Thursday, February 25, 2010

On Being Single

I am going to write about something quite personal. Not that anyone reads this, but I hope it encourages maybe at least one person. I have recently decided to stop dating. At least at this time in my life. So here it is: I am single, and increasingly, I am proud of it.

This is how I ended my personal journal/prayer today: "I never dreamed I'd be here. Sitting alone on my bed age 25 1/2, no husband or kids, no full time job, college loans not paid off, living in a dark, warm, rattly basement room with two single 30-something women. And I'd never dreamed that I'd be, what was that, content?"

That is, almost content.

I am so sick of mommy blogs. Okay, so when I find myself not working like today (again), I read blogs, a lot of them written by married women with young children. I have some favorites that you can find on my blog roll. I like them because they are entertaining, yes, the kids are adorable, and I like getting ideas for cooking, crafts, etc. Some I read so often, I feel like I almost know the people. But when I look at these blogs, bad thoughts play in my head at times. Bad thoughts I have come to find quite common.

That is me, that is supposed to be me.

Who ever said I was supposed to be them anyway? Well, this is a very touchy subject. But the pain, thanks be to God, has ever decreased over time and I can talk about it now.

It goes back to what a lot of you women remember growing up. Well, for as long as I can remember, I wanted to have babies. I've come to realize it's because my mom was the oldest of five kids, my dad in the middle of four, and so there were always women having babies in our family. I just loved them. I remember for a long time, there was a new baby every year in our family (on either or both sides). I was a typical little girl, with lots of dolls. As I grew up it turned into, my goal in life was not only to have babies, but to find that "perfect someone" to have babies with. Okay, so it wasn't my number one goal, but it was ALWAYS in the back of my mind in my early teens, then into high school and college. Especially as I came to realize when many of the women (grandma, mom, aunts) met and married their spouses. Quite young. Met in their teens and married by age 20 or 21.

As a child, I idealized women and, regrettably, I still do. (That's why this blogging business can be dangerous.) My mom, aunts, cousins, grandma, teachers, babysitters, and all the women in my favorite movies and shows, especially Dr. Quinn, Laura Ingalls, and Anne of Green Gables.

With all these women, there was usually one similarity. They had a man. And if they didn't (by a certain age), something was wrong with them. You see, one of my biggest fears is that people might see me the way I saw single, unmarried women. AS a child, I remember feeling pleasure that a teacher was "Mrs." but if she was "Miss" or "Ms." something must be wrong. If the teacher was "Ms." that meant she was divorced and if she was "Miss" and not reasonably young I would think, "Why is she not married? Is she not pretty enough?" blah blah blah.

Somehow in my thoughts and observations as a young girl, I came to believe this is what it means to be beautiful and worthy: to have a wonderful man at your side and to have his babies. While I still struggle now to dismiss this as a lie, I am so proud of how far I have come!

I still wonder when I see beautiful women how or why they are single. But then I am reminded, Oh yeah. I'm a beautiful woman and single. (In fact, I've been asked this so many times in my life.) So in a way, it's kind of nice to have support and be supported by people like me.

That brings me to a point of frustration: I wish there were more blogs out there that are written by people like me: mid 20s, single, and not that content about it! It seems almost every blog is young, married and trying to get pregnant; young, married with kids; or older 30s, married with kids. There are a few that are young and newly engaged or married, and even fewer that are college age. Even less I have found are older than 40. Okay there are a few that are single and 20s, but they seem more the partyer hard core type, not the traditional-at-heart like I am. While I enjoy reading all different types of blogs, it would be nice to find a few like mine! (But at least I have my friend Becca's blog. She and I are kind of in the same boat, I think!)

Thanks for listening to my scoop on singlehood. If you're there, hang on, I understand!


  1. Hi Brittany! I made it in your blog. :) Interesting that you write this blog because just a couple weeks ago I deleted two blogs that I was consistently reading. I deleted them because I could not relate to them whatsoever, considering I am single, with no kids. It's nothing against them, but I have nothing in common with them and it can become draining at times reading all about the love of their life and their kiddy kats. Your thoughts as a child about and man or woman who was still single were my thoughts, too. Being 27 and single has had its challenges. I am content at times and sometimes think I would do just fine being single for the rest of my life, but I do deeply long to share my life with someone. However, I let what I thought as a child control what I think others think of me being single at 27. It's challenging that's for sure! I always envisioned my life a certain way, but I think God has had his share of laughs.

  2. Hi Brittney, I just came across your Facebook profile and your blog. And I completely understand how you feel. I recently came out of a three year relationship nearly two months ago, on New Year's Day. It was incredibly painful to go through. I began this semester with incredible stress -- having to move out of his house, my carpal tunnel, and now trying to find a second job. Everything that we had, the dreams of our future he and I had... all vanish into thin air. I did not want end the relationship, but he did for various reasons I'll share another time.

    So... here I am, 26 years old, single, and still trying to finish school. I'm racking up debt, near broke and living with a couple and her cousin in Detroit, MI. I feel a bit bad because the women in my family, my younger sister and my younger cousin are both happily married, and I have yet to find him.

    It's wonderful being in a relationship, to share a part of your life with someone else, but there's nothing wrong being single too. I too have decided to take a break from dating for a while to find myself. I gave so much of myself during the three year relationship that I've lost myself. And that's the danger most women fall into. Society expects us to be selfless. You see women juggling between career and family life. We'd be called a bitch if we started focusing on ourselves.

    Take this time to focus on you. That is what I'm doing. I want to focus on myself and do the things I that I might not have done while I was in a relationship. We women must take good care of ourselves too. Understand that most men want a good woman who also owns herself.

    There will always be time for relationships and family. It'll come eventually at the right time. But in the meantime, take good care of yourself.

    Best of lucky to the both of us!

  3. Thank you for such a beautifully honest post!

  4. Subbing is a hard gig. I look forward to reading more of your posts.

  5. also, and i just skimmed extremely quickly over one post, I think that we might be in different boats, but still in the same ocean.

  6. hey cousin...i love you. need i say more. but i wanted to give you a link to a friend of mine's blog. she's 27ish single and hilarious. she actually went to bethel and you may know her now that i think about it! so enjoy! and i love you lots and lots

  7. And you have said what I wrote in the comment on the later post. Hmmm... I need to read in chronological order.