I am feeling quite discouraged by everything around me. I've tried to ask for help. My anxiety has decreased and now this blanket of sadness…if I close my eyes and just allow my emotions to take over, I probably would not be able to contain these tears. Outside the snow falls soft, barely there. That’s how I feel: barely there. I’m not going down into the hole. It’s almost like I am at peace in this sadness because I am not alone. There’s a woman at my school who I’m really worried about. I wish I could tell her how I feel, how I know how it is. I’m still recovering from the black days, from the time where hope was buried so deep there was no way to unleash it. When breathing was a task. So much of a task I didn’t even realize it. I can’t talk to her…yet. I don’t even really know her yet my heart is breaking when I can sense her desperation.
And there’s the students. And this occupation. Everyone’s talking about it. Why are we in this field again? Does what we do make any sort of difference? Sometimes I am so disconnected from what I always that I was, what I could do. I sit and stare at my class of kids and think, this is what I always wanted. So why do I feel empty, so utterly barren in the depths behind my shaken heart. I almost get to the point I want to be. I can feel excitement build, anticipation because my real creative loving self is trying so desperately to be the teacher I always dreamed I’d be. But then frustration which, thank God, does not lead to rage like it once did. But rather disenchantment. I just sit there and all my hope is extinguished because these kids are so needy, desperate, searching, hungry. The way they express this is with their disrespect, their disruptiveness, their meanness to classmates, their obnoxious comments and actions. I do not feel anger toward them. Just sadness for them, their classmates, me. There’s something missing in their lives that makes them think they can do whatever they want. And as every day passes, it only seems to get worse. That kids are becoming harder and harder to teach because of their messed up home lives, our poisoned environment. The questions about why children are the way they are…as compared to a few decades (even a few years) ago…they never end. My mind is bleeding trying to catch my breath, fill up my spirit with answers.
Oh God sometimes I cannot breathe in this world. I am so desperate for your healing. The people around me don’t realize how desperate they are for Your touch, Your life. Especially these innocent kids. But the world just gets worse and worse. I don’t know for sure why I have chosen teaching as a career. It has rarely been what I always dreamed it would be. But I’m not sure I would be confronted with a different picture of the world if I had a different career. In fact, I know I wouldn’t. The world is messed up. The older I get, the more I realize it and the more I long for heaven.
Behind every smile, I see tears and the realness behind the plastic. I want to believe the person is really happy. Maybe he or she is or maybe they think they are. I’m not sure my sadness is really wrong yet. It hasn’t brought me to a blackness where I can’t think about going on. I praise God for my ability to get up when I’m down, which I couldn’t do just a few years ago. And there’s so much to thank Him for in this job. I’m not trying to just survive anymore…I am really working on myself. I generally have hope…well, lately it has been slipping a bit. But I remind myself of all the things working against me that affect my outlook: my history of serious depression, getting off my meds, it’s winter and this is when I’m usually the lowest, my stress levels, and more. The fact that I am still this positive makes me marvel at how God is working through me.
I don’t feel I am getting out what I wanted to say. I guess when talking with (listening to) some of my coworkers this morning, I realized everyone’s having similar thoughts as me but they only let their guard down just a bit. It’s easy to see how they use good things-humor, friendships, food, etc.- to boost themselves up, to cover up what’s really going on, which I think is good-something I need to do more. Otherwise these teachers wouldn’t be able to do their job. They would end up in the hospital like me.
But I just feel for them…for the students too and wish You could do some sort of miracle to help us out of our misery, to clear up this devastating confusion, to wipe the tears, to instill strength, inspiration.
Love and dedication is not enough. I cannot change these kids’ circumstances with just these. Nothing is changing it seems. But I want to believe what I am doing is making some small difference.
I am kind of going through the motions when it comes to my job. I plan and plan and it seems all this agonizing does nothing. No matter the kids’ behaviors, I still tend to blame myself…Don’t really want to get into this. Maybe I can observe some of the other Spanish teachers to get some inspiration.
I am down but not defeated. If anything I feel kind of comfortable underneath my blanket of sadness.
I want to do more than just long for heaven in this life. I live here right now so teach me what that means. Is this world ugly or beautiful? Beautiful because it is Yours and You are in control. Beautiful because of the beautiful people I meet and engage with every day. Your creations. Beautiful because of the colors, the skies that take my breath away. The crisp white against a spectacular blue sky. Winter’s hues are truly amazing. When I can soak in these beauties, I can escape the other reality. The reality of ugliness. This reality seeps into my conscious and invades my veins and I can barely breathe because of the stench. Somehow we are to live and breathe in the moment. And that moment is in this hideous world, where somehow I am still able to see indescribable beauty. I can feel indescribable pain at the same moment as I sense unfathomable peace and security. Lord, help me live in Your love in this dichotomous world, hanging onto hope despite an aching heart, shaky spirit and downtrodden soul.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
2010 in Retrospect
I know I haven't written in a while... Here's a little about my year.
