Where is my hope?

The other day I had a nice post written about my measly self and life. I thought, "Oh this is actually pretty good. I should save it just in case." But I didn't. Then the power suddenly went out. So much for that.

I am hurting for loved ones right now. Especially my beautiful cousin Becca who lost her third baby. I can't imagine what pain she must feel so I am crying out to God to comfort her like no one can. Then there's my friend Kat whose brother was murdered a week ago. I was reading some tributes to her brother Leo this morning. He was only 22 years old. I just can't believe what kind of f'ed up world we live in. And I am trying to hang on to hope. If not for me, at least for my sweet dear cousin who doesn't deserve any of this crap. Or for a family whose wonderful brother and son was violently, tragically ripped from their lives...

I was feeling pain earlier. But now it's deadness. Like it's not even me writing. I don't really know if I am sad. Because it is kind of no emotions. None of the stress I am dealing with can compare to the pain of these two wonderful women and the people closest to them. But comparing doesn't help I suppose.

I don't really want to talk about me and my drama with messed up relationships and lack of knowledge of self.

When listening to some of my favorite songs, I, like I often do, wondered: Do I even believe this? "He has been there before/He will be there again" and other songs with a similar Jesus-will-never-forsake-you theme. Sometimes I wonder if I am Christian, because when Greg Boyd (my pastor) says to imagine Jesus in your head, I can't. How am I supposed to know what he looked like? And I wonder if maybe Jews could get into heaven even they don't believe in Jesus. That makes me feel like a heretic.

I want to turn the world off and focus on hope and life. The only way I can do that is if I have Someone to hope in. For all my life, I've hoped in Christ because I was told to; I always wondered if I was doing it right. I don't want to hope because I'm told to. I want to hope because it's all I can do. I don't know if it's my own evil self or something evil putting thoughts in my head that I can't trust Jesus. Because look at all the people that kill themselves who were Christians...

Okay sorry for that tangent. It's like this: I trust God but Jesus is kind of distant. I know they are one and the same and Jesus is supposed to be "God visible" but I don't feel that. All I see is his Awesomeness in nature and his Beauty in people. I don't feel Him right now in this moment. Jesus. Sitting next to me as I cry for everyone who is hurting, yelling at Him: Where are you?????