Yesterday I awoke to see that I had a missed call from my mom. I remember hearing it ring as I was just beginning to fall asleep the night before. So I immediately thought something bad happened since the call was from 10 pm and my mom knows I got to sleep early. But she almost always leaves a message; this time she didn’t. And when it’s bad news, it’s a sinister voice saying, “Hi honey. Please call when you can.” I’ve heard that voice one too many times. The more sinister and firm, usually the more serious the occasion. So of course, I was nervous. I called and got no response from either Mom or Dad's cell phones, so my head started spinning. I was so worried something horrible had happened. Luckily my mom called a couple minutes later. Sure enough my brother Greg was in a car accident on his way home from work the night before but he is okay. I was still so worked up and anxious I could barely calm down and started crying on the phone with my mom not even noticing. (Ever since Christmas night, tears have come on suddenly, forcefully. When they start, it is like a warm blanket cascading down. So needed and comfortable at first. I have to let out all that pain, that pain so real, raw, indescribable pain. I can’t even put into words. There was no tragedy, just an imagined one, but everything comes back so easily for me. Probably for most people that have had a loss, an almost-loss, or some sort of traumatizing event happen to them. These get relived through little things, like phone calls and voices. They plague and imprint your mind and you can never forget. Add on to that the fact that I simply cry easily and get down extremely quickly. Call it a season. Call it depression. Call it Brittany. Whatever. I go through periods where I am more dried up; now is not one of those periods.)
Anyway, I also called Greg but not on an impulse. It was a carefully planned event. Should I say painfully thought-over. That’s my mind for you: What if he answers? What if he doesn’t? What am I going to be doing while I talk to him? If I don’t do something at the same time, I will be late to work. What if we talk too long? What if I say the wrong thing? But my phone is dead; maybe it won’t be charged enough to talk. Maybe I shouldn’t call him. I’ll probably be bothering him. If I don’t, what kind of sister am I? Why didn’t he call me after the accident?
Finally, I got my breakfast ready and told my thoughts to shut up because they were still going. He answered after the first ring and immediately said, “Hi, how have you been doing?” as if nothing had happened. My brother Greg is always one who gives. When we talk, he hardly ever talks about himself. And, I am one who, when given a listening ear, can never shut up. But today, I didn’t want to focus on this pain. How dare I turn his scary accident into my own problem? Augh! I hate when I do that. So I didn’t mention me, but kept probing about how he was. I knew it was better for me that way. He assured me he was fine so that was good to hear, but I was still so anxious and troubled. He told me a little bit about the accident that involved four vehicles. His car was totaled, and so were some of the others but everyone was okay. I should be praising God, right? I tried to amidst my soft, cracking voice and brewing tears. I could barely eat my breakfast. Before he hung up, he said “Well, I am so glad to hear you are doing okay.” As if I were the one in the accident. But he was positive and I tried to feel it too. Maybe I was okay. If I just talked myself into it…I knew I could change these thoughts, this horrible sinking feeling in my gut. It just got deeper and the nausea grew. But I forced down the cereal and coffee as I said “I love you” to Greg and hung up.
Believe it or not, I had a pretty good day after that-once I got to work. Yesterday, I worked with my friend Maddie. She is a young woman with special needs who lives at home with her parents and siblings. It has its challenges, but I think it’s one of the best jobs in the world. I knew Maddie would want to know all about my family. She always gets my brothers mixed up (who doesn’t, though?). “How’s Nate doing? Is he the one in Germany?” “Nope remember you met Nate and Kat when there were in town over Christmas.” “Oh yeah! How are they?! They are so nice. I mean so sweet! Can you tell them I said hi?”
It’s hard to hang out with Maddie, take care of her, help her and learn from her, when I am so buried in my thoughts. But, luckily, I force myself to. I take her out to the library, book stores, coffee shops, plays, and her favorite: the animal shelter. I love seeing how she responds to different situations and how personable she is with complete strangers (of course, that can be dangerous, so I’m there to redirect her if needed.) But if I am ever too afraid to ask for something, no worries, Maddie has few inhibitions. She doesn’t worry about what people think of her. I have a lot to learn.