1. what did you do this past year that you’d never done before?
a. went ice skating! (March)
b. became an Auntie to Callum and Corryn (June)
c. started a grad school program (Aug)
d. became an elementary Spanish teacher (Aug)
e. became extra concerned about my health
f. tried a gluten free diet (among many other diets)
g. began seeing a chiropractor regularly
h. was part of an untraditional but beautiful wedding of my dear brother Nate and sis-in-law Kat on the Oregon coast! (Sep)
i. saw the West coast (Sep)
i. did not buy material gifts for Christmas and (mostly) didn’t feel guilty about it
2. did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I did not explicitly make a resolution but it was probably something about being healthier physically, emotionally and spiritually and I think I have achieved those goals! (Of course I have a LONG way to go!)
3. did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes! Dallas & Brandon = Jacob (March); Zach & Beth = Jude (April); Greg and Sarah = Callum & Corryn; Bethany & Jesus = Armando (Oct.)
4. did anyone close to you die?
a friend of mine died last week. She was a wonderful woman with disabilities I had the pleasure of working with for several years. I am so glad she is free of pain and in peace now but we will miss her dearly!
There were several tragic deaths of people extremely close to some of my friends and family members. It was and still is very hard to see my loved ones go through these painful losses.
5. what countries did you visit?
Just the west coast of the U.S.
6. what would you like to have this year that you lacked last year?
more peace, patience and hope
7. what date from this year will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
June 10-Callum & Corryn were born! Sept 18-Nate & Kat got married!
8. what was your biggest achievement of the year?
making choices that support my health; developing in my character; not going into a major depression (so far) this winter!
9. what was your biggest failure?
messing up another relationship
10. did you suffer illness or injury?
I was blessed to be mostly healthy this year! Thanks, God!
11. what was the best thing you bought?
good, wholesome food from the Earth!
12. whose behavior merited celebration?
my dear friend and roommate Theresa, who has been such an encouragement to me and has taken the brunt of my actions
my beloved parents who continue to support me unconditionally
13. whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
mine, mostly in the way I treat the guys I date and my closest friends
14. where did most of your money go?
food (I don't buy cheap grub!), loans, grad school
15. what did you get really, really, really excited about?
I don’t get really (x3) excited about much, just excited period. Probably having Greg & Sarah moving back to MN and being a part of my niece and nephew’s lives!
17. compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
Neither, I would say more hopeful!
18. thinner or fatter?
Same, thanks God!
19. richer or poorer?
Poorer in the monetary sense. More loans have been taken out so I’m MORE in the hole! Richer in that I am a better, stronger person because of another year of life.
20. what do you wish you’d done more of?
•Playing piano and violin!
•Staying in touch with people close to me better, sending more cards, etc.
•Writing more, especially blogging, not being afraid to share my thoughts with others to possibly help them!
•Exercising regularly.
*Volunteering or missions trips
21. what do you wish you’d done less of?
•Worrying and analyzing and trying to be perfect, I’m at pro at that!
•Eating sweets
•Watching depressing and violent TV shows
22. how will you be spending your birthday? No idea!
23. how will you be spending the holidays?
Hopefully with my family, maybe a few of my brothers will be home this year. And I will have a new niece or nephew by that time! Yay!
24. did you fall in love this past year? nope, not that I know of
25. how many one-night stands? none
26. what was your favorite TV program? At the beginning of the year, I watched a lot of Law & Order: SVU and CSI. Not good for someone so sensitive and especially before bed!
27. do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No, I’ve been able to be more understanding of people thanks to God working in me
28. what was the best book you read?
So many!!! Here are just a few of the books that really influenced my thoughts and actions this year:
•The Soul Tells a Story by Vinita Hampton Wright
•Seeing is Believing by Greg Boyd
•The G-Free Diet: A Gluten Free Survival Guide by Elizabeth Hasselbeck
•Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes by Therese Borchard
•The Antidepressant Solution: A Step-by Step Guide to Safely Overcome Antidepressant Withdrawal, Dependence and “Addiction” by Joseph Glenmullen
•Lincoln's Melancholy: How Depression Challenged a President and Fueled His Greatness by Joshua Wolf Shenk
•An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison
•Down Came the Rain by Brooke Shields
*Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Piccoult
•The Help by Kathryn Stockett
•Born on a Blue Day by Daniel Tammet
•Expecting Adam by Martha Beck
I recommend ALL of these! Ask and, with delight, I will tell you how they changed me!
29. what was your greatest musical discovery?
Kari Jobe, Meredith Andrews, Michael Gungor, Michael Buble, George Winston
30. what did you want and get?
•A job! Thanks God!
•Healthy babies for my brother/sis-in-law and friends! Thanks God!
•To be an auntie
•Strength, endurance and personal health and healing!
