Memory Jars

I really enjoyed doing homemade gifts this year. I was so blessed in writing all these memories of my loved ones (three brothers, mom and dad) and creating a collage on the outside of a variety of jars. I also made tons of homemade cards and put them in sets for my girlfriends and sisters-in-law.


Dad got really teary


Greg reading some memories


Nate looking at his jar, and Kat with her homemade cards


Sarah Jane and her homemade cards

Yesterday's Mind

I had to borrow this because it it describes very well how it is inside my mind. This man's blog has been helpful to me in my struggle with depression.

It was the kind of thing I might read about in a case history – safely distant, someone else's particular torture. But it wasn't remote; it had directly invaded my brain. That overpowering noise could distort every mental pattern, setting all perception loose from its mooring. The torrent of sounds and sights disorients each moment, leaving nothing firm to hold to, no shape I can recognize , only a din of color, motion, threateningly near, whips of sensation, each small pain magnified in intensity because each is experienced for the first time as part of a shriek-like collision. There is a flailing to organize, find pattern and order, the habit of the intentional mind, but nothing sticks, no memory holds, no meaning persists to render the assault of bulleting crashes ordinary, expectable, endurable. It is the constant stress of assault, defense, striking back, retreat. No escape, just a desperate running, and there is nowhere to run. ~John Folk-Williams

Success

Just read an article called "How to Practice Safe Optimism" by Tamar Chamsky.Here's a link to the whole (really good) article. I could write a blog entry about each one she lists, but today I will just stick with one:

Strategy Five: Define success flexibly: Value process, not just product An optimist hopes for the best, but has realistic expectations. There isn't just one bull's eye of success and everything else is failure. This usually means girding ourselves for slow progress and defining success broadly. When we set unrealistic expectations we manufacture unnecessary disappointment that we then have to waste our precious energy overcoming--it's an additional hurdle which we don't need right now.

This reminds me of what I read in Never Good Enough (a book about perfectionism) and what I learned in DBT about black and white thinking. Currently I am working on "cognitive restructing." Due to my perfectionism, personality and other things, I tend to have really distorted expectations for myself.

Success has been defined in my mind in black and white terms. Such as, "Your teaching licensce was non-renewed. Failure." "You're single with no children at age 25. Failure." "You don't have a 'real' job. Failure." "No graduate degree. In fact, no idea what you want to do with your life. Double failure." I could keep going but this isn't helping things. SO I have to change these thoughts into degrees. Such as "You survived two years teaching inner city teaching. Success!" and "You will make a better wife and mother one day because of your committment to healing of self and waiting until you are older and wiser. Success!"

More on this later.

Crafty Times

A lot can be done with the same rubber stamp! This "Sketch Flower Trio" from Hero Arts is one of my favs! These are among a bunch of cards created in one afternoon all with similar layouts.

I am so Sick of Trying so Hard

More about this later but I will share the lyrics of a song that I like, that kind of talks about this waiting period I am in. I need to let Him be Who He is and realize this trying is just pushing me into a deepr feeling of insanity

The Altar and the Door
-Casting Crowns

Careless, I am reckless
I'm a wrong way traveling, slowly unraveling, shell of a man
Burn out, I'm so numb now
That the fire's just an ember way down in the corner, of my cold, cold heart

Lord this time, I'll make it right
Here at the altar I lay my life
You're kingdom come and my will was done
My heart is broken as I cry....

Like so many times before
I flood my eyes
I try before I leave the floor
Oh Lord I try...(I'll try)
but this time Jesus how can I be sure
I would not lose my follow through
between the altar and the door

Here at the altar
Oh my world so black and white
How could I ever falter
What you've show me to be right

Lord this time (Lord this time)
I'll make it right (make it right)
Here at the altar I lay my life
You're kingdom come, but my will was done
my heart is broken as I cry

Like so many times before
but my eyes, are dry before I leave the floor
Oh Lord I try... (I'll try)

but this time Jesus how can I be sure
I would not lose my follow through
between the altar and the door

I'm trying so hard, to stop trying so hard
just let you be who you are
Lord who You are in me

Not Me! Monday!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.


I did *not* text my boss and try to get out of a shift. Whoever heard of doing that these days?

I did *not* step on it just so I wouldn't get passed in the left lane because I just love it when people don't give you the opportunity to get over and go crazy mad if you don't change lanes IMMEDIATELY.

I did *not* go 100 texts over on my parents and my family plan. Because I am one to actually hold a conversation with people. Why do people text anyway?

I did *not* pack my lunch for today, dinner for tonight, prepare my coffee for tomorrow, and pack my lunch for tomorrow all by 1:00 p.m. today. Because I am not a planner or overachiever and I just like to fly by the seat of my pants.

I did *not* help my dad get the Christmas tree down off the top of the garage using a rake to push it and slide it, neither did I whine and complain that my neck was hurting when he was the one who has chronic pain and the 150 lb tree was falling directly on top of him.

I did *not* spend 3 hours choosing, saving, and trying to position pictures on a page to print for the Christmas presents I am working on. Because of course I am NOT a perfectionist and I don't waste time on such things.

I did *not* refuse to help my mom decorate her Christmas tree (the one that I didn't help get down). Because I love being nostalgic and Christmasy and would never refuse to spend time with my dear mother who lives 200 miles away.

Life

Last night I went with my friend Oscar to Bodies:The Exhibition at Mall of America...I was a little bit aware of what I would experience. But right now... I am struggling with words to explain the depth of these thoughts. For someone who gets overwhelmed easily, this exhibition was a big step but I know how to pace myself. I can't really explain what it is that I experienced, so you'll have to go for yourself.

I just cannot believe the intricacies of our bodies. How all of these bones, ligaments, organs, etc. all fit so neatly. They all have their place and function to make us the most incredible creatures on earth. On top of that there are hundreds of miles of arteries and nerves. One of my favorite displays (couldn't find pics of it) was an entire body of just the spinal cord connected to all the nerves from head to toe. It's so hard to explain. How does all this fit inside us??? There was another that was just the arteries. If all of our blood vessels were connected end to end they would extend 62,000 miles or 2 1/2 times around the earth. Plus there's the small and large intestines which are 7 feet and 5 feet long, repectively if stretched out. We are truly amaaaazing miracles. There are no words in any language to describe how beautifully creative God is.

This was truly a remarkable experience. The fetus room was especially beautiful but unfortunately we ran out of time to stay too long in it. I could see how big the fetus was at different stages (one for each of my friends who are pregnant-practically!) HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? IT is truly a remarkable gift. I am even more in awe of the beauty of God and his creation--each of us (including myself). How could anyone consider throwing away such a precious gift? (Take that whatever way you want.)

Even now I am frustrated and exhausted at my lack of words for how awestruck I am. Thank you God for my life and the lives of each amazing person you've created.