Of course, Maddie is quite vulnerable. I know she gets sad too. In my role helping people with disabilities, I have connected with them probably the deepest when I am sad. I don’t want to say my depression is a gift, but I know that there is nothing like crying with someone and truly feeling his or her pain. Yesterday, we talked a little bit about the earthquake in Haiti. That particular subject had been haunting me the past day and I was still feeling down from the morning occurrence so I didn’t really feel like talking about it. Luckily, Maddie’s soothing chatter turned elsewhere and quickly (which is quite common).
I enjoyed my time with her the rest of the day. And also, at ACR later in which I just did a short shift at one of the two homes where I work. Some people with depression can’t work. I am the lucky one. I work to survive. At least in combination with other much-needed things like a faith and spirituality that consumes me, healthy food, enough water, exercise, psychotherapy and a strong community of friends. In my role as teacher and caregiver, I am distracted, able to put my mind and body to use and not focus on myself and my sadness.
I am extremely affected by sad stories in the news or from family, friends, etc., so with the recent events in Haiti, I have been as down as ever, but not necessarily joyless. Sometimes, I wonder, as I walk into a classroom of bouncy teens, or giggly, squirrelly first graders, or as I look into the deep eyes of one of the residents, Shouldn’t the world stop? How can I be giving a bath or teaching about the Civil War when there are people dying, gasping for air under feet of rubble, crying out for relief. And as Greg Boyd said, will probably never be found because of their lack of resources in that already-impoverished country. But, no, life doesn’t stop. And, as I always try to do, I put myself in the shoes of those I serve. How are they thinking? How can I make life better for them? Life goes and on and will continue to go on in Haiti, but also here. So I need to stay in the moment and be here for these innocent children/adults who are dealing with this tragic news in their own way, or maybe not-maybe they have no idea but I need to make life comfortable for them. How is this possible when I have a hard time caring for myself, that I can be so focused on others? But this thinking is what is actually the most freeing for me, the times I feel most liberated from my depression.
Showing posts with label jobs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jobs. Show all posts
Friday, January 15, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
Looking Back on '09
Monday, January 4, 2010
"it's gonna be happy new year..."
2009 in retrospect..
1. what did you do this past year that you'd never done before?
was a bridesmaid in two weddings, taught inner city Kindergarteners, went to The Fray concert, drove with a friend down to El PAso, went on a 2-week long vacation with just my parents,
2. did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I try to make a daily commitment to things otherwise I just burn out. Each day, I try to live fully by taking care of myself, and demonstrating
3. did anyone close to you give birth?
no, not til this year
4. did anyone close to you die?
my uncle Tom was killed on his bicycle in May. We shared lots of fun memories, especially the last few years. Love you, Uncle Tom!
5. what countries did you visit?
Mexico! I visited my friend Becca in El Paso and we spent some time in Juarez, Mx where she works with children in a children's home!
6. what would you like to have this year that you lacked last year?
more patience and understanding for self and others, how to see myself as a beloved person, the way Christ sees me and a willingness to trust Him more than I ever have
7. what date from this year will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
8. what was your biggest achievement of the year?
graduating from DBT (dialectic behavior therapy), making it through a tough year of teaching, being more open to God's involvement in my life in the smallest things
9. what was your biggest failure?
not being renewed as a teacher at the school I was at (even though I was going to resign anyway), or getting recognized by principal (which was kind of impossible), not getting a teaching job
10. did you suffer illness or injury?
normal every day battle with depression and migraines once a month or so
11. what was the best thing you bought?
I didn't buy a lot.
12. whose behavior merited celebration?
13. whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
14. where did most of your money go?
paying off loans; food; gas; rent, the normal!
15. what did you get really, really, really excited about?
Umm...probably when two of my friends got pregnant!
16. what song will always remind you of this year:
Any of the Woodland Hills worship songs, especially "Lead me to the Cross," "At the Foot of the Cross," "Jesus Draw Me ever Nearer", "Still"--Reuben Morgan (Hillsong) "Shadowfeet" and "None but Jesus" by Brooke Fraser (Hillsong),"The More I Seek You"--by Karie Jobe
17. compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? Both in different ways, but I don't really like those terms
18. thinner or fatter? same
19. richer or poorer? I am richer in a lot of of non-monetary ways. God is teaching me to see people the way he sees them and that is a true gift. I have become a more open-minded and loving person (but also experienced more pain because of it, I think). This year has made me a richer person simply because I lived.
20. what do you wish you'd done more of?
Writing, volunteering or missions trips, traveling
21. what do you wish you'd done less of?