•To be (mostly) depression free! Woot!
31. what did you want and not get?
•A man to fall in love and spend my entire life with
•Clarity for my future career path
•To be married with children
•To be anxiety free (this'll never happen in this life, I guess.)
•To not be dependent on my antidepressants
32. what was your favorite film of this year?
Probably Toy Story 3! So sweet, I cried!
33. what did you do on your last birthday, and how old were you?
Twenty-flippin-siX! Crazy! I had a horrible HORRIBLE migraine. While medicated, I worked a shift at the group home, I came home to find my room decorated by my sweet roomies. Then I went to bed despite a lot of hammering and drilling (a friend was working on our house on the other side of the wall where I was desperately trying to rest!) BUT I celebrated two days later with a karaoke party which I set up. I was so blessed to have a large group of friends show up! What a memorable day!
34. how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
I’ve been told I’m good at accessorizing my jewelry with my outfits! (Luckily, I have a mom who makes amazingly cute jewelry)
35. what kept you sane?
Writing/journaling
Reading! (got me through so many days!)
Counseling was always helpful-talking to someone who is pretty much a perfect stranger, no biases… etc. I’d highly recommend it.
My beloved roommate Theresa and other friends and family members
36. which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
37. what political issue stirred you the most?
I don’t understand it…but the health care stuff really hits close to home.
38. who was the best new person you met?
my friend Nike from Nigeria I “met” on my blog. She’s been such an encouragement to me. I look forward to getting to know her more this year!
39. tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
A few things I’ve concluded (based on my 3-18-10 journal entry):
-You have no right to judge another’s experience.
-People are never as they appear on the outside.
-Pain is pain.
-You can always find joy even in the hardest times.
-You can never get this moment back.
-Faith is dead without action.
-You can choose to feel differently about any situation.
-People rarely notice you (the way you think they do) and that’s quite freeing!
-Always assume the best but be aware of the worst.
-Christ is incarnate; He is found in anything beautiful of the world, most often the day-to-day things you forget to acknowledge.
-Hope is living in the moment but knowing one day everything will be perfect.
-You may mean little to the world, but to one person, you may mean the world (and that’s a great reason to stay alive!)
-My body is not my own; it is my Creator’s that’s why I am a sacred and beautiful person.
-People come and go from our lives; I strive to learn from each one, knowing that the one conversation we have may very well be the only one.
-Each mistake is a chance to learn more about yourself and become a better person.
-Self-hate is a sure way to make yourself look ugly.
-Striving for perfection takes away this moment to be completely you.
40. quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
“you make beautiful things
you make beautiful things
out of us
all around
hope is springing up from this old ground
out of chaos life is being found in you
you make beautiful things
you make beautiful things
out of the dust
you make beautiful things
you make beautiful things
out of us” ~ Beautiful Things by Michael Gungor
1. what did you do this past year that you’d never done before?
a. went ice skating! (March)
b. became an Auntie to Callum and Corryn (June)
c. started a grad school program (Aug)
d. became an elementary Spanish teacher (Aug)
e. became extra concerned about my health
f. tried a gluten free diet (among many other diets)
g. began seeing a chiropractor regularly
h. was part of an untraditional but beautiful wedding of my dear brother Nate and sis-in-law Kat on the Oregon coast! (Sep)
i. saw the West coast (Sep)
i. did not buy material gifts for Christmas and (mostly) didn’t feel guilty about it
2. did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I did not explicitly make a resolution but it was probably something about being healthier physically, emotionally and spiritually and I think I have achieved those goals! (Of course I have a LONG way to go!)
3. did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes! Dallas & Brandon = Jacob (March); Zach & Beth = Jude (April); Greg and Sarah = Callum & Corryn; Bethany & Jesus = Armando (Oct.)
4. did anyone close to you die?
a friend of mine died last week. She was a wonderful woman with disabilities I had the pleasure of working with for several years. I am so glad she is free of pain and in peace now but we will miss her dearly!
There were several tragic deaths of people extremely close to some of my friends and family members. It was and still is very hard to see my loved ones go through these painful losses.
5. what countries did you visit?
Just the west coast of the U.S.
6. what would you like to have this year that you lacked last year?
more peace, patience and hope
7. what date from this year will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
June 10-Callum & Corryn were born! Sept 18-Nate & Kat got married!
8. what was your biggest achievement of the year?
making choices that support my health; developing in my character; not going into a major depression (so far) this winter!
9. what was your biggest failure?
messing up another relationship
10. did you suffer illness or injury?
I was blessed to be mostly healthy this year! Thanks, God!
11. what was the best thing you bought?
good, wholesome food from the Earth!
12. whose behavior merited celebration?
my dear friend and roommate Theresa, who has been such an encouragement to me and has taken the brunt of my actions
my beloved parents who continue to support me unconditionally
13. whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
mine, mostly in the way I treat the guys I date and my closest friends
14. where did most of your money go?
food (I don't buy cheap grub!), loans, grad school
15. what did you get really, really, really excited about?
