New Things

My mind is busy as always. The last two weekends were pretty fun. I went to IL to see family. Got to stay with my beloved cousin, Becca and her husband Dan. It was refreshing to get away. Then, on Monday, my first day of Teacher Workshop Week, a really bad cold hit, from which I am still recovering.

My parents came this past weekend, as well as some friends from out of town. Although a little overwhelmed with thoughts and discussions with my parents about theology, my weekend was, for the most part, refreshing.

Tomorrow I start my first day of teaching at my new job. I also started my Special Ed grad program last week. Lots of thoughts are floating around about faith, God, and Christianity; getting back into teaching; people with disabilities and why I decided to go into special education; depression/mental health; my upcoming trip to OR for my brother's wedding; relationships with friends; and an important decision I must make about a particular relationship with a good friend who happens to be a guy.

I am feeling mostly at peace about all of these new things. But the dreariness outside has put me in a strange mood. I feel tranquility that is on the edge of a kind of nothingness, blah-ness. I want to be ready for my week but it's like there is a strange something blocking my path toward awareness. I would like to get out of this funk but I am not sure where to turn or what to do.

Smile

This is me and Ru (short for "Rufus") the dog I am taking care of. He makes me smile with his wagging tail and crazy excitement for life. The family he is a part of is such a great family and I smile thinking about them too. I hope they are enjoying their vacation. Their daughter Maddie is a wonderful young woman I PCA for (I talked about her on a different post.)

I am feeling awake and rejuvenated unlike last evening. MY body is ripping apart realizing the days are getting shorter. I know it could have been due to thunderstorms going through, but seriously yesterday it was dark already at 8 pm. :( It's amazing what my neurotransmitters do when the sun goes down at the end of each day.

This morning Ru and I got a nice walk in. I am not used to big dogs but luckily the leader collar helps. Sometimes he'll suddenly lurk forward in pursuit of a squirrel; there was one close call.

I feel very proud of myself because I have been getting ready for the fall by lesson planning (yes, already!) This morning I received an email with the "Specialist's schedule" (Specialists are non-classroom teachers like Art, Music, PE, and Spanish-me). IT looks like there are 4 first grade classes and 3 classes of grades 2-5. Whew! But the nice thing is I will only have them for 30 minutes at a time. Each class will see me every 2 to 3 days. I am really starting to (allow myself to) get excited.

Probably my biggest struggle in life is allowing myself to experience joy, excitement and fun. It has a lot to do with my melancholy personality. I am more of a negative person, but of course I can be quite positive too. I am also quite hard on myself and I hate to fail. Plus, change is hard for anyone, but especially me it seems. So that's why this new job and grad school coming up are scary.

In my struggles with loneliness, worry and physical discomfort lately, I have been feeling even more drawn to my Savior and the Healer of my body. I have met Him primarily through music. One of my favorite artists is Meredith Andrews. All of her songs are amazing. I especially love "Can Anybody Hear Me?" It speaks to me because it's just how I feel. I'll share it with you:

I’m staring at these empty walls
Wondering when You’ll visit me again
When will You come?
If there is anything at all
Coming in between our love
Please show me, ‘cuz I am barely hanging on

Can anybody hear me?
The silence is deafening
Why do You feel so far away?
When I know You’re here with me
But I just need faith to see
Nothing can separate me from Your love

Believing what I can’t see
Has never come naturally to me
And I’ve got questions
But I am certain of a Love
Strong enough to hold me when I’m doubting
You’ll never let go of my hand

Can anybody hear me?
The silence is deafening
Why do You feel so far away?
When I know You’re here with me
But I just need faith to see
Nothing can separate me from Your love

I will trust in You, even in the moments
I can’t find you, and I will hold on to
Your promises of love
You’ve never failed before

I know You can hear me
When the silence is deafening
Even though You seem far away
And I know You’re here with me
But I just need faith to see
Nothing can separate me from Your love

Hope you were blessed by these words. Now off to to see my beloved niece, nephew, bro and sis-in-law! Oh how I love them.

Lonely but at Peace

A few weeks ago I had the deepest feelings of loneliness I remembered having in a very long time. I cried and cried my heart out to God. I did feel sad but it didn't feel like depression as much as just this aching emptiness. I was supposed to go to this event with a friend and she backed out of it at the last minute. It was a "Wellness Picnic" hosted by the chiropractor/wellness place I go to. And it was too last minute to ask anyone else, beside the fact that not very people in my life are interested in this sort of thing. For almost nine weeks I have battled internally if I should even be going to this place. Since I started going my anxiety and OCD tendencies (obsessive thoughts) have gotten way worse. I have been extremely ambivalent and pulled in two different directions, wondering if on the one hand I am going overboard with my health concerns (that are now obsessions) but yet wanting to take care of this body God has given me and seek solace and freedom from my many maladies. I have felt utterly ALONE in this process because everyone in my life is on one side of the fence or the other (the majority thinking this place has made me more anxious and obsessed and I should stop going).

