Thursday, March 18, 2010

What is on my Mind

Well, I had an interesting day today. A friend of mine, Bethany, ended up subbing at the same middle school with me and we actually team taught (I was the regular math sub and she was the ELL sub) just for one period. It was fun to see her and have someone to eat lunch with! Bethany and I go way back, but anyway, that's for a different day. IT was very bizarre for me to be "working" with her...She said the same thing.

Unfortunately, my day kind of went downhill after that. It is a very hard school, with students that are ethnically diverse and have lots of behavior problems. That probably would not be an issue if the periods weren't 85 minutes AND I did NOT recieve a prep (break) period NOR did I get paid for it. But I stuck it out and now I am fried. The last period was so intense. Kids talking, shrieking, laughing, yelling, coming in and leaving, throwing things, breaking things, all the while, I am trying to keep them on task. Luckily, there were kids from the high school that were helping. But I still felt like everything was going crazy. I spent the entire day taking huge deep breaths, but, of course, I messed up a lot. At the end of the day, a very large boy really scared me and ended up acting really inappropriately with a female student, so I got him out of the room. For the last fifteen minutes of the day, students were supposed to be cleaning up the trashed room. There was a broken sharpener smashed, little blue pieces all over the floor. Ripped papers. One student dumped a pile of ripped up papers over the head of another girl. Another girl dumped a bunch of little pieces of papers from her desk onto the floor. No idea why. It was-to say the least-chaotic. I found myself going into my usual out-of-body state. Like I was watching something out of a movie. I can't control it, but it is definitely real. The best part was getting my name changed from Ms. Bettger to Ms. Butt. Like they literally erased my name on the board and wrote that. Haha. I am just glad no one got seriously hurt and that my day is over. I made sure to leave a nice long note for the teacher, as I usually do.

Even though it was hard, I am now home and can laugh about it and know that I don't have to go back if I don't want to. (But I probably will.)And I was able to sit and relax on the deck on a beautiful afternoon with my roommates! And, believe it or not, the hardest days I have subbing, usually CANNOT compare with how EVERY SINGLE day was for me as a teacher of inner-city Kindergarten last year, that being, COMPLETE HELL. Yes, it's hard to believe I made it through nine months alive! THat's why I try to take these days as a treasure, these days I can come home, with no lesson planning, grading, classwork, parents to deal with, awww, yes. I can just relax, at least try to! Although I still feel like a failure a lot of the time as a sub and want to do a perfect job, I usually forget about it, whereas last year, I had a very unsupportive principal to deal with who was always breathing down my neck. (No wonder I didn't last at that school).

Another thing on my mind is, as always, marriage and babies. Yes, I found out when she showed up today, that my friend Bethany is having a baby. She and her husband got married last July. I am happy for them. I just still cannot believe it...(you would have to know the history behind me and Bethany but that is a book to one day be written !) A few years ago, I never would have guessed where she and I are today.

Besides just the wierdness of being with Bethany in a school classroom, I have to say I had a very familiar feeling of ... envy (that she is pregnant) ... creep over me subconsciously and tried to push it away. Again and again.

In fact, I laid in bed last night and thought (again) of all the young women in my life who have found their "perfect someone" and are now trying to or are having children. I tried so hard to pray for forgiveness for perhaps having negative thoughts toward them, but I could not help but feel the intense but very familiar pain. OF not measuring up. Even though, in my MIND, my worth has nothing to do with my status as a single, it will take maybe til my dying day to understand this in my heart. Especially when you work in a profession in which everyone is a woman, and all they talk about is marriage and baby raising...

Bleh. Deep breath. I need to find some single women who share my pain! Luckily the tears aren't burying me alive like they were last night.

4 comments:

  1. Funny that you wrote this blog. A friend of mine, whom I consider a really, really good friend is pregnant. What wonderful news but I'm struggling to shake off the fact that it's just not fair. She is married to a wonderful man and is pregnant, yet, I struggle to meet just one person. It's frustrating and it's absolutely wrong that I have these thoughts. Thanks for being honest Brittany.

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  2. hello!!!

    its always refreshing to encounter an honest piece every now and then. kudos to you lady!i admire your sincerity a lot.

    i've been thinking along these lines lately. and i've found myself left with this question. answering has put a whole new perspective on EVERYTHING for me.so i'll ask you: brittany, what if there was no marriage in the institution of things, what if God made life without the concept of romance and kids, you know the individual family unit thing, what would your life be like. what would fill your hours, your thoughts, your dreams, your inspirations, your desires, what would be in your daydreams??......lol

    looking forward to reading your answer.

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  3. Britt,
    I love you! That subbing story is pretty funny actually... sorry to chuckle at your pain.

    I gotta tell you, the needing to be married and have babies... it's a Christian sub-culture thing. It got ingrained in us in our Christian college where we wanted to get our "ring by spring."

    I don't want to minimize your pain at all. I honor it. But throw it away! Just as many Christian "kids" who get married too early and have kids before they are ready get divorced as the non-Christian ones. Kat is 33 and doesn't have kids yet. We look forward to it one day. And there are so many more beautiful ones in my "family" here who are not married and have no kids and see that there is so much to live for. then there are a lot of single mom's as well./

    Wait for it my wonderful sister. And know that when it does happen, it will be much different than you imagined it to be.
    Great writing as always,
    NAte

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  4. you are a beautiful writer, I felt like I was there ... So I'm super inspired by "teachers & bad kids" movies ... like Gangster's Paradise with Michelle Phiefer, Freedom Writers, Stand and Deliver - AWESOME!! and a few others in that genre ... have you seen any of these. They are really inspiring. Also I just got this youtube video from a blog I subscribe to ... i'll send it to you ... whats your email lady? I can get it from Naters too ... mine's yogakatbend@mac.com

    LOTS OF LOVE TO YOU!! Hang in there :-)

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