I don’t get really (x3) excited about much, just excited period. Probably having Greg & Sarah moving back to MN and being a part of my niece and nephew’s lives!
17. compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
Neither, I would say more hopeful!
18. thinner or fatter?
Same, thanks God!
19. richer or poorer?
Poorer in the monetary sense. More loans have been taken out so I’m MORE in the hole! Richer in that I am a better, stronger person because of another year of life.
20. what do you wish you’d done more of?
•Playing piano and violin!
•Staying in touch with people close to me better, sending more cards, etc.
•Writing more, especially blogging, not being afraid to share my thoughts with others to possibly help them!
•Exercising regularly.
*Volunteering or missions trips
21. what do you wish you’d done less of?
•Worrying and analyzing and trying to be perfect, I’m at pro at that!
•Eating sweets
•Watching depressing and violent TV shows
22. how will you be spending your birthday? No idea!
23. how will you be spending the holidays?
Hopefully with my family, maybe a few of my brothers will be home this year. And I will have a new niece or nephew by that time! Yay!
24. did you fall in love this past year? nope, not that I know of
25. how many one-night stands? none
26. what was your favorite TV program? At the beginning of the year, I watched a lot of Law & Order: SVU and CSI. Not good for someone so sensitive and especially before bed!
27. do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No, I’ve been able to be more understanding of people thanks to God working in me
28. what was the best book you read?
So many!!! Here are just a few of the books that really influenced my thoughts and actions this year:
•The Soul Tells a Story by Vinita Hampton Wright
•Seeing is Believing by Greg Boyd
•The G-Free Diet: A Gluten Free Survival Guide by Elizabeth Hasselbeck
•Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes by Therese Borchard
•The Antidepressant Solution: A Step-by Step Guide to Safely Overcome Antidepressant Withdrawal, Dependence and “Addiction” by Joseph Glenmullen
•Lincoln's Melancholy: How Depression Challenged a President and Fueled His Greatness by Joshua Wolf Shenk
•An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison
•Down Came the Rain by Brooke Shields
*Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Piccoult
•The Help by Kathryn Stockett
•Born on a Blue Day by Daniel Tammet
•Expecting Adam by Martha Beck
I recommend ALL of these! Ask and, with delight, I will tell you how they changed me!
29. what was your greatest musical discovery?
Kari Jobe, Meredith Andrews, Michael Gungor, Michael Buble, George Winston
30. what did you want and get?
•A job! Thanks God!
•Healthy babies for my brother/sis-in-law and friends! Thanks God!
•To be an auntie
•Strength, endurance and personal health and healing!
•To be (mostly) depression free! Woot!
31. what did you want and not get?
•A man to fall in love and spend my entire life with
•Clarity for my future career path
•To be married with children
•To be anxiety free (this'll never happen in this life, I guess.)
•To not be dependent on my antidepressants
32. what was your favorite film of this year?
Probably Toy Story 3! So sweet, I cried!
33. what did you do on your last birthday, and how old were you?
Twenty-flippin-siX! Crazy! I had a horrible HORRIBLE migraine. While medicated, I worked a shift at the group home, I came home to find my room decorated by my sweet roomies. Then I went to bed despite a lot of hammering and drilling (a friend was working on our house on the other side of the wall where I was desperately trying to rest!) BUT I celebrated two days later with a karaoke party which I set up. I was so blessed to have a large group of friends show up! What a memorable day!
34. how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
I’ve been told I’m good at accessorizing my jewelry with my outfits! (Luckily, I have a mom who makes amazingly cute jewelry)
35. what kept you sane?
Writing/journaling
Reading! (got me through so many days!)
Counseling was always helpful-talking to someone who is pretty much a perfect stranger, no biases… etc. I’d highly recommend it.
My beloved roommate Theresa and other friends and family members
36. which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
37. what political issue stirred you the most?
I don’t understand it…but the health care stuff really hits close to home.
38. who was the best new person you met?
my friend Nike from Nigeria I “met” on my blog. She’s been such an encouragement to me. I look forward to getting to know her more this year!
39. tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
A few things I’ve concluded (based on my 3-18-10 journal entry):
-You have no right to judge another’s experience.
-People are never as they appear on the outside.
-Pain is pain.
-You can always find joy even in the hardest times.
-You can never get this moment back.
-Faith is dead without action.
-You can choose to feel differently about any situation.
-People rarely notice you (the way you think they do) and that’s quite freeing!
-Always assume the best but be aware of the worst.
-Christ is incarnate; He is found in anything beautiful of the world, most often the day-to-day things you forget to acknowledge.
-Hope is living in the moment but knowing one day everything will be perfect.
-You may mean little to the world, but to one person, you may mean the world (and that’s a great reason to stay alive!)
