What is on my Mind

Well, I had an interesting day today. A friend of mine, Bethany, ended up subbing at the same middle school with me and we actually team taught (I was the regular math sub and she was the ELL sub) just for one period. It was fun to see her and have someone to eat lunch with! Bethany and I go way back, but anyway, that's for a different day. IT was very bizarre for me to be "working" with her...She said the same thing.

Unfortunately, my day kind of went downhill after that. It is a very hard school, with students that are ethnically diverse and have lots of behavior problems. That probably would not be an issue if the periods weren't 85 minutes AND I did NOT recieve a prep (break) period NOR did I get paid for it. But I stuck it out and now I am fried. The last period was so intense. Kids talking, shrieking, laughing, yelling, coming in and leaving, throwing things, breaking things, all the while, I am trying to keep them on task. Luckily, there were kids from the high school that were helping. But I still felt like everything was going crazy. I spent the entire day taking huge deep breaths, but, of course, I messed up a lot. At the end of the day, a very large boy really scared me and ended up acting really inappropriately with a female student, so I got him out of the room. For the last fifteen minutes of the day, students were supposed to be cleaning up the trashed room. There was a broken sharpener smashed, little blue pieces all over the floor. Ripped papers. One student dumped a pile of ripped up papers over the head of another girl. Another girl dumped a bunch of little pieces of papers from her desk onto the floor. No idea why. It was-to say the least-chaotic. I found myself going into my usual out-of-body state. Like I was watching something out of a movie. I can't control it, but it is definitely real. The best part was getting my name changed from Ms. Bettger to Ms. Butt. Like they literally erased my name on the board and wrote that. Haha. I am just glad no one got seriously hurt and that my day is over. I made sure to leave a nice long note for the teacher, as I usually do.

Even though it was hard, I am now home and can laugh about it and know that I don't have to go back if I don't want to. (But I probably will.)And I was able to sit and relax on the deck on a beautiful afternoon with my roommates! And, believe it or not, the hardest days I have subbing, usually CANNOT compare with how EVERY SINGLE day was for me as a teacher of inner-city Kindergarten last year, that being, COMPLETE HELL. Yes, it's hard to believe I made it through nine months alive! THat's why I try to take these days as a treasure, these days I can come home, with no lesson planning, grading, classwork, parents to deal with, awww, yes. I can just relax, at least try to! Although I still feel like a failure a lot of the time as a sub and want to do a perfect job, I usually forget about it, whereas last year, I had a very unsupportive principal to deal with who was always breathing down my neck. (No wonder I didn't last at that school).

Another thing on my mind is, as always, marriage and babies. Yes, I found out when she showed up today, that my friend Bethany is having a baby. She and her husband got married last July. I am happy for them. I just still cannot believe it...(you would have to know the history behind me and Bethany but that is a book to one day be written !) A few years ago, I never would have guessed where she and I are today.

Besides just the wierdness of being with Bethany in a school classroom, I have to say I had a very familiar feeling of ... envy (that she is pregnant) ... creep over me subconsciously and tried to push it away. Again and again.

In fact, I laid in bed last night and thought (again) of all the young women in my life who have found their "perfect someone" and are now trying to or are having children. I tried so hard to pray for forgiveness for perhaps having negative thoughts toward them, but I could not help but feel the intense but very familiar pain. OF not measuring up. Even though, in my MIND, my worth has nothing to do with my status as a single, it will take maybe til my dying day to understand this in my heart. Especially when you work in a profession in which everyone is a woman, and all they talk about is marriage and baby raising...

Bleh. Deep breath. I need to find some single women who share my pain! Luckily the tears aren't burying me alive like they were last night.