Complaining, obsessing, COMPARING MYSELF TO EVERYONE
22. how will you be spending your birthday? I don't know
23. how will you be spending the holidays? probably the norm, I don't know
24. did you fall in love this past year? with life a little more than last year
25. how many one-night stands? none
26. what was your favorite TV program? Law & Order: SVU, Everybody Loves Raymond, but I kind of stopped watching TV
27. do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
no
28. what was the best book you read? When Bad things Happen to Good People by Harold s. Kushner, PRacticing the PResence of God by Brother Lawerence, and Beautiful Boy by David Sheff (a memoir of a journalist's son's addiction to meth)
29. what was your greatest musical discovery? Brook Fraser of hillsong
30. what did you want and get? jobs
31. what did you want and not get? a FT teaching job (I don't know if I really wanted it, just wanted to say I got it, and also for security/benefit reasons)
32. what was your favorite film of this year?
33. what did you do on your last birthday, and how old were you?
25, nothign much celebrated with boyfriend and close friend
34. how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
35. what kept you sane? worship music (Woodland Hills and Hillsong), other favorite music and singing, close friends, WRITING and reading, crafting
36. which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
37. what political issue stirred you the most? probably economic difficulties after our church's sermon series called Compassion by Command
38. who was the best new person you met?
39. tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009: Be Still and know that I am God. Lately I have been bearing the pain of everyone around me. It's like an addiction. God is teaching me that I can't do that, to say it simply, or I may die (seriously)--like the pain is so great sometimes, I just feel like i can't live in this life. god and I talk and he tells me things like, "It's okay to just breathe. Rest against by chest and just breath. Be still. Know that I AM. I am God."
40. quote a song lyric that sums up your year: None but Jesus--brooke fraser
In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored
When You call I won’t refuse
Each new day again I’ll choose
There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise
In the chaos, in confusion
I know You’re Sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will
When You call I won’t delay
This my song through all my days
All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord Forevermore
The More I Seek You--Kari Jobe
The more i seek you,
the more i find you
The more i find you, the more I love you
I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath, here your heart beat
This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming
"it's gonna be happy new year..."
2009 in retrospect..
1. what did you do this past year that you'd never done before?
was a bridesmaid in two weddings, taught inner city Kindergarteners, went to The Fray concert, drove with a friend down to El PAso, went on a 2-week long vacation with just my parents,
2. did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I try to make a daily commitment to things otherwise I just burn out. Each day, I try to live fully by taking care of myself, and demonstrating
3. did anyone close to you give birth?
no, not til this year
4. did anyone close to you die?
my uncle Tom was killed on his bicycle in May. We shared lots of fun memories, especially the last few years. Love you, Uncle Tom!
5. what countries did you visit?
Mexico! I visited my friend Becca in El Paso and we spent some time in Juarez, Mx where she works with children in a children's home!
6. what would you like to have this year that you lacked last year?
more patience and understanding for self and others, how to see myself as a beloved person, the way Christ sees me and a willingness to trust Him more than I ever have
7. what date from this year will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
8. what was your biggest achievement of the year?
graduating from DBT (dialectic behavior therapy), making it through a tough year of teaching, being more open to God's involvement in my life in the smallest things
9. what was your biggest failure?
not being renewed as a teacher at the school I was at (even though I was going to resign anyway), or getting recognized by principal (which was kind of impossible), not getting a teaching job
10. did you suffer illness or injury?
normal every day battle with depression and migraines once a month or so
11. what was the best thing you bought?
I didn't buy a lot.
12. whose behavior merited celebration?
13. whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
14. where did most of your money go?
paying off loans; food; gas; rent, the normal!
15. what did you get really, really, really excited about?
Umm...probably when two of my friends got pregnant!
16. what song will always remind you of this year:
Any of the Woodland Hills worship songs, especially "Lead me to the Cross," "At the Foot of the Cross," "Jesus Draw Me ever Nearer", "Still"--Reuben Morgan (Hillsong) "Shadowfeet" and "None but Jesus" by Brooke Fraser (Hillsong),"The More I Seek You"--by Karie Jobe
17. compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? Both in different ways, but I don't really like those terms
18. thinner or fatter? same
19. richer or poorer? I am richer in a lot of of non-monetary ways. God is teaching me to see people the way he sees them and that is a true gift. I have become a more open-minded and loving person (but also experienced more pain because of it, I think). This year has made me a richer person simply because I lived.