-My body is not my own; it is my Creator’s that’s why I am a sacred and beautiful person.
-People come and go from our lives; I strive to learn from each one, knowing that the one conversation we have may very well be the only one.
-Each mistake is a chance to learn more about yourself and become a better person.
-Self-hate is a sure way to make yourself look ugly.
-Striving for perfection takes away this moment to be completely you.
40. quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
“you make beautiful things
you make beautiful things
out of us
all around
hope is springing up from this old ground
out of chaos life is being found in you
you make beautiful things
you make beautiful things
out of the dust
you make beautiful things
you make beautiful things
out of us” ~ Beautiful Things by Michael Gungor
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Where is my hope?
The other day I had a nice post written about my measly self and life. I thought, "Oh this is actually pretty good. I should save it just in case." But I didn't. Then the power suddenly went out. So much for that.
I am hurting for loved ones right now. Especially my beautiful cousin Becca who lost her third baby. I can't imagine what pain she must feel so I am crying out to God to comfort her like no one can. Then there's my friend Kat whose brother was murdered a week ago. I was reading some tributes to her brother Leo this morning. He was only 22 years old. I just can't believe what kind of f'ed up world we live in. And I am trying to hang on to hope. If not for me, at least for my sweet dear cousin who doesn't deserve any of this crap. Or for a family whose wonderful brother and son was violently, tragically ripped from their lives...
I was feeling pain earlier. But now it's deadness. Like it's not even me writing. I don't really know if I am sad. Because it is kind of no emotions. None of the stress I am dealing with can compare to the pain of these two wonderful women and the people closest to them. But comparing doesn't help I suppose.
I don't really want to talk about me and my drama with messed up relationships and lack of knowledge of self.
When listening to some of my favorite songs, I, like I often do, wondered: Do I even believe this? "He has been there before/He will be there again" and other songs with a similar Jesus-will-never-forsake-you theme. Sometimes I wonder if I am Christian, because when Greg Boyd (my pastor) says to imagine Jesus in your head, I can't. How am I supposed to know what he looked like? And I wonder if maybe Jews could get into heaven even they don't believe in Jesus. That makes me feel like a heretic.
I want to turn the world off and focus on hope and life. The only way I can do that is if I have Someone to hope in. For all my life, I've hoped in Christ because I was told to; I always wondered if I was doing it right. I don't want to hope because I'm told to. I want to hope because it's all I can do. I don't know if it's my own evil self or something evil putting thoughts in my head that I can't trust Jesus. Because look at all the people that kill themselves who were Christians...
Okay sorry for that tangent. It's like this: I trust God but Jesus is kind of distant. I know they are one and the same and Jesus is supposed to be "God visible" but I don't feel that. All I see is his Awesomeness in nature and his Beauty in people. I don't feel Him right now in this moment. Jesus. Sitting next to me as I cry for everyone who is hurting, yelling at Him: Where are you?????
I am hurting for loved ones right now. Especially my beautiful cousin Becca who lost her third baby. I can't imagine what pain she must feel so I am crying out to God to comfort her like no one can. Then there's my friend Kat whose brother was murdered a week ago. I was reading some tributes to her brother Leo this morning. He was only 22 years old. I just can't believe what kind of f'ed up world we live in. And I am trying to hang on to hope. If not for me, at least for my sweet dear cousin who doesn't deserve any of this crap. Or for a family whose wonderful brother and son was violently, tragically ripped from their lives...
I was feeling pain earlier. But now it's deadness. Like it's not even me writing. I don't really know if I am sad. Because it is kind of no emotions. None of the stress I am dealing with can compare to the pain of these two wonderful women and the people closest to them. But comparing doesn't help I suppose.
I don't really want to talk about me and my drama with messed up relationships and lack of knowledge of self.
When listening to some of my favorite songs, I, like I often do, wondered: Do I even believe this? "He has been there before/He will be there again" and other songs with a similar Jesus-will-never-forsake-you theme. Sometimes I wonder if I am Christian, because when Greg Boyd (my pastor) says to imagine Jesus in your head, I can't. How am I supposed to know what he looked like? And I wonder if maybe Jews could get into heaven even they don't believe in Jesus. That makes me feel like a heretic.
I want to turn the world off and focus on hope and life. The only way I can do that is if I have Someone to hope in. For all my life, I've hoped in Christ because I was told to; I always wondered if I was doing it right. I don't want to hope because I'm told to. I want to hope because it's all I can do. I don't know if it's my own evil self or something evil putting thoughts in my head that I can't trust Jesus. Because look at all the people that kill themselves who were Christians...
Okay sorry for that tangent. It's like this: I trust God but Jesus is kind of distant. I know they are one and the same and Jesus is supposed to be "God visible" but I don't feel that. All I see is his Awesomeness in nature and his Beauty in people. I don't feel Him right now in this moment. Jesus. Sitting next to me as I cry for everyone who is hurting, yelling at Him: Where are you?????