SO the Saturday of the picnic when my friend (my one "health nut" friend who lives nearby) backed out, I was torn. My parents were in town and I knew I'd see them tomorrow but felt I "should" be with them instead of going to some thing where I didn't know anyone. I did end up going and it was okay. The talk on "Spine Fitness" was good and I picked up some tips. But I didn't meet anyone my age in my situation as I'd hoped. In fact there weren't very many people there at all. I quickly got over my extreme sadness after the event and during work at the group home that evening.

But I still struggle with this intense loneliness off and on. Mostly due to this health battle, depression/anxiety battle, and what faith/God has to say about it. Feel quite misunderstood and discouraged by both the people who seem to know me and care about me best AND by these new people who I feel have some hidden knowledge and I'm struggling whether or not to trust them. Also because I don't have a significant other with which to share these intense struggles. :(

I don't feel lonely very often because I am an introvert. Being alone is something I love. Even when I was seriously dating I had to be alone many nights a week (this drives a boyfriend mad, I realize.) I am so dragged down when I am around lots of noise, commotion, and chaos also because I am an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) (See one of my links to right if you're wondering what that is.)

A blog friend of mine said to talk about my birthday party. I wanted to put up pics but I am house sitting so I don't have them handy. I had a really crazy weekend (half of the events I'd planned ended up being cancelled due to a 3-day migraine--my body's way of telling me "too much!" I suppose). But Sunday I was feeling better and had a birthday get together at a nearby place called Chatterbox Pub (I planned the event myself). I had written to God in my journal earlier, "I am going to have caffeine and maybe a little alcohol because I want to be like my outgoing, extroverted friends." And, being that I am extremely sensitive to caffeine because I no longer have it, my one cup of tea had me wired for the evening! We had a great time. I couldn't believe about twenty of my friends showed up. Less than two years and a few months ago, I knew only two of these people. I am very blessed that God directed me to the church I am at now (Woodland Hills) and these wonderful people. We had yummy food, played games and of course the best part: karaoke! Only a very few people were actually interested so that was a bummer, but we still had a good time. After there was only me and few people left, we decided to leave, but I still felt insatiable like I wished I could keep singing the whole night. I knew it had to do with caffeine and my love for singing, but this energy and desire kind of scared me. That night I ended up awake until 4:30 a.m. the next day but I didn't even have a migraine the next day. Thank you God!

During my party I didn't have any of the obsessions about food or health and really was able to relax with my wonderful friends. Even the food I had didn't affect me negatively (like most restaurant food does). Hallelujah!

After that night, I felt a bit of a let down. Because as always I was searching for something to fill me up. Of course it wasn't wrong to go out and have fun...but I can't really get into that here. I spent a few days with my parents in WI and that was good. Now I am house/dog-sitting for some friends of mine and again feel kind of lonely but at the same time glad to have it quiet and relax some.

Lots of thoughts and some neck and hand pain (from typing) but I am so glad to be at peace now.

Alone

A beautiful song that has really spoken to me the last few days and weeks. (All of Meredith Andrews' songs are amazing.)

You're Not Alone
~Meredith Andrews

I search for love
When the night came and it closed in
I was alone
but you found me where I was hiding
and now I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name
saying

You're not alone
for I am here
let me wipe away your every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the one who's loved you all your life
All of your life

You cry yourself to sleep
cause the hurt is real
and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost
With heartache your closest friend
and everyone else long gone

You've had to face the music on your own
but there is a sweeter song that calls you home
saying

You're not alone
for I am here
let me wipe away your every tear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest nights
And I'm the one who's loved you all your life
All your life

Faithful and true... Forever
For my love will carry you....

You're not alone
for I... I am here
let me wipe away every fear... Oh yeah
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through your darkest night
Your darkest night
And I'm the one who's loved you all your life
All of your life

Frustrated with Google and Blogger

Is there any blogger out there who can answer my questions???

1) I am quite frustrated right now with Google. I switched to a different gmail and have not figured out how to transfer my new blog with it. Instead my blog ONLY opens up under my old gmail address. (Hence, I constantly have to SIGN OUT of blogger and sign in AGAIN with my OLD EMAIL. ANNOYING!!!!!) I went online for an answer and they said you can add a blog to the "Contributors" section. Well, that did not help because I still cannot access my blog directly from my current "brittanybettger@gmail.com" account. HELP!

2) I am wondering if I should switch to wordpress. Is that better? Could I have all my stuff from this blog transfer to the new one? Any recommendations. Does anyone even read my blog???????????????

How Change Affects Me

I haven't written in a while because mostly, I think, what's the point? I barely understand myself, why should I even try to put it into words for other people to try and understand me, that is, IF people even read what I write.

I am an extremely sensitive person (Elaine Aron's book The Highly Sensitive Person is amazing, describes me well and has really made an impression on my life) and lately I have been very touched by life's changes.