20. what do you wish you'd done more of?
Writing, volunteering or missions trips, traveling
21. what do you wish you'd done less of?
Complaining, obsessing, COMPARING MYSELF TO EVERYONE
22. how will you be spending your birthday? I don't know
23. how will you be spending the holidays? probably the norm, I don't know
24. did you fall in love this past year? with life a little more than last year
25. how many one-night stands? none
26. what was your favorite TV program? Law & Order: SVU, Everybody Loves Raymond, but I kind of stopped watching TV
27. do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
no
28. what was the best book you read? When Bad things Happen to Good People by Harold s. Kushner, PRacticing the PResence of God by Brother Lawerence, and Beautiful Boy by David Sheff (a memoir of a journalist's son's addiction to meth)
29. what was your greatest musical discovery? Brook Fraser of hillsong
30. what did you want and get? jobs
31. what did you want and not get? a FT teaching job (I don't know if I really wanted it, just wanted to say I got it, and also for security/benefit reasons)
32. what was your favorite film of this year?
33. what did you do on your last birthday, and how old were you?
25, nothign much celebrated with boyfriend and close friend
34. how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
35. what kept you sane? worship music (Woodland Hills and Hillsong), other favorite music and singing, close friends, WRITING and reading, crafting
36. which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
37. what political issue stirred you the most? probably economic difficulties after our church's sermon series called Compassion by Command
38. who was the best new person you met?
39. tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009: Be Still and know that I am God. Lately I have been bearing the pain of everyone around me. It's like an addiction. God is teaching me that I can't do that, to say it simply, or I may die (seriously)--like the pain is so great sometimes, I just feel like i can't live in this life. god and I talk and he tells me things like, "It's okay to just breathe. Rest against by chest and just breath. Be still. Know that I AM. I am God."
40. quote a song lyric that sums up your year: None but Jesus--brooke fraser
In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored
When You call I won’t refuse
Each new day again I’ll choose
There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise
In the chaos, in confusion
I know You’re Sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will
When You call I won’t delay
This my song through all my days
All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord Forevermore
The More I Seek You--Kari Jobe
The more i seek you,
the more i find you
The more i find you, the more I love you
I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath, here your heart beat
This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Disappearing Objects
I wanted to post some pictures of what I've been up to in the crafty area...but alas let's add another thing to my list of disappearing objects: my connector cord for my camera (so I have no way of uploading the pics :( )
Let's see, some things on my mind, which may be the reason for my spaciness:
1) to date or not to date. Can't I enjoy my single life without feeling the pressure of "finding someone?"
2) How do you know if you've crossed the line into "New Age" thinking? Just because someone's thinking is different, are they New Age? What is New Age? Why do Christians have such a hard time with things that are "different?"
3) Why does God grant "miracles" to some and not to others? I've been struggling with this Scripture: " 'I will have mercy on wehom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.' It does not therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy." Romans 9:15-16
4) Should I look for a full time job just for the pay and benefits or should I just continue my crazy all-over-the place work life, with not a ton of security, living from paycheck to paycheck. (neither of which make me really happy? What I really want to do? Learn--go back to school! But who's going to pay for it?
5) Will I ever realize that there's no real way to "do" life, so why do I keep comparing myself to everyone and everything that ever lived or breathed? Save me from this bondage!
Let's see, some things on my mind, which may be the reason for my spaciness:
1) to date or not to date. Can't I enjoy my single life without feeling the pressure of "finding someone?"
2) How do you know if you've crossed the line into "New Age" thinking? Just because someone's thinking is different, are they New Age? What is New Age? Why do Christians have such a hard time with things that are "different?"
3) Why does God grant "miracles" to some and not to others? I've been struggling with this Scripture: " 'I will have mercy on wehom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.' It does not therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy." Romans 9:15-16
4) Should I look for a full time job just for the pay and benefits or should I just continue my crazy all-over-the place work life, with not a ton of security, living from paycheck to paycheck. (neither of which make me really happy? What I really want to do? Learn--go back to school! But who's going to pay for it?
5) Will I ever realize that there's no real way to "do" life, so why do I keep comparing myself to everyone and everything that ever lived or breathed? Save me from this bondage!
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