Thursday, October 21, 2010
My Life Right Now
I haven't fallen off the face of the earth, but I have been busier than I can remember being in many years.
I had been doing really well, confident, joyful, and positive amidst my stress and busyness of life. Until the last few days. I could go into detail about why I think that is...but what's the point?
I woke up this morning to a very disturbing text. The brother of a friend of mine was murdered in Minneapolis by one of his tenants. I am very sad and pained to hear this. What kind of f'ed up world do we live in, I wonder sometimes? I don't even know how to pray for Kat and her family. Please pray for the Kohorst family if you think of it.
I also seemed to be doomed to fail at my relationships with men. I have been suffering a lot in this regard. But I am trying to get my mind off of it.
In a more positive light, I am enjoying my teaching job as a part time elementary Spanish teacher. It's crazy of course, because I have to plan the curriculum myself (with some help from other Spanish teachers in the district) but I am SO blessed to finally have a community to call my own and a principal who actually supports me and believes in me, rather than the opposite (like my last teaching job). Oh not to mention students who I actually can teach and who I enjoy teaching! God thank you for this amazing job!
Grad school is a little discouraging. I am not even sure if I want to do special education anymore and with the days getting shorter and my depression setting in again, I don't know if I can handle the stress of school and work (not to mention all the other crap). So who knows...
I am off work today and tomorrow. It's so nice to have a break. My roomie and I are going shopping so that's exciting. I will try to post more...if there's ever time!
Much love to all (even if you don't read this)!
I had been doing really well, confident, joyful, and positive amidst my stress and busyness of life. Until the last few days. I could go into detail about why I think that is...but what's the point?
I woke up this morning to a very disturbing text. The brother of a friend of mine was murdered in Minneapolis by one of his tenants. I am very sad and pained to hear this. What kind of f'ed up world do we live in, I wonder sometimes? I don't even know how to pray for Kat and her family. Please pray for the Kohorst family if you think of it.
I also seemed to be doomed to fail at my relationships with men. I have been suffering a lot in this regard. But I am trying to get my mind off of it.
In a more positive light, I am enjoying my teaching job as a part time elementary Spanish teacher. It's crazy of course, because I have to plan the curriculum myself (with some help from other Spanish teachers in the district) but I am SO blessed to finally have a community to call my own and a principal who actually supports me and believes in me, rather than the opposite (like my last teaching job). Oh not to mention students who I actually can teach and who I enjoy teaching! God thank you for this amazing job!
Grad school is a little discouraging. I am not even sure if I want to do special education anymore and with the days getting shorter and my depression setting in again, I don't know if I can handle the stress of school and work (not to mention all the other crap). So who knows...
I am off work today and tomorrow. It's so nice to have a break. My roomie and I are going shopping so that's exciting. I will try to post more...if there's ever time!
Much love to all (even if you don't read this)!
Monday, September 6, 2010
New Things
My mind is busy as always. The last two weekends were pretty fun. I went to IL to see family. Got to stay with my beloved cousin, Becca and her husband Dan. It was refreshing to get away. Then, on Monday, my first day of Teacher Workshop Week, a really bad cold hit, from which I am still recovering.
My parents came this past weekend, as well as some friends from out of town. Although a little overwhelmed with thoughts and discussions with my parents about theology, my weekend was, for the most part, refreshing.
Tomorrow I start my first day of teaching at my new job. I also started my Special Ed grad program last week. Lots of thoughts are floating around about faith, God, and Christianity; getting back into teaching; people with disabilities and why I decided to go into special education; depression/mental health; my upcoming trip to OR for my brother's wedding; relationships with friends; and an important decision I must make about a particular relationship with a good friend who happens to be a guy.
I am feeling mostly at peace about all of these new things. But the dreariness outside has put me in a strange mood. I feel tranquility that is on the edge of a kind of nothingness, blah-ness. I want to be ready for my week but it's like there is a strange something blocking my path toward awareness. I would like to get out of this funk but I am not sure where to turn or what to do.
My parents came this past weekend, as well as some friends from out of town. Although a little overwhelmed with thoughts and discussions with my parents about theology, my weekend was, for the most part, refreshing.
Tomorrow I start my first day of teaching at my new job. I also started my Special Ed grad program last week. Lots of thoughts are floating around about faith, God, and Christianity; getting back into teaching; people with disabilities and why I decided to go into special education; depression/mental health; my upcoming trip to OR for my brother's wedding; relationships with friends; and an important decision I must make about a particular relationship with a good friend who happens to be a guy.
