Thursday, September 24, 2009

Can I Let Myself Enjoy Life?

A peak into my personal journal--from 9-22-09

Dear God,

I can't thank you enough for what's been going on. I could analyze it (OK truth be told, I already have: Let's see, am I content because of hormones, my transmitters are balanced, out of my own strength, my will to just "think positively", You rewarding me for ???, or any other number of reasons.) God, I don't know why I'm feeling okay, well, I guess, because of the many things I've accomplished: moving out, cleaning my old place, taking care of myself financially, trying to do the right thing with Matt, doing well at my new jobs, etc. But why is it that all these good things have to happen for me to be okay, dare I say, happy, joyful???? And what about when I feel intense pain, desperation for no rational reason. And what about when I feel "joyful" when I have great reason to be distressed? LORD, these feelings are so confusing; I just want to be stable and not have to question everything: motives, body chemistry, amount of faith, etc. LORD, when nothing makes sense, I'm glad to know that it's in Your hands and makes sense to You! Lord, I am happy and I want to embrace it, want to celebrate, what's wrong with getting excited?? It's the fears, lies that creep in, telling me I'm supposed to be miserable...WHAT?? I don't understand how I can believe that but it's a struggle I've dealt with as long as I can remember!! Fear of, well if I'm having fun, maybe I'm not working (i.e. today) and I'm not working, well, then I'm lazy. And I feel guilty as well. I'm using the government, which includes people way less off than me. I feel incompetent..." Yeah then it continues. Just because I applied for one week of unemployment doesn't mean I'm lazy; I still worked just not FT and this week I will have worked approx. 30 hours!! (between 3 jobs) Thank you God!

2 comments:

  1. Wow--what an accomplishment for you! Good job on getting things managed. It's nice to hear that you are experiencing happiness and joy. Part of having good emotions is having negative ones too--it's what you do with the negative ones that can impact the positive. It's a stuggle we all have--so you're not alone. The evil one wants us to be miserable, so the battle continues. You're not a lazy person by any stretch of the word--having time for yourself and doing absolutely nothing is refreshing for the soul--your body needs a break too and doesn't always need to be doing something. Embrace those times--I know my sister wishes she had more of them. I'm glad to hear that God is working with you and that thoughts are being worked through with Him. Be glad and enjoy the day!

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  2. These are all normal feelings! When things are good I am joyful, when things are bad I am sad. I am constantly feeling guilty when I can't praise Him because I am sad or when I'm on a high because things are great. This is normal. I just wish their was less guilt involved. I also think Satan is involved in a lot of it. He wants us to feel miserable all the time. Hope the new place and jobs are suiting you well! :)

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