Monday, November 30, 2009

Not Me! Monday!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I did *not* text my boss and try to get out of a shift. Whoever heard of doing that these days?

I did *not* step on it just so I wouldn't get passed in the left lane because I just love it when people don't give you the opportunity to get over and go crazy mad if you don't change lanes IMMEDIATELY.

I did *not* go 100 texts over on my parents and my family plan. Because I am one to actually hold a conversation with people. Why do people text anyway?

I did *not* pack my lunch for today, dinner for tonight, prepare my coffee for tomorrow, and pack my lunch for tomorrow all by 1:00 p.m. today. Because I am not a planner or overachiever and I just like to fly by the seat of my pants.

I did *not* help my dad get the Christmas tree down off the top of the garage using a rake to push it and slide it, neither did I whine and complain that my neck was hurting when he was the one who has chronic pain and the 150 lb tree was falling directly on top of him.

I did *not* spend 3 hours choosing, saving, and trying to position pictures on a page to print for the Christmas presents I am working on. Because of course I am NOT a perfectionist and I don't waste time on such things.

I did *not* refuse to help my mom decorate her Christmas tree (the one that I didn't help get down). Because I love being nostalgic and Christmasy and would never refuse to spend time with my dear mother who lives 200 miles away.

Saturday, November 21, 2009


Last night I went with my friend Oscar to Bodies:The Exhibition at Mall of America...I was a little bit aware of what I would experience. But right now... I am struggling with words to explain the depth of these thoughts. For someone who gets overwhelmed easily, this exhibition was a big step but I know how to pace myself. I can't really explain what it is that I experienced, so you'll have to go for yourself.
I just cannot believe the intricacies of our bodies. How all of these bones, ligaments, organs, etc. all fit so neatly. They all have their place and function to make us the most incredible creatures on earth. On top of that there are hundreds of miles of arteries and nerves. One of my favorite displays (couldn't find pics of it) was an entire body of just the spinal cord connected to all the nerves from head to toe. It's so hard to explain. How does all this fit inside us??? There was another that was just the arteries. If all of our blood vessels were connected end to end they would extend 62,000 miles or 2 1/2 times around the earth. Plus there's the small and large intestines which are 7 feet and 5 feet long, repectively if stretched out. We are truly amaaaazing miracles. There are no words in any language to describe how beautifully creative God is.
This was truly a remarkable experience. The fetus room was especially beautiful but unfortunately we ran out of time to stay too long in it. I could see how big the fetus was at different stages (one for each of my friends who are pregnant-practically!) HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? IT is truly a remarkable gift. I am even more in awe of the beauty of God and his creation--each of us (including myself). How could anyone consider throwing away such a precious gift? (Take that whatever way you want.)
Even now I am frustrated and exhausted at my lack of words for how awestruck I am. Thank you God for my life and the lives of each amazing person you've created.

Monday, November 16, 2009


So many aching hearts
Racing minds
Souls ripped by a hunger
That seems to never be filled
Have I been forsaken?
Life is just too hard.
Fall Within
And Out
I see and feel the pain
Of so many
And my eyes burn
With an intense
For justice
For hope that's real
Not just a dream
Each face has a Name
And each Name is
Written in your Book
And yet as you see
Each Sparrow Fall
You let each of Your precious
Children Fall
My tears won't end
Because my heart
Is breaking for So Many
But yet what's this
Feeling I have alongside
Intense Sorrow?
It's beauty
It's beauty of these
Exquisite Souls
I see them, I try to see them
As Yours
And I love them
But unlike you
I don't know what to do
So I wait
I hope alongside them
Cry with them
And fear each crack
In their hearts grows
Until nothing is left
Nothing is left
Except Us.
That's why
You've given me this
Indescribable gift
To hurt for the hurting
Because maybe
Your love has become
More real to me
in these Trying Times
And today I pray
to Your Spirit
To walk with Us
To carry our agonies
Our doubts
Our jumbled up
That sometimes comes
Out as tears
Or as blank stares
Or as empty smiles
Carry them with your
Wordless Groanings
To Heaven
Because we are Done
And the pain is too Much
But You've given Us
Each Other.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Disappearing Objects

I wanted to post some pictures of what I've been up to in the crafty area...but alas let's add another thing to my list of disappearing objects: my connector cord for my camera (so I have no way of uploading the pics :( )

Let's see, some things on my mind, which may be the reason for my spaciness:

1) to date or not to date. Can't I enjoy my single life without feeling the pressure of "finding someone?"