I am feeling mostly at peace about all of these new things. But the dreariness outside has put me in a strange mood. I feel tranquility that is on the edge of a kind of nothingness, blah-ness. I want to be ready for my week but it's like there is a strange something blocking my path toward awareness. I would like to get out of this funk but I am not sure where to turn or what to do.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Smile
This is me and Ru (short for "Rufus") the dog I am taking care of. He makes me smile with his wagging tail and crazy excitement for life. The family he is a part of is such a great family and I smile thinking about them too. I hope they are enjoying their vacation. Their daughter Maddie is a wonderful young woman I PCA for (I talked about her on a different post.)
I am feeling awake and rejuvenated unlike last evening. MY body is ripping apart realizing the days are getting shorter. I know it could have been due to thunderstorms going through, but seriously yesterday it was dark already at 8 pm. :( It's amazing what my neurotransmitters do when the sun goes down at the end of each day.
This morning Ru and I got a nice walk in. I am not used to big dogs but luckily the leader collar helps. Sometimes he'll suddenly lurk forward in pursuit of a squirrel; there was one close call.
I feel very proud of myself because I have been getting ready for the fall by lesson planning (yes, already!) This morning I received an email with the "Specialist's schedule" (Specialists are non-classroom teachers like Art, Music, PE, and Spanish-me). IT looks like there are 4 first grade classes and 3 classes of grades 2-5. Whew! But the nice thing is I will only have them for 30 minutes at a time. Each class will see me every 2 to 3 days. I am really starting to (allow myself to) get excited.
Probably my biggest struggle in life is allowing myself to experience joy, excitement and fun. It has a lot to do with my melancholy personality. I am more of a negative person, but of course I can be quite positive too. I am also quite hard on myself and I hate to fail. Plus, change is hard for anyone, but especially me it seems. So that's why this new job and grad school coming up are scary.
In my struggles with loneliness, worry and physical discomfort lately, I have been feeling even more drawn to my Savior and the Healer of my body. I have met Him primarily through music. One of my favorite artists is Meredith Andrews. All of her songs are amazing. I especially love "Can Anybody Hear Me?" It speaks to me because it's just how I feel. I'll share it with you:
I’m staring at these empty walls
Wondering when You’ll visit me again
When will You come?
If there is anything at all
Coming in between our love
Please show me, ‘cuz I am barely hanging on
Can anybody hear me?
The silence is deafening
Why do You feel so far away?
When I know You’re here with me
But I just need faith to see
Nothing can separate me from Your love
Believing what I can’t see
Has never come naturally to me
And I’ve got questions
But I am certain of a Love
Strong enough to hold me when I’m doubting
You’ll never let go of my hand
Can anybody hear me?
The silence is deafening
Why do You feel so far away?
When I know You’re here with me
But I just need faith to see
Nothing can separate me from Your love
I will trust in You, even in the moments
I can’t find you, and I will hold on to
Your promises of love
You’ve never failed before
I know You can hear me
When the silence is deafening
Even though You seem far away
And I know You’re here with me
But I just need faith to see
Nothing can separate me from Your love
Hope you were blessed by these words. Now off to to see my beloved niece, nephew, bro and sis-in-law! Oh how I love them.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Lonely but at Peace
A few weeks ago I had the deepest feelings of loneliness I remembered having in a very long time. I cried and cried my heart out to God. I did feel sad but it didn't feel like depression as much as just this aching emptiness. I was supposed to go to this event with a friend and she backed out of it at the last minute. It was a "Wellness Picnic" hosted by the chiropractor/wellness place I go to. And it was too last minute to ask anyone else, beside the fact that not very people in my life are interested in this sort of thing. For almost nine weeks I have battled internally if I should even be going to this place. Since I started going my anxiety and OCD tendencies (obsessive thoughts) have gotten way worse. I have been extremely ambivalent and pulled in two different directions, wondering if on the one hand I am going overboard with my health concerns (that are now obsessions) but yet wanting to take care of this body God has given me and seek solace and freedom from my many maladies. I have felt utterly ALONE in this process because everyone in my life is on one side of the fence or the other (the majority thinking this place has made me more anxious and obsessed and I should stop going).
SO the Saturday of the picnic when my friend (my one "health nut" friend who lives nearby) backed out, I was torn. My parents were in town and I knew I'd see them tomorrow but felt I "should" be with them instead of going to some thing where I didn't know anyone. I did end up going and it was okay. The talk on "Spine Fitness" was good and I picked up some tips. But I didn't meet anyone my age in my situation as I'd hoped. In fact there weren't very many people there at all. I quickly got over my extreme sadness after the event and during work at the group home that evening.
But I still struggle with this intense loneliness off and on. Mostly due to this health battle, depression/anxiety battle, and what faith/God has to say about it. Feel quite misunderstood and discouraged by both the people who seem to know me and care about me best AND by these new people who I feel have some hidden knowledge and I'm struggling whether or not to trust them. Also because I don't have a significant other with which to share these intense struggles. :(
I don't feel lonely very often because I am an introvert. Being alone is something I love. Even when I was seriously dating I had to be alone many nights a week (this drives a boyfriend mad, I realize.) I am so dragged down when I am around lots of noise, commotion, and chaos also because I am an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) (See one of my links to right if you're wondering what that is.)