Success

Just read an article called "How to Practice Safe Optimism" by Tamar Chamsky.Here's a link to the whole (really good) article. I could write a blog entry about each one she lists, but today I will just stick with one:

Strategy Five: Define success flexibly: Value process, not just product An optimist hopes for the best, but has realistic expectations. There isn't just one bull's eye of success and everything else is failure. This usually means girding ourselves for slow progress and defining success broadly. When we set unrealistic expectations we manufacture unnecessary disappointment that we then have to waste our precious energy overcoming--it's an additional hurdle which we don't need right now.

This reminds me of what I read in Never Good Enough (a book about perfectionism) and what I learned in DBT about black and white thinking. Currently I am working on "cognitive restructing." Due to my perfectionism, personality and other things, I tend to have really distorted expectations for myself.

Success has been defined in my mind in black and white terms. Such as, "Your teaching licensce was non-renewed. Failure." "You're single with no children at age 25. Failure." "You don't have a 'real' job. Failure." "No graduate degree. In fact, no idea what you want to do with your life. Double failure." I could keep going but this isn't helping things. SO I have to change these thoughts into degrees. Such as "You survived two years teaching inner city teaching. Success!" and "You will make a better wife and mother one day because of your committment to healing of self and waiting until you are older and wiser. Success!"

More on this later.

Disappearing Objects

I wanted to post some pictures of what I've been up to in the crafty area...but alas let's add another thing to my list of disappearing objects: my connector cord for my camera (so I have no way of uploading the pics :( )

Let's see, some things on my mind, which may be the reason for my spaciness:

1) to date or not to date. Can't I enjoy my single life without feeling the pressure of "finding someone?"

2) How do you know if you've crossed the line into "New Age" thinking? Just because someone's thinking is different, are they New Age? What is New Age? Why do Christians have such a hard time with things that are "different?"

3) Why does God grant "miracles" to some and not to others? I've been struggling with this Scripture: " 'I will have mercy on wehom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.' It does not therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy." Romans 9:15-16

4) Should I look for a full time job just for the pay and benefits or should I just continue my crazy all-over-the place work life, with not a ton of security, living from paycheck to paycheck. (neither of which make me really happy? What I really want to do? Learn--go back to school! But who's going to pay for it?

5) Will I ever realize that there's no real way to "do" life, so why do I keep comparing myself to everyone and everything that ever lived or breathed? Save me from this bondage!

Crazy Night at Work

Last night I felt very accomplished during a crazy night at the group home. One man began getting sick and was soon vomitting on and off for like 2 hours. In between wiping his face, rubbing his back and taking his temp I was running back and forth calling the nurse, who, upon discovering he had a fever, said we needed to put the H1N1 protocol in place. That required me to call the supervisor who came up and made me sign this paper that said I would wear a mask within 6 feet of the man among other things. Anyway, it was a bit insane because the 2nd staff was in the bathroom with another resident, a 3rd resident was hollering via his Dynavox (he is non verbal so he types with his head on this machine) that he needed something, and the 4th man, well, he was getting neglected. Luckily, we had a 3rd staff but she was out shopping. She comes home to the puking and everyone running around. Then my supervisor was there too. I was like, Oh great. I am probably infecting everything. So in between gags and pukes and writing in his book, taking vitals, and doing dishes, I was sanitizing the entire house. By that time, the other two staff had cleaned up dinner and gotten the other guys to bed. A 2nd resident was also beginning to show symptoms. So...

I feel pretty accomplished after that shift because I was able to hold it together while having worked 15 plus hours (I had sub taught that morning) and as I am not good with puke. My supervisor said make sure to go home and throw everything in the wash. (Which I typically do after each shift anyway!) The over night staff had to follow up on the sick man...but luckily between all of us, I was still able to leave at 10 pm.

Today I go to my PCA job. I had called the family and informed them that I may have been exposed to the H1N1 but could I still come to work. And my client's mom said that was fine, but the brother had been sick too...Anyway, I am ready for a nice relaxing day...And feeling fine, so far. Just tired.

