Armando (Oct.)

4. did anyone close to you die?
a friend of mine died last week. She was a wonderful woman with disabilities I had the pleasure of working with for several years. I am so glad she is free of pain and in peace now but we will miss her dearly!

There were several tragic deaths of people extremely close to some of my friends and family members. It was and still is very hard to see my loved ones go through these painful losses.

5. what countries did you visit?
Just the west coast of the U.S.

6. what would you like to have this year that you lacked last year?
more peace, patience and hope

7. what date from this year will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
June 10-Callum & Corryn were born! Sept 18-Nate & Kat got married!

8. what was your biggest achievement of the year?
making choices that support my health; developing in my character; not going into a major depression (so far) this winter!

9. what was your biggest failure?
messing up another relationship

10. did you suffer illness or injury?
I was blessed to be mostly healthy this year! Thanks, God!

11. what was the best thing you bought?
good, wholesome food from the Earth!

12. whose behavior merited celebration?
my dear friend and roommate Theresa, who has been such an encouragement to me and has taken the brunt of my actions
my beloved parents who continue to support me unconditionally

13. whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
mine, mostly in the way I treat the guys I date and my closest friends

14. where did most of your money go?
food (I don't buy cheap grub!), loans, grad school

15. what did you get really, really, really excited about?
I don’t get really (x3) excited about much, just excited period. Probably having Greg & Sarah moving back to MN and being a part of my niece and nephew’s lives!

17. compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
Neither, I would say more hopeful!

18. thinner or fatter?
Same, thanks God!

19. richer or poorer?
Poorer in the monetary sense. More loans have been taken out so I’m MORE in the hole! Richer in that I am a better, stronger person because of another year of life.

20. what do you wish you’d done more of?
•Playing piano and violin!
•Staying in touch with people close to me better, sending more cards, etc.
•Writing more, especially blogging, not being afraid to share my thoughts with others to possibly help them!
•Exercising regularly.
*Volunteering or missions trips

21. what do you wish you’d done less of?
•Worrying and analyzing and trying to be perfect, I’m at pro at that!
•Eating sweets
•Watching depressing and violent TV shows

22. how will you be spending your birthday? No idea!

23. how will you be spending the holidays?
Hopefully with my family, maybe a few of my brothers will be home this year. And I will have a new niece or nephew by that time! Yay!

24. did you fall in love this past year? nope, not that I know of

25. how many one-night stands? none

26. what was your favorite TV program? At the beginning of the year, I watched a lot of Law & Order: SVU and CSI. Not good for someone so sensitive and especially before bed!

27. do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No, I’ve been able to be more understanding of people thanks to God working in me

28. what was the best book you read?
So many!!! Here are just a few of the books that really influenced my thoughts and actions this year:

•The Soul Tells a Story by Vinita Hampton Wright
•Seeing is Believing by Greg Boyd
•The G-Free Diet: A Gluten Free Survival Guide by Elizabeth Hasselbeck
•Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes by Therese Borchard
•The Antidepressant Solution: A Step-by Step Guide to Safely Overcome Antidepressant Withdrawal, Dependence and “Addiction” by Joseph Glenmullen
•Lincoln's Melancholy: How Depression Challenged a President and Fueled His Greatness by Joshua Wolf Shenk
•An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison
•Down Came the Rain by Brooke Shields
*Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Piccoult
•The Help by Kathryn Stockett
•Born on a Blue Day by Daniel Tammet
•Expecting Adam by Martha Beck

I recommend ALL of these! Ask and, with delight, I will tell you how they changed me!

29. what was your greatest musical discovery?
Kari Jobe, Meredith Andrews, Michael Gungor, Michael Buble, George Winston

30. what did you want and get?
•A job! Thanks God!
•Healthy babies for my brother/sis-in-law and friends! Thanks God!
•To be an auntie
•Strength, endurance and personal health and healing!
•To be (mostly) depression free! Woot!

31. what did you want and not get?
•A man to fall in love and spend my entire life with
•Clarity for my future career path
•To be married with children
•To be anxiety free (this'll never happen in this life, I guess.)
•To not be dependent on my antidepressants

32. what was your favorite film of this year?
Probably Toy Story 3! So sweet, I cried!

33. what did you do on your last birthday, and how old were you?
Twenty-flippin-siX! Crazy! I had a horrible HORRIBLE migraine. While medicated, I worked a shift at the group home, I came home to find my room decorated by my sweet roomies. Then I went to bed despite a lot of hammering and drilling (a friend was working on our house on the other side of the wall where I was desperately trying to rest!) BUT I celebrated two days later with a karaoke party which I set up. I was so blessed to have a large group of friends show up! What a memorable day!

34. how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
I’ve been told I’m good at accessorizing my jewelry with my outfits! (Luckily, I have a mom who makes amazingly cute jewelry)

35. what kept you sane?
Reading! (got me through so many days!)
Counseling was always helpful-talking to someone who is pretty much a perfect stranger, no biases… etc. I’d highly recommend it.
My beloved roommate Theresa and other friends and family members

36. which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

37. what political issue stirred you the most?
I don’t understand it…but the health care stuff really hits close to home.