I was talking to my counselor the other day and explaining how in the last couple weeks all this stuff happened: my bro Greg and sis-in-law Sarah suddenly had twins and moved from Texas to my neighborhood; my younger bro Tim came back suddenly from Germany for surgery and went back a few days ago; I got a teaching job for the fall; I am beginning grad school; my oldest brother Nate and his fiancée are getting married in a few months and want to start having kids ASAP; I found out my dog is dying and how that's affecting my parents is really tearing my up (not to mention how I already worry about them); within a few hours of each other, I found out a dear person in my life had a second miscarriage AND that a couple who I led youth with at my old church were involved in a horrific incident in which they were both shot (the wife died)...and it goes on.

Not to mention how much has happened over the last few years that I am still trying to get a handle on, both with me AND the people close to me in life. One thing with me is that I feel SO deeply and this has proven a blessing and curse.

I was so sick after hearing about my friend who lost his wife that I went through a phase (few days) of feeling guilty if I even tried to make myself happy. The thought: ("How is it okay that I am happy when my friend is suffering so much?") I struggle with this immensely when I hear of tragedies. That's why the news is so hard to watch. What's the point? I can DO NOTHING so I feel horrible and guilty a lot.

The good news: I have been feeling better after these incidences and have started to reframe my thoughts. I know my friends and loved ones wouldn't want me to suffer like that. And as my counselor said, we will all have horrific things in our life. That makes me remember when my brother Tim had his life-threatening motorcycle accident. While I felt the worst pain of my life, I felt I had a role so that's how I kept going. I knew I had to be there for my family. But with others' tragedies, I somehow feel it is my role to suffer because they are suffering and if I stop going crazy, then that is not fair to them.

I know it's messed up; that's what depression and anxiety can do to a person. (See how it's kind of an extreme form of empathy?) And I know it is spiritual too. My Lord doesn't want me to suffer this way and he can comfort people more than I ever could. That alone is a good thought and eases my burdens. Satan definitely wants me to be depressed about all these tragedies and wants to spur on all these lies in my head. Yes, yes I know all this. But for some reason, as I get older, I realize life isn't getting any better as far as bad news goes.

Jesus, can you please come back soon?

And now I am in over my head with the "sad state of American health care" (a new obsession: good or bad, I am not sure, but that's for another entry...)

My Wonderful Day

Many wonderful things have happened today this first day in weeks (?) of delightful sun. I had taken a deep dip inside of myself this past weekend and it was not fun. I cannot explain how the depression gripped me like an eagle's talons grabs its prey. I was overtaken by uncontrollable crying spells, horrible thoughts, painful and uncomfortable physical symptoms, and literally had a hard time breathing.

Thanks be to the LORD for a new day. I woke up and had an interview this morning and it went a lot better than anticipated! It was for a Spanish elementary teaching position-actually there are four positions available but they might combine a few because they are less than full time. But i am interested in taking them BECAUSE they are less than FT because i will be starting grad school. I would like to teach but I am very concerned about my mental and physical stability if I begin a brand new FT teaching job AND grad school! So we will see what God has in store. There were only 2 interviewers so not too intimidating. The questions were not hard. As anticipated one person asked me questions in Spanish and they were easily understood. I stumbled quite a bit (in my opinion). One of the questions in Spanish was to describe how to teach 2nd graders about a "Family" theme. Well, it just so happens that I did JUST THAT in Guatemala but to Mayan girls in English so i was able to show them an example of the puppets I used in the lesson! Even if my Spanish wasn't great, hopefully they are impressed. Anyway, they will narrow it down to 5 people (out of 10) for the 2nd interview-which will be with more people! So I should find out tomorrow if I made it to the next round. I would like to make home made thank you cards for the interviewers if I can keep this enthusiasm up!

After my interview, I came home and found that an electrician was working in my room so it had turned into a tornado. No worries. I grabbed my undergarments without him looking and changed from my suit coat into work out clothes to go for a walk on this gorgeous day. Then for about 5 minutes I got to talk to my friend Becca in El Paso who i haven't talked to in FOREVER. After a refreshing walk, I made myself a nice frozen drink with this amAAAZing goji berry juice i bought. The electrician had left so that gave me the opportunity to straighten and clean my room. Then my roomie Jenn and I went to the library where it was horrendously busy with all the kids on summer break and an in-house juggler. I got some yoga videos, a yoga book and a book called the Sugar Solution.

We then went to my favorite store ever Fresh & Natural Foods where I bought stuff to make a delightfully yummy organic (mostly) gluten free pasta salad. So that's what I did when I got home AFTER mowing the front yard even though the mower made me so annoyed that I cursed at it (really loudly because I had my music blaring on my ipod). After making the pasta, I blared the rock music on pandora and cleaned and sanitizing while squashing tiny little black ants in the process (they have now somehow gotten up in my cupboard and have found my organic ginger and honey!)

Now my pasta salad is cooling. It is for my small group get- together tonight--with some of my best friends in the world. Anyway, it has been a great day so far. (I even had a headache and it went away!)