Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Numb

Sometimes I wonder how I can "act as" or be a professional, when, at times I look in the mirror and wonder who I am. I see a pretty face, nice cute hair and smile, a beautiful creation of God. But is that really who I am? I have always been good at acting. Don't get me wrong. I am not acting happy. I am generally happy, or at least at peace.

Mostly I am in this numb state of mind. There is a sheet of glass I am looking through. Somewhat clear but mostly distorted and I just choose to look the other way. While I am hopeful--it's a sort of surreal-hopeful--about my new jobs starting up, I haven't dealt with another large part of my life, that being the current relationship I am in. I frankly don't know what to do or say, so I just let it be. Do I have to make a decision? What decision is that? All I can think of is this song lyric "Should I stay or should I go?"

I was reading in this book about perfectionism that perfectionists tend to have a lot of self-doubt, which makes decision making quite challenging. They generally don't mind putting something off until "no decision is made or the decision is made by default." In this process of "ambivalating," perfectionists are sometimes grateful when others make decisions for them. That describes me to a "T." The only problem is, no one can really make a decision about my relationship. No matter how much I talk to God, I don't hear Him clearly, except that "I will never leave you." But will he ever tell me if I am dating the right person?

As with every problem in my life, I am constantly searching for answers, whether in books, from people I love and respect, from the Bible, from Dr. Phil, from my therapist, from within myself. I literally cannot REST until I have some sort of ideas. Well, I am now so full of ideas that I have become comatose--unable to think or release. So there I sit. Can't make a decision so I just keep praying and living.

2 comments:

  1. Keep on praying! God sometimes likes to test your faith and patience ;) He will reveal to you clearly someway, somehow what he wants for your relationship.

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  2. Your self help books seem to describe you well--but is it really you or just a fine example of the way you act/react? I believe you to be wrong on one accord--you state "no one can really make a decision about my relationship." Not true. The only one that can make that decision is you. As tough and challenging as the decision may seem, ultimately it's up to you. Your other half has made his decision to stand beside you through thick and thin; to learn about you, spend time with you, enjoy your company and pray for God's guidance as what the finish line is. But he can only stand there and walk with you--he cannot make your steps. Following God's lead, He likewise will walk with you wherever you go--but even He cannot make decisions for you--He can guide and inspire and give you wisdom to discern what's best for you, but ultimately, the conscionable mind he giveth you is for you to exercise. Reread the poem I wrote, inspired by you if you've forgotten some of this. Interesting thought that I did have though--what decision are you trying to make? Maybe the decision you seek is quite simple, but clouded in the other thoughts??? The numbness part adds an intriguing twist to it--it would seem to indicate a sense of something--fear, etc. that you're unconscious mind is releasing. I dunno--i'm not a therapist or conselor, but it would seem to indicate that to me. You know my suggestions and aside from remaining to stand next to you through this, all I can do is pray for you. Thwart the evil one (it's hard--I know); trust in God; BELIEVE in God; and as some popular show once said (not sure which one) "Think happy thoughts."

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