38. who was the best new person you met?
my friend Nike from Nigeria I “met” on my blog. She’s been such an encouragement to me. I look forward to getting to know her more this year!

39. tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
A few things I’ve concluded (based on my 3-18-10 journal entry):
-You have no right to judge another’s experience.
-People are never as they appear on the outside.
-Pain is pain.
-You can always find joy even in the hardest times.
-You can never get this moment back.
-Faith is dead without action.
-You can choose to feel differently about any situation.
-People rarely notice you (the way you think they do) and that’s quite freeing!
-Always assume the best but be aware of the worst.
-Christ is incarnate; He is found in anything beautiful of the world, most often the day-to-day things you forget to acknowledge.
-Hope is living in the moment but knowing one day everything will be perfect.
-You may mean little to the world, but to one person, you may mean the world (and that’s a great reason to stay alive!)
-My body is not my own; it is my Creator’s that’s why I am a sacred and beautiful person.
-People come and go from our lives; I strive to learn from each one, knowing that the one conversation we have may very well be the only one.
-Each mistake is a chance to learn more about yourself and become a better person.
-Self-hate is a sure way to make yourself look ugly.
-Striving for perfection takes away this moment to be completely you.

40. quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

“you make beautiful things
you make beautiful things
out of us
all around
hope is springing up from this old ground
out of chaos life is being found in you
you make beautiful things
you make beautiful things
out of the dust
you make beautiful things
you make beautiful things
out of us” ~ Beautiful Things by Michael Gungor

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Where is my hope?

The other day I had a nice post written about my measly self and life. I thought, "Oh this is actually pretty good. I should save it just in case." But I didn't. Then the power suddenly went out. So much for that.

I am hurting for loved ones right now. Especially my beautiful cousin Becca who lost her third baby. I can't imagine what pain she must feel so I am crying out to God to comfort her like no one can. Then there's my friend Kat whose brother was murdered a week ago. I was reading some tributes to her brother Leo this morning. He was only 22 years old. I just can't believe what kind of f'ed up world we live in. And I am trying to hang on to hope. If not for me, at least for my sweet dear cousin who doesn't deserve any of this crap. Or for a family whose wonderful brother and son was violently, tragically ripped from their lives...

I was feeling pain earlier. But now it's deadness. Like it's not even me writing. I don't really know if I am sad. Because it is kind of no emotions. None of the stress I am dealing with can compare to the pain of these two wonderful women and the people closest to them. But comparing doesn't help I suppose.

I don't really want to talk about me and my drama with messed up relationships and lack of knowledge of self.

When listening to some of my favorite songs, I, like I often do, wondered: Do I even believe this? "He has been there before/He will be there again" and other songs with a similar Jesus-will-never-forsake-you theme. Sometimes I wonder if I am Christian, because when Greg Boyd (my pastor) says to imagine Jesus in your head, I can't. How am I supposed to know what he looked like? And I wonder if maybe Jews could get into heaven even they don't believe in Jesus. That makes me feel like a heretic.

I want to turn the world off and focus on hope and life. The only way I can do that is if I have Someone to hope in. For all my life, I've hoped in Christ because I was told to; I always wondered if I was doing it right. I don't want to hope because I'm told to. I want to hope because it's all I can do. I don't know if it's my own evil self or something evil putting thoughts in my head that I can't trust Jesus. Because look at all the people that kill themselves who were Christians...

Okay sorry for that tangent. It's like this: I trust God but Jesus is kind of distant. I know they are one and the same and Jesus is supposed to be "God visible" but I don't feel that. All I see is his Awesomeness in nature and his Beauty in people. I don't feel Him right now in this moment. Jesus. Sitting next to me as I cry for everyone who is hurting, yelling at Him: Where are you?????

Thursday, October 21, 2010

My Life Right Now

I haven't fallen off the face of the earth, but I have been busier than I can remember being in many years.

I had been doing really well, confident, joyful, and positive amidst my stress and busyness of life. Until the last few days. I could go into detail about why I think that is...but what's the point?

I woke up this morning to a very disturbing text. The brother of a friend of mine was murdered in Minneapolis by one of his tenants. I am very sad and pained to hear this. What kind of f'ed up world do we live in, I wonder sometimes? I don't even know how to pray for Kat and her family. Please pray for the Kohorst family if you think of it.

I also seemed to be doomed to fail at my relationships with men. I have been suffering a lot in this regard. But I am trying to get my mind off of it.

In a more positive light, I am enjoying my teaching job as a part time elementary Spanish teacher. It's crazy of course, because I have to plan the curriculum myself (with some help from other Spanish teachers in the district) but I am SO blessed to finally have a community to call my own and a principal who actually supports me and believes in me, rather than the opposite (like my last teaching job). Oh not to mention students who I actually can teach and who I enjoy teaching! God thank you for this amazing job!

Grad school is a little discouraging. I am not even sure if I want to do special education anymore and with the days getting shorter and my depression setting in again, I don't know if I can handle the stress of school and work (not to mention all the other crap). So who knows...

I am off work today and tomorrow. It's so nice to have a break. My roomie and I are going shopping so that's exciting. I will try to post more...if there's ever time!

Much love to all (even if you don't read this)!