2) How do you know if you've crossed the line into "New Age" thinking? Just because someone's thinking is different, are they New Age? What is New Age? Why do Christians have such a hard time with things that are "different?"

3) Why does God grant "miracles" to some and not to others? I've been struggling with this Scripture: " 'I will have mercy on wehom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.' It does not therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy." Romans 9:15-16

4) Should I look for a full time job just for the pay and benefits or should I just continue my crazy all-over-the place work life, with not a ton of security, living from paycheck to paycheck. (neither of which make me really happy? What I really want to do? Learn--go back to school! But who's going to pay for it?

5) Will I ever realize that there's no real way to "do" life, so why do I keep comparing myself to everyone and everything that ever lived or breathed? Save me from this bondage!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Depression Free--Hallelujah! (Even if it is just ONE DAY)!

I don't even know if anyone reads my blog but I must share with the world...even one or two people of my great day! If you have read anything of mind lately (trust me, there's a lot more things that I didn't post that were a lot more depressing) or you know me in person, I have been struggling with a bout of depression. I have-in clinical terms-major depressive disorder or in layman's terms "depression" and have struggled for almost ten years. I could go into a whole long thing about this struggle where I believe it came from, blah blah blah. BUT

I want to focus on my good day.

You may think something exciting happened or I heard some good news. Like maybe world hunger is going down. Or that my dad's pain magically disappeared. Or that my brother Tim decided to move back from Germany (I know, I am happy for him, but miss him terribly). Or that I found the man of my dreams. Or that I have my financial situation under control. Or that I finally know what my life calling is.

Nope. It was just a normal day. The only thing I did differently was I took a Women's Multi-vitamin, which includes lots of things I've discovered I need enough of like Vitamin B6 and B12, Iron, and some other things and Omega 6. I did my normal amount of caffeine, normal amount of including God in my day-okay could have done a little better with that-, normal breakfast, normal amount of sleep. I even had a difficult subbing job. I went...and I just felt GREAT. (I will say my depression is exacerbated by physical symptoms and my physical symptoms exacerbate my depression. And as of late, this has been utter fatigue at sudden, random times, like I will literally feel drugged and have to leave an event to go to bed--unless I'm working, of course.) Anyway, I had an amazing amount of energy--not anxious energy from caffeine, in which my already scattered brain goes a trillion miles an hour then BOOM I crash into a comatose-like state. But no. I stayed positive and energetic. I genuinely LIKED myself. It was the best feeling in the world and I can't thank God enough for this simply beautiful day.

After work, I took a walk on some trails at a nearby park. Then helped my roommates clean up the yard. I could really feel the endorphins flowing out freely. I enjoyed a delicious leftover meal I made yesterday--chicken fettucini. IT was amAAAzing may I be so bold to say. Then to top it off, Theresa reset our wireless router, so I NOW have internet on my very own computer (I have been patiently waiting for weeks to get it figured out!)

THANK YOU GOD! I will hope for another wonderfully simple and beautiful day tomorrow. Even one such moment that I experienced today would be an incredible gift. (And I will try not to think about the mice I hear in the walls :( )

Monday, November 9, 2009

Free for the Moment

I've been enjoying a bit of freedom
From an uncontrollable power
That seems to bind me at the most random times
Where tears fall so often
It seems I should be crying
When my eyes are dry

I am sitting in a state of mind not too unfamiliar
A little separated from what is going on
But the sun shining in
Reminds me of hope
And faithfulness
From all these problems
The suffering of so many is not in my hands

I can only look to Him
And Him only
As I-not trudge-but triumphantly
Walk from one moment to the next
In a complex, confusing
But utterly beautiful, engaging, stunning world.

Sunday, November 8, 2009


I have a smile on my face because of two wonderfully delightful emails from this guy, a very special person in my life. He is over in Aachan, Germany right now but I get to see him in about six weeks! He is my dear little bro Timothy. Every day I try and remember to thank God for him and his life because not too long ago we almost lost it. Thanks be to God for his mercy and mind-bending power. I thank God for the friendship I share with Tim even across the miles.

Originally I was going to write about depression, but I guess that will have to wait til a different post! I am going to keep this all around positive! Love you bro.