Sunday, October 24, 2010

Where is my hope?

The other day I had a nice post written about my measly self and life. I thought, "Oh this is actually pretty good. I should save it just in case." But I didn't. Then the power suddenly went out. So much for that.

I am hurting for loved ones right now. Especially my beautiful cousin Becca who lost her third baby. I can't imagine what pain she must feel so I am crying out to God to comfort her like no one can. Then there's my friend Kat whose brother was murdered a week ago. I was reading some tributes to her brother Leo this morning. He was only 22 years old. I just can't believe what kind of f'ed up world we live in. And I am trying to hang on to hope. If not for me, at least for my sweet dear cousin who doesn't deserve any of this crap. Or for a family whose wonderful brother and son was violently, tragically ripped from their lives...

I was feeling pain earlier. But now it's deadness. Like it's not even me writing. I don't really know if I am sad. Because it is kind of no emotions. None of the stress I am dealing with can compare to the pain of these two wonderful women and the people closest to them. But comparing doesn't help I suppose.

I don't really want to talk about me and my drama with messed up relationships and lack of knowledge of self.

When listening to some of my favorite songs, I, like I often do, wondered: Do I even believe this? "He has been there before/He will be there again" and other songs with a similar Jesus-will-never-forsake-you theme. Sometimes I wonder if I am Christian, because when Greg Boyd (my pastor) says to imagine Jesus in your head, I can't. How am I supposed to know what he looked like? And I wonder if maybe Jews could get into heaven even they don't believe in Jesus. That makes me feel like a heretic.

I want to turn the world off and focus on hope and life. The only way I can do that is if I have Someone to hope in. For all my life, I've hoped in Christ because I was told to; I always wondered if I was doing it right. I don't want to hope because I'm told to. I want to hope because it's all I can do. I don't know if it's my own evil self or something evil putting thoughts in my head that I can't trust Jesus. Because look at all the people that kill themselves who were Christians...

Okay sorry for that tangent. It's like this: I trust God but Jesus is kind of distant. I know they are one and the same and Jesus is supposed to be "God visible" but I don't feel that. All I see is his Awesomeness in nature and his Beauty in people. I don't feel Him right now in this moment. Jesus. Sitting next to me as I cry for everyone who is hurting, yelling at Him: Where are you?????


  1. I love you Brittany. Thanks for thinking of me. Sometime this week, after I had cried 7 times in one day, I remembered back to some of the times when I cried for myself or for some stupid problem at work or something, and thought those times were so selfish or less meaningful. But I don't think that's true. We are all going through our own stuff, and have to keep going through, and other people's pain doesn't make your pain less meaningful. I pray that something positive comes out of Lee's life, and touches people like you who never knew him. I don't know what I'm trying to say...just that I love you and miss you!


  2. Brit,
    You are in my thoughts as you teach and go to school. You are stronger than you think. We are told to be strong and courageous. Do not worry or be dismayed because the Lord our God is with us wherever we go. Rest in this are not alone, even if you don't feel Him, He is with you. Love- Aunt Pam

  3. thank you so much, cousin. for the many thoughts and prayers. they mean so very much. i love you more than words! :) ps. i nominated/gave you a blog award. you can read about it on my blog. lots of love beautiful!