Subbing

I am sitting here at 5:50 on a chilly October morning waiting for the phone to ring to offer me a subbing job. I am getting the hang of this subbing thing. I usually obsessively check by calling the three numbers, the Kelly Staffing number which offers me the best hope since there are about 5 school districts I could get a job with. Then there is Mounds View and Forest Lake, which I am independently a sub for but so far have not subbed as no jobs are ever available. It's literally a meat market. If I ever miss a phone call, I pretty much don't get the job as it is already taken; hence my obsessive calling. But if I don't end up working today that's okay since I worked 24 hours over the weekend!

I have really enjoyed substitute teaching. I have gotten a feel for what it might be like to teach high school for example. As one counselor at Spring Lake Park High School put it high schoolers are just "big little kids." And they are. But not really. They can do a whole lot more than Kindergartners, so that's why when I am really tired I prefer subbing for high school (11th or 12th) because they are so self-directed. But then again it could get boring so that's why Elementary is always good to switch things up.

My most amazing experience came last week when I somehow got ahold of a 2-day job at Wildwood Elementary in Mahtomedi. I was able to sub for the same first grade class for 2 days and had an amazing time! The main reason it was awesome is because the staff were so encouraging, helpful and kind. It is a K-2 school with about 8 sections of each grade, so still a pretty large elementary school! Anyway, the teacher's plans were quite detailed (always an amazing plus!) and the kids were quite well-behaved, according to me who is used to yelling, screaming, throwing chairs and tables, and physical fights (this was Kinder in inner city St. Paul). But anyway, all you have to do is say "Give me 5" and the entire class of 24 first graders will put their hands up and be totally quiet. It's amazing. Of course, they were a little crazy because they are 6 and 7-years-old so I used some songs and games I knew, and overall had everything under control. Mostly it was FUN and I had energy to enjoy myself!

The thing is, tons of staff complimented me on how good of a sub I was, and I felt like I hardly did anything...Anyway more on that later. This is too long! Well, maybe I will have a day off today!

My Schedule

Matt and I are doing a lot better, thanks be to God. Saturday was a fun day. I went to the house of his friends from our church (who I am just getting to know), Doug, Colleen and their three daughters. Matt was there working on a bookshelf with Doug. I talked with Colleen, then played some piano and had lunch with Matt and their family. Then I drove through crazy state-fair and construction traffic to meet with the dad of the family for who I will be PCA-ing. (Personal Care Attending) and turn in the paperwork--I am hired through Lifeworks, a company helping those with disabilities. I will be working with their daughter on Thursdays and some weekends. So I got everything squared away, and look forward to that. I have met their 21-year-old daughter and really like her. Later I wasn't feel well, so I had to miss a party that night and church on Sunday.

On Sunday I completed my first shadow shift at the group home. I met the four men with whom I will be working. Three of the four men have CP (cerebral palsy) and another man has a Parkinson's-like condition. Since I have worked with this company before, I kept thinking of things maybe I "should" be doing. It was hard to relax, but I just kept trying to force myself. The men are great and put lots of smiles on my face! It will be quite different as 3 of the 4 men are verbal and the last group home I worked at, the folks were nonverbal. There are many other differences too. Coming from a different home that was more strict, I have to learn how to be more laid back--maybe that will be good for me! Overall, I think I will enjoy working here. I work again on Thursday.

So my fall schedule looks kind of like this: I will be subbing Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesday half day mornings, and Fridays; working at the group home Wednesday evenings, some weekends; and PCA-ing Thursdays and some evenings and weekends. Yes, a wee bit crazy, especially as I still have lots of trainings to complete. Then you throw in moving in a few weeks and I get a little freaked. But luckily I am totally in control of my subbing schedule-I can just choose not to work it I want! I am continually seeking God and feel at peace about the job situation. He is so good, and most of all, he is all-powerful and I need to continually surrender each moment to Him. As He demonstrates, He knows so much more than I do about what is best for me!!!!!! Thanks for prayers...