Past

I keep deleting what I am going to say. I took a free Enneogram thingy last night and I think I am number 4: "The Individualist" which could explain why I rarely write on here or share my true self with that many people:

The Individualist: The introspective, romantic type. Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity. At their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.

Who knows if anyone reads this. While I write, I simultaneously and desperately hope and fear that people will read this.

I am in Wausau, Wisconsin visiting my parents. In the last few days, old things have come in to haunt me. In many ways I am healthy, thanks be to the Only One who can turn Ugliness into Beauty. I praise my Savior for changing me, even though I highly doubt anyone in my life really notices. For the first time in 9 years, I am not on an antidepressant and have felt more emotionally and physically healthy than I can ever remember! (Although maybe not a lot of people realize it because I unfortunately tend to complain a lot...at least I am aware of it!)

Despite my freedom (overall) from depression, things from my past still have their wretched claws gripping my heart. It seems everywhere I look I hear and see babies, engagement rings, people kissing, and white dresses. Is that ever going to be me? I feel like a few different people because while I have no desire to date and could not imagine having a couple of kids and being forced to cook and clean for a man...I am aching to at least HAVE THE OPTION of doing those things. And I don't. At least at the age I am now...because if any of that happens I know in my heart it won't be for at least 5 years. What's wrong with that you might ask. Most of the time, I encourage myself with that very thought: "It's not too late." and "It WILL happen for you. It just may be ten years later than you've always dreamed." But then some weird thing inside me says, "Look at how you have failed. It won't happen." Then my combating answer, "You're right-it won't if I keep repeating history. But with God's hand, there will be a miracle. I will learn how to love." (Because that's what I think the problem is with me and men. Granted I know, I am not totally to blame in my failed relationships but there's one common denominator in all of them: me. And for some reason I can't love a guy because of all my negative thoughts toward him and it needs to change!)

I feel like I am going in circles. Today in my personal journal I was reflecting on how I don't want to open my past because it's too painful, but yet I NEED to in order to figure out what my problem is...because it will just come out and continue to haunt me if/when I decide to date again (it already does and I'm not even dating).

I felt like I was getting closer to being free of this lie that my self-worth is dependent on my marital status. Overall, I am. But the last few week old memories have fluttered in (being in my hometown does not always help) and I've been feeling angry at myself for not being "over this" and content with who I am. But does being content mean stuffing the crap in your closet? In comparison to what others in my life are dealing with and the disaster in Japan, why would anyone freaking care about my problems?

If you don't see this posted, it's because I deleted it. I am "withholding [myself] from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective" but hopefully one day I won't be this way.

My Life Right Now

I haven't fallen off the face of the earth, but I have been busier than I can remember being in many years.

I had been doing really well, confident, joyful, and positive amidst my stress and busyness of life. Until the last few days. I could go into detail about why I think that is...but what's the point?

I woke up this morning to a very disturbing text. The brother of a friend of mine was murdered in Minneapolis by one of his tenants. I am very sad and pained to hear this. What kind of f'ed up world do we live in, I wonder sometimes? I don't even know how to pray for Kat and her family. Please pray for the Kohorst family if you think of it.

I also seemed to be doomed to fail at my relationships with men. I have been suffering a lot in this regard. But I am trying to get my mind off of it.

In a more positive light, I am enjoying my teaching job as a part time elementary Spanish teacher. It's crazy of course, because I have to plan the curriculum myself (with some help from other Spanish teachers in the district) but I am SO blessed to finally have a community to call my own and a principal who actually supports me and believes in me, rather than the opposite (like my last teaching job). Oh not to mention students who I actually can teach and who I enjoy teaching! God thank you for this amazing job!

Grad school is a little discouraging. I am not even sure if I want to do special education anymore and with the days getting shorter and my depression setting in again, I don't know if I can handle the stress of school and work (not to mention all the other crap). So who knows...

I am off work today and tomorrow. It's so nice to have a break. My roomie and I are going shopping so that's exciting. I will try to post more...if there's ever time!

Much love to all (even if you don't read this)!

Disappearing Objects

I wanted to post some pictures of what I've been up to in the crafty area...but alas let's add another thing to my list of disappearing objects: my connector cord for my camera (so I have no way of uploading the pics :( )

Let's see, some things on my mind, which may be the reason for my spaciness:

1) to date or not to date. Can't I enjoy my single life without feeling the pressure of "finding someone?"

2) How do you know if you've crossed the line into "New Age" thinking? Just because someone's thinking is different, are they New Age? What is New Age? Why do Christians have such a hard time with things that are "different?"

3) Why does God grant "miracles" to some and not to others? I've been struggling with this Scripture: " 'I will have mercy on wehom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.' It does not therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy." Romans 9:15-16

4) Should I look for a full time job just for the pay and benefits or should I just continue my crazy all-over-the place work life, with not a ton of security, living from paycheck to paycheck. (neither of which make me really happy? What I really want to do? Learn--go back to school! But who's going to pay for it?

5) Will I ever realize that there's no real way to "do" life, so why do I keep comparing myself to everyone and everything that ever lived or breathed? Save me from this bondage!