A blog friend of mine said to talk about my birthday party. I wanted to put up pics but I am house sitting so I don't have them handy. I had a really crazy weekend (half of the events I'd planned ended up being cancelled due to a 3-day migraine--my body's way of telling me "too much!" I suppose). But Sunday I was feeling better and had a birthday get together at a nearby place called Chatterbox Pub (I planned the event myself). I had written to God in my journal earlier, "I am going to have caffeine and maybe a little alcohol because I want to be like my outgoing, extroverted friends." And, being that I am extremely sensitive to caffeine because I no longer have it, my one cup of tea had me wired for the evening! We had a great time. I couldn't believe about twenty of my friends showed up. Less than two years and a few months ago, I knew only two of these people. I am very blessed that God directed me to the church I am at now (Woodland Hills) and these wonderful people. We had yummy food, played games and of course the best part: karaoke! Only a very few people were actually interested so that was a bummer, but we still had a good time. After there was only me and few people left, we decided to leave, but I still felt insatiable like I wished I could keep singing the whole night. I knew it had to do with caffeine and my love for singing, but this energy and desire kind of scared me. That night I ended up awake until 4:30 a.m. the next day but I didn't even have a migraine the next day. Thank you God!
During my party I didn't have any of the obsessions about food or health and really was able to relax with my wonderful friends. Even the food I had didn't affect me negatively (like most restaurant food does). Hallelujah!
After that night, I felt a bit of a let down. Because as always I was searching for something to fill me up. Of course it wasn't wrong to go out and have fun...but I can't really get into that here. I spent a few days with my parents in WI and that was good. Now I am house/dog-sitting for some friends of mine and again feel kind of lonely but at the same time glad to have it quiet and relax some.
Lots of thoughts and some neck and hand pain (from typing) but I am so glad to be at peace now.
SO the Saturday of the picnic when my friend (my one "health nut" friend who lives nearby) backed out, I was torn. My parents were in town and I knew I'd see them tomorrow but felt I "should" be with them instead of going to some thing where I didn't know anyone. I did end up going and it was okay. The talk on "Spine Fitness" was good and I picked up some tips. But I didn't meet anyone my age in my situation as I'd hoped. In fact there weren't very many people there at all. I quickly got over my extreme sadness after the event and during work at the group home that evening.
But I still struggle with this intense loneliness off and on. Mostly due to this health battle, depression/anxiety battle, and what faith/God has to say about it. Feel quite misunderstood and discouraged by both the people who seem to know me and care about me best AND by these new people who I feel have some hidden knowledge and I'm struggling whether or not to trust them. Also because I don't have a significant other with which to share these intense struggles. :(
I don't feel lonely very often because I am an introvert. Being alone is something I love. Even when I was seriously dating I had to be alone many nights a week (this drives a boyfriend mad, I realize.) I am so dragged down when I am around lots of noise, commotion, and chaos also because I am an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) (See one of my links to right if you're wondering what that is.)
A blog friend of mine said to talk about my birthday party. I wanted to put up pics but I am house sitting so I don't have them handy. I had a really crazy weekend (half of the events I'd planned ended up being cancelled due to a 3-day migraine--my body's way of telling me "too much!" I suppose). But Sunday I was feeling better and had a birthday get together at a nearby place called Chatterbox Pub (I planned the event myself). I had written to God in my journal earlier, "I am going to have caffeine and maybe a little alcohol because I want to be like my outgoing, extroverted friends." And, being that I am extremely sensitive to caffeine because I no longer have it, my one cup of tea had me wired for the evening! We had a great time. I couldn't believe about twenty of my friends showed up. Less than two years and a few months ago, I knew only two of these people. I am very blessed that God directed me to the church I am at now (Woodland Hills) and these wonderful people. We had yummy food, played games and of course the best part: karaoke! Only a very few people were actually interested so that was a bummer, but we still had a good time. After there was only me and few people left, we decided to leave, but I still felt insatiable like I wished I could keep singing the whole night. I knew it had to do with caffeine and my love for singing, but this energy and desire kind of scared me. That night I ended up awake until 4:30 a.m. the next day but I didn't even have a migraine the next day. Thank you God!
During my party I didn't have any of the obsessions about food or health and really was able to relax with my wonderful friends. Even the food I had didn't affect me negatively (like most restaurant food does). Hallelujah!
After that night, I felt a bit of a let down. Because as always I was searching for something to fill me up. Of course it wasn't wrong to go out and have fun...but I can't really get into that here. I spent a few days with my parents in WI and that was good. Now I am house/dog-sitting for some friends of mine and again feel kind of lonely but at the same time glad to have it quiet and relax some.
Lots of thoughts and some neck and hand pain (from typing) but I am so glad to be at peace now.
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